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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Friday, November 12, 2010

it's been awhile...

i dunno, i stopped posting because i didnt have a computer at home.. and then i bought one.. and i still didnt post... and then it became something i felt i couldnt come back to.

ive gone up.
ive gone down.
im within 5 lbs of where i was when last we spoke.

[i didnt weigh myself this morning so i dont really know.. and im on my period which fucks things up]

i miss the community, but i feel like i dont belong here anymore.

thanks to liz who still nudged me even throughout my silence these months.

theres drama to be told, though im not sure any of it is relevant. ive been outing myself more. now 3 people, all boys ive kissed, [including ted, yes i kissed ted.. or really allowed him to kiss me] know.

i dont know.

tell me what you know.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

sane[ish] [105-108]

day 105 255.3
day 106 254.9
day 107 255.0
day 108 255.3
day 109 255.5

so basically i ended up where i started. which is fine, i suppose. sunday was a binge-tack-u-lar day. monday turned out to be fairly easy as she didn't eat till dinner and we went to a pizza joint where i had a salad. so, hopefully after another week or two without binge-inducing influences ill be back in the 40's.

i dunno, i go back and forth as far as eating habits go. sometimes its like, why bother? and other times it's just like... who cares about food at all? maybe i'm just in a weird head space right now. i'm missing having a boyfriend, someone to love. probably putting me in the wrong place mentally.
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things are mostly going fine with ted. we've kind of resigned ourselves to the situation, and it's working for us, for the time being. we are still flirting too much, but he knows i can't meet him, and he accepts it. even supports me when other boys call.

i still don't get it.

other boys have been calling, even sweet ones. but i don't how i feel about the situation. i find myself not wanting to really put myself out there emotionally.

i'll flirt, i'll laugh, but i can feel myself not allowing myself to really like them.

who knows, maybe i'm just in it too deep to really see the situation for what it is.

there's a new date on the horizon. he wanted to meet for drinks last night, i suggested a phone call, we talked for a few hours. it makes me sad that i'm not giddy, i should be over a new boy. oh well, we'll see. maybe he'll sweep me off my feet.

i feel like a lame dateless ana...

who is addicted to comments, and is sad when she doesn't receive any. [LAME!]

maybe im getting my period, it's about time.

good luck my lovies.

Friday, September 3, 2010

a hint

one of the portraits ted drew of me, back when we first met. it's my favorite.

i think it's fairly accurate. though my top lip is wrong, i have a sharp dip in the middle.
that, and my eyes are obviously enlarged. he has an obsession with my eyes.. so its not unreasonable that he would do that without even realizing it.
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enjoy this hint of me.

not feeling quite so crazy [104]

day 104

weigh in: 255.5

day 105

weigh in: 255.3

i didn't want to weigh myself this morning, i was convinced i had gained more weight. oddly i went down. even if it is only a tiny bit, i'll take it.
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ted is still on his trip and he did a lot of driving yesterday.

thankfully some distance allowed me to get my head on [at least a little] straighter.

i still crave his attention and all the little sweet nothings.. though "sweet nothing" feels like an inappropriate term for what we do.

my hard work flirting has paid off.

i feel less despair.. less like my world will implode because ted is married and can never be with me.

i don't think a date is going to happen before ted comes home, but the promise of a date seems to be enough.

i guess we'll see what happens when he gets home... and hes so.. reachable....

oie... bad robin.

new boys! new boys, i say!

hopefully i wont need to fuck my friend. that's just problems waiting to happen.

wish me luck with ted, and luck this weekend in not binging.

love you darlings.
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liz: thank you, lovie.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

zero progress [103]

day 103

weigh in: 254.9

day 104

weigh in: 255.5

nothing really eventful to share. i gained weight because i ate too late. i hope i do better tomorrow. 250 really isn't an option unless i just not eat at all.. deep sigh.
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more issues with ted.

nothing productive to be said.

i'm flirting as hard as i can with a number of men. even forming a few crushes.. but they don't compare.

three have actively asked me out, though none have made any solid plans with me. if i can't at least get a date before he comes home, i think i'm going to have to invite my friend over to distract me.

i am concerned about what might happen, he makes me feel very weak.

at least i dreamt about warren last night. we were chatting online, which is weird because i don't have his IM information. things were as of old.. but i know this will never happen.. i should really delete him from my phone, but i can't seem to make myself do it.

eh, warren is the least of my problems.

must get new date. i think even if i get a kiss it will help... provided it's not terrible.

who knows. i surely don't.

wish me luck, my lovelies.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

i told ted.... [102]

day 102

weigh in: 255.3

i ate like a cow, but i had salads.. so it couldn't be too terrible.

day 103

weigh in: 254.9

i had some tea [with maybe 1/4 a cup non fat milk] and a banana for breakfast, and i brought a 270 cal salad for lunch. cross your fingers for me. i will be in the 40's before my friend gets here this weekend... god i need it so bad. hopefully if im back down under 250 it wont be too hard on me to recover when she wants to go to pizza joints and mcdonalds at 4 in the morning... oie. i love her to death.. but it's SO bad for me...

saying i'll binge one day and be good the other is a complete lie.. i should just say i'll be as good as i can whenever i can.. so when we go to the pizza joint, i order salad instead of pizza...or if i'm feeling exceptionally helpless, just have an individual sized pizza instead. reduce as much as possible, and have small meals. [she likes to eat one or two exceptionally big ones] be conscious of it.. don't give into the binge.

i'm feeling so helpless in other aspects of my life.. i fear that my eating will soon join them.. but i just need to remind my self, that i will receive nothing good from eating that extra slice of pizza.. the taste is not fucking worth hating myself every second of every day.

yay for being the crazy lady...
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so.. i gave ted the url to my blog..

really unwise move.. but i did it anyway.

he makes me crazy.. passionate... i love it... and i hate that i love it.

grahh.. i told him i needed to get under someone else.. and he totally supports me.. which i don't understand. the mere idea of him touching someone else makes me physically ill.

the weird thing is i love making him jealous. it excites me, knowing how passionately, violently [he'd never hurt me, don't stress!] jealous he gets at the mere thought of me with another guy... even if it's not sexual.

since he knows the url to my blog now i can quote him without fear of it being an easy way to find this safe place... oddly to me, it still feels safe.

after he read the post i did about our first meeting.. i thought he would reject me.. instead, he told me it was honest and accurate..

he accepts me unconditionally.. and i really don't know how to understand that.

i think my favorite line, was in a poem he wrote for me...

"milk & honey skin...beautiful pleading eyes...full kissable lips...saying...no."

kind of a metaphor for our relationship.. however, i'm not so much saying no anymore..

i NEED to get under someone new before he comes home this weekend.. i need to be blissed out so i don't come to him. i want to.. but i know it's so wrong.

i might as well go kill puppies.

if he touched me.. if we were together.. would i be liberated.. or fall into deep despair?

i don't like feeling this way.

i want to not care.

this is why i was looking for semi shallow relationships because i don't want to care if a guy goes to a strip club, i don't want to care if [excuse me, i should say WHEN not if] he looks at another girl.

being in a relationship makes you crazy because you care when they aren't loving you enough.

i really really want to not care...

okay... let's find someone to fuck my brains out till i don't care anymore...

seriously, at this point.. damn near anyone will do, so long as they can make me not want him.... just for a little while...... please?

sorry if my crazy is showing.. i know i do it a lot.. i just feel very conflicted.

he knows all this.. and still, he loves me.

god, why?
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liz: the problem is i can't hate him. it'd be so much simpler if i could.

im kind of thinking i need to use that friend of mine to get ted out of my head. if i cant find a suitable date before this weekend, i very well may ask him over.
---
maria conforti: thank you. i needed to hear that.

though, perhaps cheating isn't the right word. she married him literally to raise his children, though she was a gf at the time. things were getting out of hand for him, and she offered to help if he married her and supported her. TRUE, he could be lying about that.. as there's no way to know without actually asking her... but i want to believe him so badly it hurts.

-must fuck someone elseeeee-

[sorry] thank you again, darling. i really appreciate it, even if i sound like an obnoxious juvenile jerk who refuses to hear the truth.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

im baaaack!!!! [94-101]

day 94 249.3
day 95 250.0
day 96 249.8
day 97 RENO
day 98 RENO
day 99 RENO
day 100 RENO
day 101 255.9
day 102 255.3

i was bad.
i binged.

not as bad as i could have.. but i ate more than i should have. i never finished my meal except for when i ordered scramble eggs from room service.. but i still gained.. not overly surprised to be honest... and my best friend is coming to town this weekend.. she is the queen of binge. that will be interesting. she's in town for two nights, i'll allot one to binge the other to eating appropriately. i really want to be under 250 before she gets here. time for fruits, veggies, and men.. tehe
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SO much has happened.

most of it having to do with ted.

i'm afraid to tell you about him, because you will tell me what i don't want to hear... you will think less of me... less of this already worthless person..

mid week last week, i ask ted..

"are you really 55?" all hell then broke loose.

he confesses everything. EVERYTHING.

no, hes not 55, hes 61. he's also in a nearly 40 year old marriage where they both knowingly cheat... he has three adopted children, which he married his wife to help him raise....and he can never offer me anything besides a hotel room and endless phone calls, texts, and emails...

i stopped talking to him for a few days after that.. then my obsession prevailed. we're talking now.. but i feel so weird about it.

i told him i wouldn't even conceive of going down that path with him without proof that ither his wife is ok with me, or proof that she too has boyfriends.

he told me that's impossible, that her only requests were that he not embarrass her or rub it in her face, and meeting a 24 year old, would do both those things...

i want him so badly. i am not AT ALL physically attracted to him.. but i am so passionately into him... that it makes it difficult.

i WILL NOT be a home wrecker.. if he's lied this long, he could easily be lying about everything.. maybe she loves him. maybe he fucks her nightly while thinking of me.. maybe their children are actually theirs....

god [if you subscribe to him] only knows..

i feel so conflicted. every impulse i have in my body says jump him.. but its so deranged i cant even fathom it.

part of me realizes its best that he's married and 61... if he were single and in his 40's....id be naked in bed with him.. and never want to leave.... honestly, if he were younger and single...and asked me to marry him.. i think id say yes... that's how deep i am in.

mostly this knowledge makes me want to throw myself at other boys.. and wish warren would respond to me... though that's a total lost cause.. i know it even though i don't want to admit to it.

the day i found out about ted, i had that friend of mine over i had the horrific sex with on the boat. we messed around on my bed. it was nice, familiar..he wants to be fuck buddies.. but i can just see the light in his eyes go out when he puts me into that category... its like if we're sexual together we cant be friends anymore.. i hate that. i much prefer him as friend, even if he is eager to please.

all this stuff with ted makes me feel kind of like.. someone.. anyone else... there's a guy that wants to meet me in the city tonight.. but i think its a bad idea. we are not at all suited for each other. i also think most of his interest in me is that he isn't having his needs met and wants.. like me, "someone, anyone". i don't want to be an "anyone" to anyone... that depresses me endlessly.

whilst writing this entry i've been cybing an old friend of mine.. deranged i know.
[-edit- oie he logged off right after the first thrust... wtf? rofl]

sigh.. must not bone ted... must bone anyone but ted...
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liz: some of it was good.. oddly my best meal was a room service patty melt.. that even includes two dinners we had at fancy joints where our bill was over 100 dollars. yay for 10 dollar meals rocking the socks of snooty joints. tehe.

peridot
: i actually have no idea who the chick is, sorry lovie.

Monday, August 23, 2010

off for a week [90-93]

day 90 252.9
day 91 250.0
day 92 249.8
day 93 249.6
day 94 249.3

i finally broke down and bought a new scale.. it says i'm about a pound heavier than my current scale, and it only weighs in multiples of .2 pounds. i decided i'd rather have the scale that reliably lies to me.. than the one that only does so in .2 pound increments...

i did feel like a crazy person getting on one scale then the other.. then the first again.. repeatedly for about 5 minutes at a time... thankfully i live alone and no one can see this behavior.

so, the real reason i'm here today is to tell you all that i'm leaving for a week.

i'm technically off today, but i came in to write to you all and inform you of the next week.. since i forgot to and i feel like a bitch for just ditching out of the blue. sorry! so as of last friday, i'm off until a week from tomorrow. my mom is taking me to reno for some of that.. so it should be interesting.

i've decided that ana and i are going to have an open relationship for the days in reno. i'm going to eat anything i want, as much as i want... BUT i am instigating the rule i had in so cal. i MUST be conscious of how much i'm eating, and i MUST stop before im full. basically just not binge. yes to binge food, no to binge behavior. i WILL behave, or i'm revoking binge food privileges.
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okay so social life update.

the friend i had sex with canceled at the last minute to go hunting instead.. double ick.

giggly conversation guy asked me out for yesterday, but never gave me details.. yesterday came and went without further details.. yet to hear from him. not overly concerned ither way, i wasn't overly attracted to him.. i just like nerdy guys.. so it tends to get me those varieties.

the full moon guy has mellowed out some about the sex and is getting back to standard flirting, may see him if he behaves himself.

got quasi asked out by another guy for tomorrow, we'll see if that happens. he seems like a more friend variety as well, but we'll see. turns out we went to high school together.. and never knew.. lol.

more flirtations with other boys... no one worthy of a name just yet.. i think i'm not going to name anyone unless i am OBSESSED or there is a successful date first.

ted is gone on his trip, though he hasn't really left me alone which is nice. i'm so slutty for his attention, its ridiculous. we had phone sex on thursday night, it wasn't standard phone sex though. it was different.. loving almost? not even so much about sex as opposed to the way he'd like to touch me, love me. i came for him on the phone, though i don't think he did. maybe that's why i liked it. it wasn't about orgasm, it was about intimacy. he and i have a very odd relationship.

i ended up texting warren on sat, he actually responded... though i think i made things worse. i REALLY want to see him again. i really liked him. dunno, i guess we'll find out in a month or so. cross your fingers for me? i haven't felt like this in awhile, i would say goodbye to all the boys without a second thought if he asked me to.
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that's really all for now folks. ill give you more updates when i'm back... i may sneak over here randomly if something big happens and post. i may even post from my phone if i get real desperate, but that means lots spelling errors and no photos. they will need to be cleaned up later. who knows?

i love you all my darlings.
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liz: glad i can make you giggle uncontrollably. it is my pleasure :)

Thursday, August 19, 2010

fucking burrito with lavender rice [89]

day 89 252.0
day 90 252.9

i had a burrito for dinner last night, it's probably what did me in, though it wasn't coated in the shit that make burritos bad for you.

i haven't eaten breakfast today because i felt really heavy in my stomach this morning. i just wasn't interested in food. i'm going out to lunch again with my mom today, but we're probably going to that breakfast joint again where i can just have scrambled eggs and fruit.

it occurred to me today, im in practically the same place i was a month ago. i need to step up my game. i need to be in the 40's by now.

still no developments on a scale.
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boys.. hmm

giggly conversation boy didn't get back to me till i was going to bed, so he's reserved for today.

talked to another guy who lives too far away, and is really not the kind of guy i find attractive, but his personality is so awesome i'm attracted anyway.

the full moon guy finally got back to me last night. i think he needs to be put on hold till he has his own place.

every comment he made was about sex or kissing, he says he hasn't been able to masturbate in a month cause the friend he's staying with's place is tiny and it's making him loose his marbles.

speaking as someone who has worked at girl scout camp... and has had no privacy to masturbate for damn near the entirety of the summer.. i understand how it can make you crazy, i don't want to write him off just yet. i'm going to wait and see if he is jerky after he finally gets to cum a few times.

there's another guy or two in there too.. but they're not worth mentioning yet.

ted is back to lovie dovie. we seem to fight every few days. i think it has a lot to do with my hesitance and both of our jealousies over each other's lovers.

he's back to loving me again.

he called me last night to talk to me while i was dozing off. it was lovely.
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liz: i think it's funny that you think i'm hot, and she's only alright. shes TINY! ...she is lacking in the boob department, though, i suppose. are you a chubby chaser liz? :P

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

facebook cock un-block [88]

day 88 ---
day 89 252.0

the scale has got to be lying, i had fast food last night... admittedly i didn't eat much of it as i got full and ended up just spit chewing at least half of it... but still. after eating nothing to eating solids then fast food... and only gaining like half a pound? that's impossible. i'll get a new scale one of these days... i just feel like i can't trust them since they're so inaccurate.. who's to say the next one wont lie? how will i ever REALLY know?

does this thought process make me crazy?

probably...
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so... i wake up this morning to log into my facebook... and see that friend of mine's facebook status say he's single now... cause that's not foreboding. lol.

i bet you anything he'll make a move at some point if we're not in a car all night.

honestly.. i'm not sure if i'll go along with it. i've thought about it long and hard and i can't decide what i'll do.... doesn't mean i'm not going to wear my sexy red bra. tehe.

i dunno, its a bad idea, we have different sexual needs, we're both submissive, plus i can get like 8 different guys and a girl to kiss me if i want to make out. it seems unwise to venture down that path.. but i crave having his sexual desires on me. i had a massive crush on him in high school.. and i guess i never really got over wanting his attention. he once told me i was a classic beauty..years later it has stuck with me.

it's weird.. i can't take a compliment... but they stick in my head like the needy slut i am.

whatever.

ted is being kind of a punk. we went from bliss and dirtiness to last night where he pushed me away saying i would never want him, could never touch him or be with him and saying he wants to be friends instead.

i kept telling him over and over, we weren't friends... cause we're not.

i care about him deeply but is not even remotely platonic.

he said this morning that the reason he was that way last night was because he realized that we had an online relationship and not an in real life which made him sad.

why do men refuse to hear me when i speak?

oie.

i talked to that guy who wanted to ask me out last weekend but there have been lots of awkward silences. we had a really successful phone call filled with giggles. maybe we will meet up.

i get the impression he's not really aware of how fat i am even though my profile says "full figured" i guess that could be deemed as curvaceous as opposed to the fat ass i am.. but i don't know.

i sent him a link to deviantart account that is filled with pictures of me.. though i'm fatter in most of those pictures than i am now.. but.. it'll give him a head's up.

who knows?
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i bought a huge fuck off mirror yesterday.

i rearranged my entire room and put it on top of my desk as a vanity. its enormous like 3x4 feet.. it seems so much bigger without the cardboard on it... but i think it will do me good. give me something to really look at in the morning. motivation.. self assurance..

i really like how my room is turning out. it feels more and more like ME with every change i make.

i was looking at the room yesterday after i had moved things around.. and realized that it was the same basic set up as it was in my apartment before the ex moved in... interesting that i did that without thinking.

it's the starting of a new era, what can i say?
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page: aww you're sweet to say i'm interesting.. i'm soooo not.... lol but i'm glad to show a little light in someone else's life.
---
liz: lol, you totally just want to make out with me. get over it, and do it already. :P i sent you a message on facebook, you can check her out from there though her profile picture is weird and i don't know how much you can see without being her "friend" i'll email you a picture if it comes down to that.
---
peridot: lol i think he's actually already blown his shot. i texted him back asking who he was and he has yet to respond. i'll probably text him again tonight and see if anything comes of it. if not.. forget it.

fucker.

i SO have better options than a guy who plays sweet then is totally unreliable.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

ted is getting under my defenses [87]

day 87 251.3
day 88 ---

i forgot to weigh myself before i ate this morning.. so i don't know. i figured i gained some because i actually ate yesterday. i can finally eat again. both a blessing and a curse. i had two peaches for breakfast, planning to have rice or chicken soup for lunch.
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nothing overly eventful has occurred since yesterday.

ted and i spent a lot of time on the phone last night.. turning me on. oie.

can i do this?

he's leaving for two weeks on friday. i guess that will test all of this.

i got a random text from a number no longer in my phone last night. i'm thinking it was the guy i had that big crush on but he had just moved here and never really got back to me. not sure how i feel about it.. i kinda think hes a punk for leaving me out in the rain.

one note about him though, i told him i got a fortune cookie that said something akin to the next full moon will bring an enchanting evening. he told me to mark the day, that he would take me out, and enchant me. tehe.

that was sweet. perhaps he deserves a VERY wary second chance. we'll see... he was pretty damn cute. lol.

i'm meeting up with the friend i had the TERRIBLE revenge sex with this weekend. yeah, remember the facebook cock block? yeah well... apparently things aren't going too well... maybe ill get some kisses...

i don't know. part of me likes kissing him because it's simple and we don't have to think about it the next day... but part of me realizes that kissing him only makes it so it's longer before i get to see him again.

i should really save my sexual conquests for boys i don't care if i see again.

i realize as i type that... that that's kind of a deranged thing to say.. but oddly true.

love you all, my darlings.
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it occurs to me, that my blog has more become about boys than ana...
does that make me terrible?
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liz: actually i mentioned it by saying something akin to "oh god, you must think i'm a terrible kisser after the kiss we had, i swear i'm better than that" she denied it and said she was awful, that she doesn't know what shes doing and just kind of goes for it. i offered to give her some tips sometime. more girl on girl action? suppose so.

Monday, August 16, 2010

i kissed a girl...and she needs some pointers [84-86]

day 84 253.5
day 85 253.7
day 86 253.7
day 87 251.3

sorry for not really giving you food details anymore, i'll give you what little i remember. saturday i had some sushi at home, then some sushi take out for dinner with vegetable tempura....the take out made me sick so i had about 60 cals of orange/mango juice for the entirety of sunday. today i've had some grapes and half a sugar free pudding cup, couldn't finish it because it hurt.
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okay, so friday night i went out with my friend. we met up for coffee and ended up going to a bar. it was pretty vacant but we were 2 of 3 women there not including the bartender. so, we got 3 free rounds.

how come the last two times i've gone to a bar with a woman, the men there have assumed we're lesbians?

i get that i'm friendly...and it probably doesn't help that friday was my first girl kiss... lol but they asked us if we were lesbians before that happened.

made about 8 guys very happy... lol

we texted ted all throughout our drunken shenanigans.

my friend likes that ted is dirty, and thinks i should go for it with him, if he can pleasure me appropriately.

part of me thinks his experience would be highly helpful, especially since he's in the community.. by community i mean Ds... which i think would be nice to be with someone experienced in that... as clearly the ex was not... it made me giggle he couldn't tie knots...what kind of self respecting Dom can't tie up his sub? lol

i don't know, more and more of me wants to see what leads down that path. can i get over his age?

i think warren and i are pretty much done. i've been sending him flirty pictures, and at first he responded... but i haven't heard from him since like thursday. i texted him on sat to tell him i didn't like the way i was behaving around him, that he should take his time and text me when he feels like it. that i would stop texting him. i don't expect to hear from him again... which really fucking sucks.

saturday, i visited my parents, we went to see scott pilgrim.. which was ridiculously cute. oh, me and dorks... how i love thee.... i had some take out for dinner.. as previously mentioned... and regretted it all of sunday..and still now.

i spent all day sunday in bed wishing for death lol. in and out of consciousness only long enough to watch about 15 min segments of buffy or respond to ted's texts.

he is such an intense man... passion doesn't cover it.

i wonder if he knows what he does to me.
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ana always there: thanks for your admiration.. though i doubt i deserve it. i totally know how you feel about the lesbianism... though part of me realizes that it's just another can of worms. ultimately relationships between people will be complicated because there will be two [or more] people with different needs that need to be met... question is how well one can balance those needs.
---
liz: thank you darling, i know you are always here for me. i appreciate it more than you know. i had a little bit too much fun :P as you know by now... lol.

Friday, August 13, 2010

[81-83]

day 81 252.0
day 82 252.9
day 83 252.6
day 84 253.5

i ate like a cow yesterday, seriously could not stop eating to save my life. i dunno why. i bought some sandwiches from the store after work [this doesn't include my breakfast or lunch] and i ate all 3 plus a large container of broccoli salad... the fuck? how did i only gain .9 lbs?? i figured from sheer volume i would have gained 3 lbs.

i'm kind of in a place where i want to go back to a 1200 cal plan.

i want to loose more, NOW.. but part of me is thinking going so low isn't helping me.

i really want to be at least 10 lbs lighter before i see warren again. i want him to be able to see a difference. i want him to tell me im skinny, that i'm beautiful... though he thinks i'm beautiful now. silly man..... lol it's semi adorable coming out of him though.

i'm going out with a [female] friend tonight, i don't know what i'll have to consume to appear normal. my parents saturday. sunday i'm by myself for now, though a different guy wants to take me on a date. i haven't decided if i'm into him. hes a nice guy.. but when we talk on the phone it's filled with awkward silences. i think we're going to have to screen more, which i know he wont like.

whatever, who cares? it's all about warren anyhow. lol... sort of.

i told ted i loved him yesterday.

i'm so deranged.

he makes me feel so intensely.

if he wasn't fucking half the women he comes in contact with, and was 10 years younger... id be completely gone on him.

helpless.

i don't know if that fact is good or bad.
i'm repulsed by him physically, but i feel so deeply mentally connected to him.

am i really so shallow as to reject a body that holds a soul that resonates with mine?
apparently, yes.

yay for confusion and odd feelings....
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liz: thank you my darling, i know you mean well, but it wouldn't have worked in that situation, my phone was on my nightstand, he would have known if i had ran off with it.

it's alright, i'm mostly over it now. i'd even consider going on another date with him if he asked... though mostly i'd be tempted to say something akin to, "yeah, sorry *****, i don't really feel like being your booty call, but thanks for thinking of me." complete with plastic smile.
---
peridot: tehe, i heart you peri. you always make me giggle.
---
ana always there: aww, you are too sweet! i'm totally the same way, i refuse to comment on someone's life until i know them. it just seems presumptuous, you know?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

royally confused [80]

day 80

weigh in: 250.0

cheese&bread 450
2 white peaches 180?

day 81

weigh in: 252.0

i'm convinced my scale is lying.

i'm going to attempt to buy a new one today.

my mom gave me a box of white peaches [i ADORE white peaches, i could eat them till i became sick... literally] on the side of the box it said "im ripe" ....oh my

some delicious peaches that are ripe for the tasting? sooo dirty.

makes me think of a song i love.. mostly for this one line

you're the cutest little thing i ever did see
i really love your peaches, want to shake your tree
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
well the guy i went on the date with sunday night texted me. i gave him some really flat conversation. he didn't ask me out, not that i expected him to.

i still really don't know how i feel about the situation. based on the fact that he initiated conversation suggests he wants to see me again, but i'm not sure i want that.

up until his dick came out, i would have said i did want to see him again...now i don't know.

it was defiantly a night of miscommunications.

i figure i've got the rest of the week to decide if i want to go out with him again. hopefully i'll have a decision by then.
---
more little texts with warren.

i wish i could do more for him, he's a really great guy. i understand this is really a time for himself, a time where he needs to do things for himself.

a concept of which i'm almost jealous. i wish i could feel so independent. even though i live alone, i still feel like im leaning on a number of different people.

one step at a time i suppose.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TO EVERYONE: i'm not really reading people's blogs right now since i'm afraid of the comp crashing at work without me being able to clear the history, so i'm on here for as long as it takes to post, then i clear things out.

if you are having a rough time, i want to be here for you. if you need me, drop me a comment and we'll exchange email info or phone numbers.

i don't care if you've never commented on my blog, if you started reading me today, or if you're my bestest friend. i'm here for you.
---
liz: i know. i know. im really easily coerced into situations i'm not happy about. it's a rare thing when i can say no. [though i am better than i used to be] which a big reason why i'm impressed with warren. [aside from the fact he's awesome in general] i told him no, and that's where it ended... though 90% of the reason i said no, was because i was convinced he couldn't have sex with me that quickly without it becoming a rebound.... the other 10% being insecurities about my sexual prowess... had those two things not been a factor... yeaahhh.. that woulda been worth loosing sleep for. tehe.

i appreciate the offer to call, but this was 4 in the morning my time..not to mention me jumping on my phone randomly then receiving a call... would be less than subtle. lol. it's alright.. i could have said no, he wouldn't have forced me... i just...wasn't happy about it.

Monday, August 9, 2010

another date with another boy [76-79]

day 76 251.5
day 77 252.5
day 78 251.5
day 79 253.5
day 80 250.0

i don't so much mind telling you what i ate.. though i don't really remember. i binged on sat which included a large slice of cake, so i could be good sun and loose... i did.

argggg.. i'm getting so bad about this. i really am a bad ana. men really fuck up my ability to be here and focus on eating correctly.

i also feel like no one notices when i don't post... so i don't feel too bad.

also, i started my period, i forced down 140 cals this morning, i feel like puking. well.. one great side effect of bleeding and feeling like ass for a week, is it makes it real easy to starve.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THIS STORY IS EXPLICIT, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.


i had another date, [not with the polyamorous guy, whom i've decided to name warren] but with someone new.

i'm feeling really weird about the whole thing.

turns out he knows people i went to college with, also he went to college with me, but i didn't know him. he even dated a girl, a friend of mine fucked directly after their break up... lol....

anyhow, lil miss flirt, flirted much too much with this boy. it got to the point of almost phone sex right before we met up.

we went to a movie, then he comes back to my place [i REALLY need to not invite guys back to my place unless i click with them as intensely as i did with warren]

anyhow, we talk for a few hours, then we move to the bedroom. we lay next to each other, we snuggle, then he kisses me.

great kisses.

possibly the best kisser i've ever been with.

i love the way he's moving me around the bed, flipping me around, pulling my hair, kissing me, pinning me down. it was delicious.

then he goes for his pants.

i am not ok with this.

i probably over-react.

we talk, almost fight. i did lead him on, but i told him i was on my period and sex was out. he claims that he just needed some room because his hard on was making him uncomfortable in the restraints of his jeans.

i GUESS [but is it really?] that's acceptable. [sort of]

i tell him i'm not really ready to go down that path. [he has sent me pix of his dick.. so i'm totally sending him mixed signals and i feel bad about that]

we continue to make out.

he asks me to rub it through his pants, i do.
he asks to take off his pants and rub it through his boxers, i do.

[i'm comfortable at this point,
which makes no sense i know,
and further leads him down the wrong path]

now comes the stuff i'm not happy about.

he wants me to touch it without underwear.
i kind of back off, he then asks to just show it to me.

i agree.

eventually i'm touching him skin against skin.

i really think that this is not a malicious act.
that he thinks i want to do these things, i'm just afraid i wont be good at them.

that is not the case.
---
it's like the phone sex a week ago.
[with another completely different guy]
the first time it was fun because it was flirty
and it didn't really matter what came of it.
the second time was all about getting him off..
so it wasn't fun anymore.
---
i jerk him off for awhile, im bored at this point but i feel obligated to continue.

he then asks me to kiss it.

[i mentioned thinking his dick looked like it needed a kiss when i saw the pictures]
[i was totally screwing myself at this point, wasn't i? lol]

eventually, after much prodding, and promising to stop asking if i give it a kiss, i do.

more jerking.

eventually, i finish him off in my mouth, after more prodding.
---
i genuinely think, he thought i needed to be reassured and asked and "made comfortable"

i don't think he meant to coerce me.

i am much too flirty with boys. i tell them i want sex, that i need sex.

why am i surprised when they want to give it to me?

in any event i feel weird about the situation.

as soon as he left, i showered, brushed my teeth, and changed my sheets.
with warren, i laid in my sheets all day thinking about him laying with me.

i know i prefer warren.
but i feel like i royally screwed over this guy's chances with me.

he's a nice guy, and if someone had told me, the things i had told him.. i probably would have assumed they just needed reassurance.

i don't know if i'm going to see him again.

i don't know if i'm going to hear from him again.

he told me before the date that he was starting a new job today so he wouldn't be able to spend the night, regardless of what happened. as he left he re-mentioned that, and that he may not be available for a few days. sort of feels like a brush off to me.

perhaps i'm cynic... which i am... but i doubt i am with this.

perhaps all my obsessing is in vain.

who knows?
---
what it comes down to, for me, is:

i need to not flirt so hard with guys that i haven't started a sexual relationships with.

if i am that flirty with a guy, he's going to assume i want sex..
which is fair since that's what i say i want... lol
[which i do, i'm just not really ready for it]

no one comes back to my apartment unless i want him to get in my pants....
because honestly we can make out in public.
we don't need to be at my apartment unless his dick is coming out.
---
part of me thinks getting some sexual contact out of the way is important.
i've been afraid of dick, maybe this night will help me in the future.
---
i miss warren. a lot.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
liz: i hope i see warren again soon too, i'm a little unsure of the situation. he hasn't been real available because he has to pack up his life, move, and start over in under a month. at first i thought he was blowing me off, but i got a text from him explaining the situation, that he did like me, and he wanted to see me again. i can be patient if i know it's coming. i really really like him.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

missing dinner due to a hot guy is winning twice [75]

day 75

weigh in: 252.2

broccoli salad 100?
sushi 440
soy sauce 20?
soy beans 220

day 76

weigh in: 251.5

broccoli salad 250?

only had half my lunch at work yesterday since he called during my lunch hour, finished the second half at home and didn't eat anything else for the rest of the day... yay :)
-------------------------------------------------------
mmm... date night...

god, he's so hot...

so let me start with this by saying:

last night was both the ex's birthday, and had we stayed together, it would have also been our 3 year anniversary.

fucked up? yes.

totally rewarding and cathartic? hells yes.

so, the polyamorous guy and i are getting close, i should probably give him a name... i'll come up with something.

anyhow, he texts me yesterday to say hi and i ask him how he slept, he informs me his primary broke up with him via e-mail [the hell??? even i had the decency to do it in person and i was scared for my fucking life!!] so, he's feeling shitty.

i already feel insanely close to him, like if i didn't want him to do me 8 different ways, i'd have a brand new best friend. so, i offer him compassion. i support him, i have him call me during my lunch break to talk and he asks me out.

part of me feels like this is a bad idea, because theoretically he's rebounding, and anything now, could fuck up a relationship later, be it romantic or friendship.

i end up agreeing to meet with him, he cancels then re-asks me out for coffee.

we go to this coffee shop around the corner from me next to this AMAZING video store that has everything i could ever lust for. we sit and talk for an hour or so till the coffee shop closes and kicks us out.

so we move to the parking lot, leaning against the back of his car, still talking. endlessly talking, in a really rewarding way that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but is true. as we stand there, he inches closer to me, just sort of pressing the side of his body to mine. and it's not in a perverse way, its just sort of this weird closeness that i find incredibly comforting.

i don't ordinarily invite guys back to my place after knowing them 24 hours, but after another two hours or so of talking, the sun had set and he was cold and there's nothing to do in my city...like our next stop would have been a 24 hour drug store lol.

he seems non threatening, he doesn't press the idea at all, and oddly, almost immediately i trust him.

we go back to my place, we pick out a dvd and watch the first episode of the first season of torchwood.

throughout the episode, he starts in with pressing against me again, small little touches, that are non aggressive, that are soft simple and wonderful. soon, im snuggled into his neck and we just sort of lay together.

eventually his legs start to block the tv, and i don't care, i'm not paying attention at this point. we sort of smile and giggle with each other and eventually, after much building, he kisses me.

rough, fast, aggressive.

it's wonderful.

there are red marks all over my neck.

i even broke a nail.

all throughout this, he tells me i'm beautiful. it just makes me giggle.

we didn't have sex.. we didn't even take off our bottoms.. but it was so bizarrely intimate, that i don't think sex would have altered the effect any, aside from perhaps being more blissed out now.

as we were laying next to each other afterward, soft touches on my skin, he commented about my bone structure and how my ribs and hips stick out when i lay down. that when i loose the weight i want to, ill have an insanely hot hour glass figure. [now keep in mind, i talked him about my weight loss, and that im not done yet, so i was zero percent offended...more so thrilled. to me, this was a huge compliment.]

i'm still trembling, though i wonder if it's because i skipped dinner or the fact that i roughly made out with an insanely hot guy for 2 hours.

ither way? i'm winning.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
lilah lee: the situation with ted, is an odd one. he appreciates the smallest things from me, in ways that no guy ever has.

a picture of just my eyes is enough to send him into a creative and sexual frenzy lol.

i wish i was more attracted to him, a relationship with him would be...intense.
---
liz: not creepy at all! as you can tell. i do worry that my behavior last night might have fucked up a really cool friendship though.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

date toooooooooooooooooooonight.

maybe?

more info tomorrow.

polyamory and me? [74]

day 74

weigh in: 254.0

broccoli & cheese 300
sushi 440
soy sauce 10?
soy beans 220ish

day 75

weigh in: 252.2

had the smallest container of this weird broccoli salad they had at the grocery store for breakfast. it was sooooo good. just some raw veggies plus raisins and some sort of sweet "slaw" sauce but the sauce was so lightly added that i don't really feel guilty about it. maybe 200 cals for the whole thing? prolly less.

lunch is probably soy beans.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
still no word from the huge crush that just moved here. i'm mostly over it. if he wants to play games, go right ahead. i cared at first, i don't anymore.

besides, i have a new boy to play with. tehe

i dunno if anything will come of this new crush, he's polyamorous. [dates and has relationships with multiple people at the same time, some people are even married or live all together] i'm open to the concept of polyamory but.. i feel like it may overly complicate my life this early on into the dating scene.

i'm also thinking that perhaps that might be exactly what i need. in a labeled way it gives me the things i was actually sort of planning to do anyway. i wanted to date multiple guys and if they all know about it...and are comfortable with it... isn't that better than waiting to be bored with one to move onto the next?

i'm not sure a poly lifestyle is suited for me long term...but it's an interesting concept while i get my "yayas" out.

who knows, maybe i'll fall madly in love with two men and that'll be it for me, poly for life.

i also think having more than one guy have to deal with my attention whore-y-ness would cut down on people thinking im crazy because of the level of attention i desire. lol.

so i talked to him on the phone last night..all fucking night. [4 hours and 43 min according to my call log] we seem to be really compatible on a lot of levels. i just don't know if he can give me the kind of attention i'd want from a guy i'm dating when he has three other women, one of which he lives with.

if nothing else, i totally just made a really cool friend.... who is RIDICULOUSLY HOT.

my god that boy is hot. he has long hair and dresses alt... which i looooveeeeeee. some of his profile pictures even have him in a three piece dark suit with tie...dear christ i died when i saw that. what is it about a tie that makes u want to pull a guy down into a kiss? mmm.. delicious...

anyhow... those are the new developments boy wise.

i have a few messages waiting for me on the dating site once i finish up here.

wish me a good kiss? i don't even need sex... i just want to be made dizzy by kisses.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
liz: eh, i wasn't so much into the phone sex... it just got to a point where it's like...well....?

he sent me a text yesterday morning wishing me a good day, haven't heard anything else.

yeah, my weight seems to be dropping so hopefully by sat i can be 249.9. i'll fast friday except during lunch [cause i'll be at work] if necessary.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

binge and loss [69-73]

i'm sorry i didn't post yesterday like i ordinarily would, life kind of got in the way...nothing interesting happened so it's not too much of a loss.

i binged over the weekend.

had fast food twice, couldn't finish my meal ither time, but still:

fast food is fast food.

other than that, i was mostly fine. slips here and there.

again, i'm not going to go into what i ate, because i'm ashamed... however, though i did go up over the weekend, i am back down. plus im back on track so the binge should help me drop more.

my wish is by saturday to be 249.9 wish me luck.

day 69
254.6
day 70 252.6
day 71 253.7
day 72 254.6
day 73 254.2
day 74 254.0
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
there have been lots of boys, lots of talking.

one huge crush, who then proceeded to ignore me, again. he texted me yesterday morning apologizing for not being responsive. haven't heard from him since then.

admittedly he is busy, as he did just fly here for work... but still. if he liked me, he could spend 15 seconds and type a:

"i know my life is really hectic right now,
but i think you're really charming,
and i want to see you soon.
[and fuck your brains out]"

whatever, i'm mostly over it, but if he shapes up i'll give him another round cause.. moving does suck..

had two rounds of phone sex yesterday. [with a different guy] it was alright, still a little tender.

feeling a little weird about the guy now, but he doesn't mind.

still talking to ted and will. both very good friends, though ted is still trying to get in my pants.

i know he means well.

he sees me as someone who needs saving.

he wants to be my hero, and there's something romantic about that.

also, being adored by an artist is a unique experience.

it's nice to be appreciated for the things he notices, as most guys are too dumbstruck by my tits to notice much else.

when he told me about my breasts, he didn't go for the obvious "booooobbbieesssss" comment. he talked about how he watched them move as i took every breath.

i feel like most guys would have miss that. that they would be too caught up in my cleavage and wanting to put their hand/face/cock there.

whatever, still creeped out by his hands on me. maybe over time.

and that, my girls, is all there is.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
lilah lee: love you too :)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

mind-fuck movies and a boy i can't have [68]

day 68

weigh in: 256.2

cheese and broccoli 450

day 69
[snicker]

weigh in: 254.6

trying to do another round of what i did yesterday.
so far, so good.

i may even fast tomorrow now that i have the day off.. but me and fasts don't usually work out.

its better to restrict well than to fast poorly.. right?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
more flirting with boys that are not of interest. even the ridiculously hot ones are just kind of.. blah. there is even one that's educated.. maybe there's promise there.. if he'd say something interesting... education really means nothing huh?

the friend i had a drink with after ted? ...and am not aloud to have a crush on...but am failing a little.... [i should really give him a name since i talk to him... every day... and have for awhile now, but i can't think of an appropriate one.. lets go with will?]

so, will! yes! will... he doesn't have a college education, but he has a really high paying job, even a house, that he doesn't live in. not to mention he's the most intelligent, funny, snarky guy i've met in a very long time... he could run circles around half the people i went to college with. clearly, a college education means [next to] nothing.

anyhow, while we were having drinks we talked about mind-fuck movies, because it's something we both enjoy. [we don't have a whole lot in common, which is why he's not into me.. aside from the fact i'm a fat cow! ..not that he'd say that.. i hope]

anyhow, mind-fuck movies. i like them a lot but i haven't see that many of them.

he recommends like 80 thousand movies for me to see. last night i rented the top two.

the first was "following" which was both beautiful and interesting, but very simple and easy to understand and [forgive the pun] follow.

the second, "primer" however... i'm still mind-fucked a little, or realistically, a lot.

he wasn't kidding when he said i'd have to watch it 3 times before i began to understand it. i'm planning to watch it again tonight... possibly even take notes.. i'm a dork i know.

in any event all throughout primer, i was texting him asking questions... and afterward he asked me to call him.. graaaahhh i shouldn't talk to him on the phone if i'm trying NOT to form a crush on him.. but how can u refuse when a smart sexy guy asks you to call? tehe

i'm convinced i'm actually not as into him, as i think i am. [i get that line made no sense, let me explain]

i think i'm just crushing on him because hes really attractive and he's exactly my kind of intelligent snark.

while talking to rachel via text last night, i came to the conclusion that.. yeah i wanna kiss him.. fuck his brains out and all those fun things.. but i have little to no desire to date the guy. i mean if he asked me out, i'd say yes cause he's really cool... but honestly, i'd much rather have him as a friend long term, than a few dates and then nothing.

plus he knows me too well, and is amused by my overly horniness.

for example, i asked him the other day:

you know what depresses the fuck out of me?

will: dead puppies?
robin: no
will: sick puppies?
robin: no
will: dead batteries?

at that point i died of laughter.

i was going to say that:
the fact that i don't even put my dildo away anymore after i wash it depresses the hell out of me. it's just sitting by the bed, waiting for use.

someone who can crack a joke like that, needs to be kept around. even if i have to keep my mitts off him.

side note: does anyone else feel REALLY DIRTY when they wash their sex toys? this is a thought i've had before, but last night while washing my purple friend with warm soapy water.. i felt like i was giving a hand job.. it was so dirty.. i loved it. tehe

okay, enough already...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
m: you are too sweet to me, i am terrible sometimes. there are days where everything in the apartment finds it's way into my mouth, even if it doesn't look tasty. it happens to the best of us. just a matter of stopping yourself sooner than later. one bad day doesn't change everything, unless you let it.

liz: thank you lovie. don't worry about ted, i haven't even texted him since the event. i've been removing myself a lot from the sexual things he says to me. he invited me to watch him go train [it's a Ds thing] two women yesterday. i declined hard core. i think he's getting the message that i want him to be my mentor, not my lover. don't worry, darling!

be kind for everyone you know is fighting a battle: yeah.. i know that inevitably every guy i approach is doomed at this point. i hate to admit it, but i know it to be true... it's just my needs are so intense it's hard to not look, you know?

peridot: yay for whiskey! tehe ..yeah i know about guys being sleazy.. especially at bars.
---
yay.. story time:

once while bar hopping with a friend, her sister, and her sister's gf... we went into a place, that carded us a the door.

for the record, when i go drinking or clubbing i try not to bring a purse because it's irritating so most of my things, including my id end up in my bra.

so, i fish my id out from my cleavage and hand it to the guy. in the sleaziest possible manner, he asks if he can put it back for me. i smile uncomfortably and decline the offer.

since the place was kind of lame we left after one drink. my friend had a slice of orange on her drink and i heart drink garnishes and asked if i could have it, since she was leaving it. she doesn't care so i stay an additional 10 seconds or so, while the remainder of the group walked out.

as i was heading for the exit, the same sleazy door man literally steps in front of the door blocking my way out and says to me: no, stay, your friends are still here.

seriously? that was supposed to work?

yeah that's my sleaziest guy at a bar story, but i think it's twice as gross since the guy was paid to be there, shouldn't he have been professional???

blah.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

690 cals means weight gain..blah [67]

day 67

weigh in: 255.3

rice 400
cheese and broccoli 290

day 68

weigh in: 256.2

brought cheese and broccoli for breakfast and lunch. hopefully one for dinner will cut it...

i should really just stop eating all together..

it gets me no where.
----------------------------------------
not a whole lot to report, i'm sorry to say.

a friend coerced me, with flirting, to join an online dating site. i've met two guys thus far from it, but they're not really anyone i'd go on a date with.

still, i think i ought to give it a real try. i'll be filling out my profile after i finish on here.
---
i'm in a weird head space right now.

i'm sorry to be painfully dull.
---
i feel like i failed you guys, i gained almost a full pound and i didn't flirt with boys.. what is the world coming to?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
peridot:it was a shot of jameson. i just sort of rounded. usually alcohol doesn't seem to count if it's consumed in a bar because i hate to sit down as i am usually just too twitchy.

liz: you're welcome lovely, you know i'm always here.

to both of you, and everyone
: i'm still talking to ted. [though i will NEVER meet up with him again] he's a lot older and experienced and sometimes i need the perspective of someone who's been there.

plus being able to say i'm a fat cow and get compliments back.... helps sometimes when i hate myself.

don't hate me too much?

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

what were you thinking?!??? [66]

day 66

weigh in: 255.5

cantaloupe 70
rice 400
broccoli and cheese 150
shot of whiskey 140?

day 67

weigh in: 255.3

i need a new scale i had to climb on and off the scale like 8 times with weights to get this number. first it sad 255.5, then 255.1 then 255.3 and 255.3 again so i went with it. i'm willing to put down some decent money if it's a quality piece.. anyone have any good suggestions?

i split the rice packet in two and am having it for breakfast and lunch, as it was really too much for one meal..but once i have an open packet i feel the need to finish it. i'm about half way through my 1/2 section and i'm feeling mostly full. which is awesome.

mmm... broccoli and cheese for dinner...

god i could eat that shit all day every day. i probably should. if i had one for breakfast lunch and dinner i'd only be consuming 450 cals.. that's really not so bad... it'd be 100 cals less than i'll consume today... hmm..

perhaps new diet plan coated in cheese?

in the words of a true food addict:
awwwwwesome.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
omg.. liz knows some of this, cause i texted her while it was happening.. but oh dear christ, was last night bad. [it ended well don't worry!]

so.. more chats to ted, if you recall from previous posts, he's 55.

i have really been too forward with him.

he convinces me to have coffee [tea in my case] at the same starbucks with him and text from across the room because i'm too chicken shit to actually talk to him.

so i drive there, and i catch a glimpse of him as i pull in.. i already know, just by his posture, i don't want to do this. [i don't know if this is just me, but i can just see how someone moves and get a sense of them.. maybe i'm insane, maybe i just notice body movement because i'm an artist.. who knows]

so i text him while still in my car, and i can see him in my rear view mirror.

apparently he's spotted me... great.. he asks if he should come over, i tell him, no, please stay where you are...

we text from about 20 feet away and he gets up to go to the bathroom. [totally a ploy, i knew it, but you can't tell someone not to use the bathroom.. that's just mean, what if he actually had to go?] when he gets back he circles around my car and climbs inside.

my heart is beating out of my chest at this point. i can't even look him in the eyes i'm so mortified. he puts a hand on my arm and that's it. i shrink away immediately and he asks if i want him to get out of the car..i say yes, he half gets out, then decides no, he should try again. i ask him to leave and eventually he does.

we texts from the insides of our cars for another 10-15 min while i frantically texts liz and two guy friends... [i apologize if i made no sense.. i was seriously twitching from adrenaline at that point]

he asks to take me to dinner. i say to him, seriously? you want to take the chick with an ED to dinner? he suggests a diet coke, i say no, he suggests a cherry [wtf??] i say no, he eventually bows out and drives off...

i'm still so skeeved out i can't go home. so i ask my guy friends to get a drink with me, i eventually convince the one to come out with me and let me buy him a drink... just because i can't go home without some liquor in me..and preferably some mental images that don't involve ted. [the friend i met up with informed me later he intended to not let me pay, cause he's a dork like that, but he forgot his wallet and was most of the way to the bar when he realized]

unfortunately i had to wait about an hour before he would be around. s'all good, i just didn't want to go home.

i drove around with the radio blasting. ted texts me while im driving.. and continues to hit on me...

seriously?

did you really think that went well?

he informs me he could see up my skirt while approaching the car... great.. flashing old men..."nice pussy, clean shaven, lovely folds" egads, why don't i wear underwear?? [because they cut into me in an unflattering way.. and i was under the impression i didn't FLASH PEOPLE] he went on and on...

i suggest we "be friends", he asks if i'm ok with having a friend that wants to fuck me. i inform him i have several... which is true lol.

he tells me that next time we meet he'll get me drunk so i'll be pliable and do the things we talked about... i inform him that's textbook rape.. he doesn't seem phased.. [admittedly we did talk about consensual rape.. cause well i think being forced is hot.. [so long as u actually want the guy before hand!!!!]]

dear christ.. that was awful.

so eventually i meet up with my friend, which was great. he is the only guy i've met off cl that didn't try to fuck me... though i kinda wish he would.. tehe. i had a crush on him when i first started talking to him.. that is... [mostly] gone.

he hugged me upon meeting and when we said goodbye which was nice to get physical contact that didn't make my skin crawl. we talk for awhile about music, films, his date he had with a chick over the weekend.. and my TERRIBLE night... it was really nice, i drove him home [like 4 blocks away] and then went home myself.. thinking of how cute he was.

i am so not aloud to form another crush on that boy.


he's been very sweet and understanding in my time of complete insanity post-break up.

anyhow.. that was my night.. i may be scarred for life..

i think i need a few dates to get the bad taste out of my mouth..
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liz: i already responded to you via text but i thought i should write you anyway. i'm glad u like my sex posts.. they are usually what haunts my mind.. aside from my HUGE ASS...anyhow.. love! [i'll send that diet plan to you now]
---
peridot: bouncers are so my thing.. i was once protected by one from an insanely skeezy guy.. the bouncer could have had me right there if he'd wanted to, i would have loved it.

motorcycle would work too.. i just wanna go really fast and hear the revving of an engine. mm..

Monday, July 26, 2010

red lipstick makes me feel wild [63-65]

..let's do the easy part first.

day 63

weigh in: 259.5

turkey 225
cantaloupe 70

day 64

weigh in: 257.1

[at a restaurant]
small piece of chicken 100?
sauteed mushrooms/tomatoes 40?
raw tomato slices 20?
salad 30?
tiny bit of dressing 30?

broccoli and cheese packet 150

omg liz, thank you for introducing me to these!!!

day 65

weigh in: 255.5

2 broccoli and cheese packets 300
rice 400

day 66

weigh in: 255.5

i had 70 cals of cantaloupe for breakfast.. i feel like puking now because it hurts a little... how come whenever i eat more than a tiny amount i feel like puking? i should be pleased with that..right? maybe the fruit is just too heavy. i was fine with the broccoli and cheese packets and they're roughly the same volume. who knows. embrace your strangeness right?
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so most of the events happened yesterday, as that was the day i spent up in the city.

i've been talking to ted at length.. all day every day. he's totally attached to me at this point, even though he lies and says he isn't.

i am growing to like him too, i even left some dirty voicemail on his phone. tehe

i could potentially be with him and feel safe, but have my needs met. there is one problem though. he kind of danced around how girthy he is, telling me, he didn't know... basically he's now saying that he's close to 2 inches in diameter...

holy fuck balls. that is much too much cock... dunno if that's feasible.. if i plan to have sex with anyone else again. lol... here i thought i was spoiled on one and a half inches.... oh my..
---
ok so.. events of yesterday.

i started by dying my hair dark red and putting on some of my favorite red lipstick.

after that, i drove up to the city to meet with a friend.

i asked her to go on a walk, so we went to campus and walked around... made me rather sentimental. as we were walking i noticed two security guys in a golf cart... of course i look.. security guys are hot! all that...pent up need for authority and being told i'm naughty and such...

tehe.. i realize security people and cops are probably sick to death of their lovers wanting to be disciplined... but i still can't get it out of my head. so delicious!

anyhow..
i look..
they look...
they continue to look..
still looking..
i wave.

about two minutes later we had security guys talking to us :D

nothing came of it, but it was nice to flirt.

after our walk we had coffee.. or tea in my case. after that, a drive down the coast.. which was so delicious. she loves to drive fast and a lil recklessly and i love being in the car with her while she drives.

what is it about an accelerating engine that is just so sexual?

god, i'd love to date a guy with a muscle car.. that'd get me so hot riding in the passenger seat with him driving.... maybe he'd even fuck me in the back seat.. mm...

anyhow.... [removing head from gutter..briefly] after the drive we went to see the sorcerer's apprentice. actually a really cute movie. [i like geeky guys, so there's always that but it was really funny and adorable too] anyone else think the main actor's voice sounds exactly like christian slater? am i crazy? who knows.
---
throughout the day ted had been texting me... A LOT... like i looked at my phone once to find 14 messages waiting for me... not obsessed? yeah, BULLSHIT!

we talked when i got home and after he went to bed i sent him his first picture of me, as i had remained hidden till then.

guess what my first email from him this morning included?

two drawings of me, he did based on the picture....

anyone else think that's a little psycho?

i guess it's supposed to be romantic.. but i think it's a lil weird.

who knows at this point? if he doesn't settle down i probably wont be able to meet him for the hot sticky sex that could be had. oh well, we'll see.
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rachel: i don't know if it's so much negative cals or my body being insane... whatever, i'm going down and that's all that matters.
---
peridot: meat-tagged? oh my... well i guess it's true.. never before have i noticed so many eyes on me. i guess the repressed sexual aggression of 3 years is just oozing out of me at this point and the men can... smell it?
---
liz: it is nice for him to know. when i feel sick in the middle of the day i can tell him and he doesn't judge.. which is so weird.. i never thought i could tell a guy and not have him see me as insane.

i am always here for you, you know that! if ever you need advice on something i can help you with, i'm totally here... even if you want me to talk you through a session ;)
---
to all my lovlies: i am always here for you. if ever you need someone, please leave a message, i will hold your hand through it, and remind you it will get better. swears.

Friday, July 23, 2010

outing myself to someone mostly harmless [62]

i'm still depressed.

in other news:
of course, when i ate more, my weight went down..i'm officially crazy..but whatever.

day 62

weigh in: 260.4

turkey sandwiches 390
eggs 280?
tomato slices 20?
fruit salad 180?
turkey 275

instead of ordering off the standard options i had a side order of scrambled eggs and a bowl of fruit. worked out well.

day 63

weigh in: 259.5

i brought cantaloupe and turkey to work for breakfast/lunch. i don't feel like eating. maybe i'll get away with no breakfast. that'd be nice.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
at lunch yesterday, i swear, four men were staring at me... i don't know what to do with that.

have i totally lost it?

i'm not attractive enough to receive that kind of attention, but i'd like to think i'm not so ugly as to receive the "freak show" stare...

yay, another layer of psychosis
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i almost outed myself by accident yesterday.

the comp at work crashed and wouldn't reload so i couldn't clear my browser history... i probably shouldn't be back on here..but i'm addicted now.. great. maybe i'll just have to submit and buy that laptop i wanted before i'm really ready to...

u know, i have no idea how much money i have in my account... maybe i can afford it. who knows?

thankfully i convinced the comp that it wanted to do what i told it to so i could wipe the history.

then i decided to actually out myself.

remember the 55 year old i mentioned before? let's call him ted. he actually gets a name because he might hang around long enough to warrant one. he and i have been talking at length, and though i do enjoy his company..and i flirt with him more than i probably should, i have no actual interest in him romantically.

we talked about secrets and power and self destructiveness..eventually i just told him, because he already knew too much.

he confessed to me that he was apart of the same organization my mother was [FA, basically AA for food] i guess we're all a little messed up in the head.

he's been very sweet to me, and i feel he could be someone that could really offer me things i need as person, but i'm so not ready to go down that path with anyone..especially a 55 year old man.

i dunno, nice to have him around.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i emailed the carpenter shortly after i got home yesterday.

no word yet, i don't expect any.
---
a friend of mine said he'd make a cl posting and screen the guys for me... i think he was kidding... think..
---
i still hold true that i need to take a step back from guys.

i found myself falling for my "old flame" of previous postings. we've talked about him coming down here to visit me..and fuck my brains out.

i told him yesterday:

you should never come here.
i'd fall in love with you.


he seemed to think it wasn't such a bad idea. great, strung out on another boy.

why can't i just be friends with men? why must i constantly push the envelope?

part of me thinks that if they respond favorably it means that i'm worthy. part of me knows that thought is crazy.
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peridot: thank you darling. it means a lot to know someone who hears the things inside my head, still thinks i'm something to be greatly missed.

lina
: it's not sad when i asked you to do it. it's sad that i couldn't get anyone to like me enough to respond... that's sad.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

pity party of 1 [61]

i assure you, nothing in this post will be of interest.

it will be excessively bitchy, and you are more than welcome not to read.

you will most likely loose all respect for me if u do continue.

the only things you need to know are the following:
*i gained more than 2 lbs even though my calorie content went down
* boys suck

day 61

weigh in: 258.2

cheese & bread 230
stale cherrios and blueberries 185 [i didn't eat the whole thing i brought]
turkey and bread 450

almost 200 cals less than the day before.

day 62

weigh in: 260.4

i'm not going to keep to the diet plan i worked out yesterday. i want to be much more melodramatic than that.

i brought turkey and bread for breakfast[390], and i'm being forced to go to lunch where everything is served with potatoes. im going to gain weight, i know it.

part of me thinks there's something wrong with my scale. i've had to increasingly get on with weights and then on without anything to see a repeated number... maybe it's a dieters "safety" that if it detects someone a few oz different coming on shortly after the last time it gives u the same number so u don't freak out over oz's. [u can tell i'm crazy because i'm convinced my scale lies to me] i don't know what the deal is. i don't know if i'm just that much of a fat cow and that's the issue... that's probably the issue. the scale is too new to be fucked up already, even though the ex did kick it a few times.

i don't know, i almost don't care.


i wanted to go into the city this weekend to see a movie in an indie theatre up there, but im beginning to think i need to stay home and fast. i don't know, my head is obviously not right at the moment...so we'll check back in later.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
boys...sigh boys...

so perhaps the carpenter doesn't like me. i figured after the conversation we had, he did, but i guess i was wrong. why would anyone spend 3 and a half hours with someone they didn't like? [without the promise of sex]

i don't know, perhaps i'm crazy.
perhaps he was busy.
perhaps his phone died and he didn't receive my texts.
perhaps i should have listened when he said he didn't like to send texts.

in reality, however:
yet another guy i allowed myself to form a crush on,
doesn't deem me worthy of his company.


i knew it was too early for this.

how can i date guys and convince them to like me, when i don't like me?

let me preface my next statement with this: i am not going to throw away the guys i have now, if for some reason they still want to talk to me, ill respond. i'll even send the carpenter an e-mail today in an attempt to get a response. i'm also not going to reprimand a new guy for approaching me.

i am however, not going to approach new men.

i need to wait this out, i need to be smaller before i can attempt to be desirable.

maybe in a few months, when i'm hopefully a size 16, ill flirt with new boys.

i'm not doing it now, it feels so... counter productive.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i'm cutting off the nominees for the blogger addict award. i know i'm supposed to have five, but if no one responds...well no one responds.

it only adds to my current thought process.
---
liz: thank you for sharing a secret, even in all this, it makes me feel special.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

blogger addict award

the rules are:
five things you love,
five things you hate,
and five blogger addicts.

















love:
1.long breathless kisses
2.san francisco fog
3.the pale green tear drop of glass
hanging from my rear view mirror
4.lavender
5.red lipstick

hate:

1.being self concious
2.needing 8 keys on my keyring
3.people who take advantage of other people
that don't block intersections when there's traffic.
4.living at least 2 hours away from the people i love
5.people that use my things without asking

blogger addicts:

well, i feel like most people
already have this award
[minus me]

so now comes a test of true blogger addiction:
those who first respond to this posting will be my nominees,
as u clearly are so addicted, that u check my blog regularly..

1.liz-even though she nominated me, she rocks my socks off!
2.lina

that's it, no more.