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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

binge binge binge.

blah, i feel so disgusting.

i've eatten like 8 meals today. i could not stop myself. i knew i was in trouble when i had eatten what equated to two meals before 11:00, but i kept eatting. even when i wasn't all that interested. i kept saying to myself over and over:


you're not hungry, you're just compulsive.
you're not hungry, you're just compulsive.
you're not hungry, you're just compulsive.


it worked twice but that wasn't enough to stop me the rest of the day. god, i cannot allow myself to sit alone at home anymore. way too dangerous.

i need a project or something to do.
just something.
god.

i'm posting from my iphone right now. Kinda sad I can't stay away all weekend, but posting seems to help some, even though no one reads...even though I pretend ppl do, pathetic huh?

today was a failure, but my weigh-ins have been good. hope i haven't totally screwed myself for tommrow's. wish me luck. stay strong lovies.

Friday, May 28, 2010

i heart hannah murray







cassie (hannah murray) of the skins is the most adorable delicate dysfunctional young woman to ever make anorexia beautiful. like....wow.

days 1-6















day 6 weight: 284.4 cals: 1305
day 5 weight: 285.7 cals: 1101
day 4 weight: 286.3 cals: 1210
day 3 weight: 287.0 cals: 1044[non negative]
day 2 weight: 287.3 cals: 1538[non negative]
day 1 weight: 289.0 cals: 881[non negative]

Thursday, May 27, 2010

zomg caloric calculator


prettywreck is my new favoritest person ever. i was reading her blog and i came across an equation for the amount of calories a person burns a day at rest based on weight alone.

[weight/2.2 (to convert lb to kg)]x 30

i have been madly tapping at a calculator non stop since then.

in order to achieve my goal of an addition 4.4 lbs by the end of the month (using the 279.9 weight to be safe) i need to consume 738 cals per day or less (today is blown because i've already had hummus but i can go without tomorrow to counteract the effect)

and if next month i eat 1200 cals (the magic number) ill loose over 22 lbs.. awesome. the objective was to loose 10 lbs a month or better and the calculator wants me to eat 3,878 calories to maintain 284.4 jesus. i feel suddenly incredibly empowered. thanks pretty!!

her blog can be found here: http://dreadfulpretty.blogspot.com

Monday, May 17, 2010

another pre-start post

we're almost moved in, i expect to start by the end of the week.

i bought a new scale that's digital from weight watchers, my bf said it's sad that there needs to be scales that go up to 400 lbs, i told him i had breached 300 in the past and he looked at me incredulously, weird how he can't see it. in any event the scale says i'm slightly lighter than the other did, my hope is that it's more accurate as the old one used to fudge a little between pounds.

i weigh myself first thing in the morning after using the bathroom, completely naked so as to give the most leveled reading..and the lightest lol.

as of this morning i weighed 287.9 lbs.

my hope is to remain under 290 so i can put forth a plan to loose 10 lbs a month or better and break 200 in less than 9 months. i don't foresee it being too difficult as ive gotten very close before in less time. a few years ago i went down to 215 in about 6 months from...i believe 280.

my plan for my first week on my plan is to have three servings of lean protein a day and anything from my negative calorie list. if you know any others or know any of the following not to be negative calories, please clue me in.(i find some of the fruit and starches like corn, peas, and squash to be questionable) thanks!
apples
apricots
artichokes
asparagus
beets
blackberries
blueberries
broccoli
cabbage
cantaloupe
carrots
cauliflower
celery
cherries
corn
cranberries
cucumbers
eggplant
garlic
grapefruit
grapes
green beans
honeydew melon
kiwi
lemons
lettuce
limes
mushrooms
nectarines
onions
oranges
papaya
peaches
pears
peas
peppers
pineapple
plum
pomegranates
prunes
raspberries
squash
strawberries
string beans
tangerines
tomatoes
watermelon
zucchini

Thursday, May 13, 2010

introductions prior to starting

hello all, i actually decided to join blogger based on one woman, whose blog i have become quite addicted to.

miss pollydolly or cat
http://attemptthin.blogspot.com/

it seems i am always following someone else onto joining sites but hopefully in this situation it will be for my benefit.

somewhere in february i realized things had gotten way out of hand. i was tipping the scales at 317 and i could not imagine gaining another pound so i started to diet...it lasted for a few months and i got down to 280 but eventually stress got to me and im sad today today i currently weighed in at 291.

i am currently in the process of moving and i don't want to restrict too much because i will be doing extensive lifting and carrying but in less than two weeks, i will be moved..well i have to be because my lease is up on the 24th...and when i have settled in i will officially make weight loss my immediate and obsessive goal. it is my hope that if i have somewhere i have to check into, i will be forced to recon with myself. best luck to you all and i hope you are better off than i.

cautionary note, i have horrible typing, spelling, and grammatical skills, my deepest apologies.