My photo
i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

new apartment today? [39]

well i'm going to view this great apartment today, its cheap, it's close to work, and its a studio with a 4x6 closet. [i want a small apartment with a big closet so i don't feel inclined to keep useless shit to fill the space. streamlining... just another way to purge the weight.]

hopefully this will work out and the application process can be completed before the weekend, [which i'll be forced to share with the bf] so i can move in on monday.

[crossing fingers extra hard]

ok food related news, i went a little psycho but i didn't gain weight so i'm not TOO worried.

day 39

weigh in: 267.9

pudding 60

cherrios 200
part of a pudding:40?

rice 400
cheese 350

total calories consumed: 1,050


day 40

i stupidly forgot to weigh myself before i ate because i was running around the apartment trying to find something to shove in my mouth before i left for work. [going to see the dentist today which means i had to eat before i brushed my teeth and not at work which is what i usually do]

so i weighed myself after a can of diet coke and a rice cake[50] and stayed the same weight.

weigh in: 267.9

i'm being taken out to lunch today after the dentist by my mom. we'll prolly go to an italian joint, ill try to be good but the best option will prolly be pasta pomodoro. wish me luck dearies.
peridot, thanks for your comment, i really need the support right now. i'm seriously scared that he might flip out, and since i have no one near me, it could be potentially dangerous. here's hoping breaking up in a public parking lot will be safe enough. thanks again!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

hell and back [34-38]

i need to be kick ass like her-->
[more explained later]

ok, i'm going to talk about the diet first, then detail the events that have occurred since we last spoke...

day 34

weigh in: 266.5

cheese 160

cherrios 200

kielbasa 270

total calorie content 630

day 35

weigh in: 265.4

cheese 400

then i left mid day for so cal...

day 36-binge
day 37-binge

i came back mid day 38

once i got home i had thing of rice [400]

day 39

weigh in: 267.9

i'm supposed to have a pudding and some cherrios for breakfast, and the same for lunch. i should eat, i feel my body telling me to eat, but i don't want to...i should really force down one of the two so i don't collapse later...

i found while on my binge days that the binge foods weren't even that good. honestly, my favorite binge was just having more than id usually eat of chicken kielbasa. in light of this, i think for the time being at least i'm going to try and have around 800 cal days, 200 or less for breakfast, 200 or less for lunch, and 400 or less for dinner. i can have a larger portion of kielbasa or maybe rice, which i've been hiding from for fear of weight gain. it occurs to me, that if i get to eat a filling dinner, that i don't really care much about the rest. it was kinda sad actually, id order all this food bc i wanted to try all the things i had been craving, and then id end up eating half or less of the food that i bought....i'm weird.

[end of diet related information ur welcome to not look any further i apologize right now, because it's going to be so unorganized.]

quick note about the weekend:

it was amazing. i loved it, i met a really cute guy i like, and i think likes me. unfortunately he lives 5 and a half hours away...anyway here's the important stuff...

cliff notes version:

bf=emotionally/financially/and a little physically abusive

all of this means...

going to break up and move out in less than a week

okay so, how to give u background information without making you all want to die from the length of my post...

well, things have been going poorly for ages, i'm not happy, he doesn't treat me right, hes been dependent on me since before we even got together officially.

i'm sick of it.

the last time we fought he threw me down on the bed to quote "prevent me from leaving" when i was packing a bag to spend the night elsewhere.

it hurt.

he's thrown a water bottle at me before while we fought but never actually put his hands on me.

i don't know how, but he got me to stay.

i tell him two weeks later i want my own apartment. [i'm secretly thinking of breaking up once i'm out] but he convinces me to give him a month to clean up his act.

he actually does, hes doing really well, but i can't seem to let go of the past. i hate it when he touches me or tries to kiss me. i'm just emotionally cut off from him. everything i do, i only do to keep from upsetting him, not because i actually want him to touch me.

--------- a little back tracking to make sense of the present ---------

stupidly, awhile back, when i was convinced i was going to marry him, i gave him/let him take obscene pictures of me. since things were going so horribly and i hated the pictures to begin with, i asked him to get rid of them. he puts up a little bit of a fight but agrees.

a week ago he says he's gotten rid of the cds with the photos on them, that he burned them and threw them out.

i ask him, did u really do it? he says yes. i ask him again, did he do it? bc i'll dump him if i find out he lied. he looks me dead in the eyes and swears to me he got rid of them.

--------- present ---------

i know he keeps some less offensive pictures of me on a flash stick, and i know where he keeps it. [not that he knows i know] i decided when i got home from so cal to look them over to see if there were any on there i'd die if they were leaked on the net, to see how much of a fuss i should put over them.

the flash stick's gone

i poke around in his closet, guess what i find?


ain't guys great?

that's just the final straw, there's so much more.

i called my friend and met up with him and we had some really awful sex on his boat. [i needed a way to hurt my bf even if i never told him, just because i felt so hurt and out of control. hate me if u will.] -edited to add note- *note after he pushed me we broke up for about 5 min before he begged me back and as part of the agreement he said i could have a one night stand.. so i didnt *technically* cheat.. dunno if it counts.

today, i'm looking up apartments. i hope to sign a new lease before monday [my first day off without him home] and move the important stuff then.

i'm terrified to go. i'm terrified to stay.

for now, i'm playing the role of girlfriend while hating him inside.

i can't believe he'd go this low.

apparently i was wrong.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

plans for this weekend and attention new followers

ok, new followers first:

new followers, please leave a comment with a link to your blog i'd love to check you out but i'm not blogger savvy enough to get there without it being listed as one of your "links" or you leaving a comment.

plans for this weekend:

so i'm driving down there in the middle of the night friday and coming back in the middle of the night sunday. what happens between the moment i leave the city i live in, and when i re-enter, i'm going to pretend didn't happen. i'm still going to count them as days [36 &37] but i will not be counting calories or attempting to stay under a specific amount of calories.

the only rule is as follows:


this means, no compulsive eating.

i can have anything i want, as much of anything i want, but only when i'm hungry, and i MUST STOP when i'm full. it doesn't matter if there's half a bite left. i WILL stop. if i feel so inclined to chew spit the remaining, so be it.

that is my only rule. and i am determined to keep to it.

hopefully when i get back ill be under 270, but i doubt it.

on another note:

i have a four day weekend since this is my last week of having fridays off, and next weeks is my first of having mondays off so i will be gone tomorrow till tues. i will probably be checking blogger, [yay for iphones] and most defiantly checking my email account that gives me notice of comments.

if anyone wants to chat or wants to check in feel free to leave a comment or send me an e-mail, i have one specifically for the ED universe:

[edit-deleted so it can't be searched for via google, if u want to talk to me though just leave a comment and i'll re-post it till you get ur hands on it]

if you live in the US and u want a new ana/ednos buddy send me ur name and number and ill text you back.

best of luck girlies. stay strong, and wish me luck on my controlled binge days.

still fucking gaining weight [33]

how on earth am i still gaining weight? i was afraid upping my calorie intake would do this. i was really hoping that even after my two day binge weekend, id come home and still be under 270, now there's little to no hope of that since i keep FUCKING gaining.

oie, i know i haven't been fantabulous, but hell, under 700 isn't THAT bad, is it?

here's what i ate:

day 33

weigh in: 266.1

1 slice cheese 50
1 pudding cup 60

cherrios 200

chicken kielbasa 360

total calories consumed: 670

day 34

weigh in: 266.5

maybe i ate too late, i dunno. i plan to have virtually the same diet tonight but less dinner since most of the package is gone. so fucking tasty though..blah..


on to non diet subjects [if you don't care you can stop reading i'm not going to be mentioning anything about my diet from here down]

so, things with the bf are fucked.

i feel strangled by the situation, i know he's trying to do better, but i don't feel much different than i did before.

i really want to move out.

i almost want to break up.

i feel so tethered down by him because he's so dependant on me, financially and emotionally. it's just making me sick.

we had a little bit of a tift last night, i went out for two hours and then we hanged out and watched an episode of batman beyond [yes we're dorks] then he went out and we fought over that. i dunno it was really late an i hate sleeping without at least him there or the chain on the door. whatever, he got his way.

i woke up this morning to find a rose on my night stand that he had picked somewhere on his trip out.

i really dunno how i feel or what i want.

i don't want to loose him but i just HATE having both our names on a lease.

i want to be independent so badly and i've told him this. i've never supported just myself before. before we got together i was living off an allowance my parents gave me, now i go halves with the bf. i just wanna do it on my own. i can totally afford to.


more details if anyone asks, i get i'm all rambley and incoherent at this point.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

of course, feeling better, means gaining weight [32]

so around 11:00 am my stomach started feeling better, i carefully ate a single slice of cheese, and everything was fine. by the time lunch rolled around i had the entire packet of rice and for dinner.. well 2 slices of cheese and a can of chicken soup [with fat scraped off the top and the actual chicken removed. (i know i'm crazy..its endearing..right?)]


so i told rachel about my decision to eat more, figuring she'd be like "no! eat veggies! you can totally do it!" but surprisingly she was cool, she told me that anything below 900 calories was a starvation diet, and the whole name of the game is eating as little as possible while still keeping you going. that was comforting to know, even though i still feel like a failure.

not that i didn't just tell you, but heres here's what i ate yesterday...

day 32

weigh in: 264.8

1 slice cheese 50

rice 400

chicken soup 150
2 slices cheese 100

total calorie consumption: 700

day 33

weigh in:266.1

i brought 200 cal or less meals to work, breakfast is a pudding cup [60] and a slice of cheese [50] possibly some cantaloupe[56] but it's pretty old so prolly not, lunch is 200 calories of cherrios. dunno bout dinner.

hope all is well out there, and thanks to liz and peridot for your concern.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

success and failure [31]

so, i fucked up.

not in calorie consumption, but in stupidity. when i got home from work, i decided it was time for a walk, so i went as fast as i could go for an hour. i felt like death when i got home and i STUPIDLY chugged a massive amount of diet arizona green tea. i proceeded to feel like i was going to throw up for the remainder of the evening.

i was so jittery and felt like i was going to fall over so i tried to eat, i made myself a slice of low cal bread [45] with some hummus on it [40]. i tried REALLY hard to eat it, but only managed a little bit of the crust where there wasn't really any hummus.

[more feeling like i was going to die]

then i forced down a thin slice of reduced fat cheese [50] and i still felt awful, like to the point that i was almost crying when i couldn't find my slip after my shower. it was ridiculous. i left the bedroom a mess because i couldn't manage to clean up after myself. [i'm an organizational freak so this is very bizarre behavior for me]

[cut to this morning]

i still feel gross, to the point that i'm afraid to eat, which is mostly fine since no one's around to watch me eat breakfast 95% of the time. i've decided it's more important i feel well enough to party this weekend, that be 259.9. don't get me wrong, i'm not going to start consuming my supposed daily allotted 2,000 calories, i think i'm just going to eat closer to 600 or 700, not sure yet.

i brought hang over type food for lunch. [some fruit(57) and rice(400) i also brought some of that reduced fat cheese(50 per slice) but that's only if i can't manage to eat the rice] i'm fine with it if i eat all of it, but i doubt i will.

when i come back from so-cal i think i'm going to have to re-evaluate my diet plan. as disappointed as rachel may be in me, i think at my weight i can't afford to kill myself like that.

i feel like a failure.

i'm sorry.

day 31

weigh in: 266.5

cherrios 110

cantaloupe 45
corn 60

a small corner of bread with the tiny-est bit of hummus maaaaybe 10 cals
slice of cheese 50

total calories consumed: no more than 275

day 32

weigh in: 264.8

hope you guys are doing better than me.

p.s. thank you to all my new followers, and a special thank you to pretty wreck, it means the world to me.

Monday, June 21, 2010

aieeee weekend so-cal plans, means restricting now!

so it's one of my dearest friend's birthday today, and she invited me to come visit her over the weekend.

here's the problem, i'm not nearly low enough to binge for two days straight and she's not exactly the most ana friendly person. i mean, shes not like "death to all anas" just that when i see her we usually have fried food of some variety, and that's super dangerous. so i think in order to counter act the effects of this weekend, i need to start restricting like crazy now. that and go on the walks again. my fat ass was super sore after the one walk so i dunno how many i can do, but id like to do one a day.

here's hoping.

as of this moment i will eat no more than 300 cals per day, hopefully no more than 200 [i've already had 215 today so it's shot] and i will hope and pray to meat my 3rd goal weight by friday night. [259.9]

id really love to fit into my size 20's for it but that's asking way too much [i can currently get in them just not look good in them lol]

rachel and i said we'd start friday fasts, because friday's my day off, although i was informed today that my day off is now going to be mondays after this week, so we no longer have the cool alliteration, but it'll still be good.

ana, please let me reach my goals!

if nothing else, i suppose fasting, then binging will definatly fuck with my metabloisim enough to create some damage. :P

good luck to all you, and stay strong!

jello fasts and rachel are offically awesome [27-31]

day 27

weigh in: 272.5

cantaloupe 70

corn 60
cantaloupe 45
lettuce 3
bell pepper 30
kidney beans 52
10 sprays honey mustard dressing 10

tomato juice 30
pudding 60

total calories consumed: 360

day 28-jello fast

i was both worried and excited for the jello fast. it went surprisingly well even though i did get really dizzy and a head ache mid day, but it subsided in a few hours. i also went on a walk [aprox 50 min and 2.6 miles which equates from anywhere between 300-500 cals burned depending on where you look for my weight] the weird thing about it is, i kinda liked the dizzyness, it felt like being pleasantly drunk with no desire to throw but i dunno how it feels for you guys...i'm excited to say, i did stick to just jello AND i stayed far below my 200 calorie budget. yay :)

weigh in: 270.1

1 raspberry jello @ 7:34
1 orange 1 lime jello @ 1:37

calories consumed:30

day 29

this is the day i spent with my family so i had to eat normally aside from my salsa breakfast..which btw was a bad idea lol very gurgle-y and hot in my mouth all by it's self.

weigh in: 267.9

salsa 30

chicken 210
rice 100
fruit 70

cheerios 95
pudding 116

total calories consumed: 621

day 30

i talked to my ana buddy rachel, about some m and m's i saw at the theatre the other day and we decided it wouldn't be horrible if i had a bag, if that was basically all i had all day, so i got one which i consumed half for brunch and half for a mid-afternoon snack. for dinner, to eat in front of the bf, i made some really awful veggie soup, which was really just veggie puree. [tomato juice+salsa+steamed carrots, onions, and celery thrown in a blender] don't try my recipe, it was bad, but low in cals. lol

weigh in: 266.8

1 bag peanut butter m and m's 240
veggie soup 80

total calories consumed: 320

day 31

weigh in: 266.5

for breakfast i brought a serving of cheerios (110) and another one of my 200 cal veggie lunches. dunno what dinner is, i should prolly finish that chicken noodle soup if i intend to. dunno.

stay strong dearies!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

jello fast

i have a friend from college that won't eat jello because she "won't eat anything that jiggles more than her". that always made me smile.

so i've been pondering doing a jello fast for a few weeks, and i think i'm going to attempt it tomorrow with the help of my new ana buddy rachel :) [she's out of jello so she can't join but i'm sure at some point tomorrow i'm going to text her in desperation. lol.]

the plan is to consume 1 jello cup (10) an hour or less. i may have two on regular meal times (breakfast, lunch & dinner) if i keep to it, and even if i consume one an hour every hour i'm awake, ill still only have 160 calories for the day. i bought 3 6-packs(180) and if i eat them all that's totally fine with me.

the true objective is to remain under 200 calories and stick to jello.

my bf works on friday and i don't so it shouldn't be too hard, although i may be forced to eat something resembling a real dinner. meh. dunno.

projects for tomorrow to keep me occupied:

1. go to a craft store and put together an ana bracelet.
2. vacuum the living room
3. 1 hour walk-hopefully 3 miles-due to my weight comes out to about 500 cals burned
4. spend at least one hour reading wasted
5. possibly dye hair
6. possibly go to a movie

200 cals or less! here i come.

anyone who wants in please tell me, we can exchange numbers and help each other out.

an ana buddy and my first followers!!! [day 26]

ok so news first.

i decided after much debate to finally text rachel


and ask her if she wants an ana buddy. i really needed someone to report to, someone i have to behave for besides myself. because honestly, if i was the only one i needed to feel shamed by, i wouldn't have gotten all the way to 317, because boy did i shame myself every time i bit into a cheeseburger.

anyhow, she said yes and within her first day she got me to make my first right decision.

instead of the soup i was planning to have for dinner i had veggies, tiny bit of dressing, and some tomato juice. i also went to the store, stocked up and prepared lil glad-ware contained 200 cal meals for myself so it's just sitting there waiting to be consumed. no more lazy binging! thx rachel!

in other news i have 2 followers, my first ones, and one of the two is pollydolly,


the girl who inspired me to join blogger. :) [see my first post] awesome all around!

i even lost some weight, although its only the .2 lbs i put on from yesterday so it doesn't really count.

here's yesterday's consumption:

day 26

weigh in: 272.7

cantaloupe 148

rice 400

carrot sticks 15
celery sticks 10
red bell pepper 20
dressing 10
tomato juice 15

total calories consumed: 618

day 27

weigh in: 272.5

i brought 7 oz of cantaloupe (70) and a can of tomato juice (30) for breakfast, i had the fruit, and i'm currently trying to not have the juice but it's there if i need it. i also brought one of my 200 cal packs for lunch. i'm very excited to try it out. hope everyone's day is going well. stay strong!

also, liz, thx for your comment, i tried to go to your page but it refused me. anyway i can change that? -edit- thx liz, i found it, it just confused me when i tried to get to it that way. lol

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

first super market panic attack

i meant to tell you guys before but i forgot with the stress of the added weight this morning.

i was at the store with my bf last night (i bought diet coke rice and something else but i can't remember now.. how weird)

anyhow, my bf eats complete and total shit.


he religiously eats pizza and other fried or cheese covered goods. it's shocking to see him eat anything resembling a balanced meal and i think i've seen him eat salad maybe 3-4 times in the span of our entire relationship. (nearly 3 years)

anyhow, he wants to get brownies, so we head over to the bakery section and i hunt down the kind he likes and he gets stopped over by the pre-packaged cakes. so we're like 15 feet apart and i start to look around and see all the cakes and breads and other things covered in sugar and fat and i start to panic. seriously, like i feel like i jumped in the ocean and was dragged under, like the lifeboat is 15 feet away, or more realistically like if i stand in the section any longer ill absorb the calories by proximity.

i quickly walked over to him and insisted he make up his mind that instant.

he leaves the store with two chocolate covered twinkies and regular soda. jesus the amount of soda he drinks! i consume less calories in food per day than he does in soda. ridiculous!

anyhow, thought i'd share since i thought it was kinda weird when i heard other ppl blog about their supermarket freak outs..well it happens to everyone, even a fat ass like me.

stay strong!

too fat to work out?!!??

so, i've been wanting to kick my weight loss a little with working out, but i'm afraid to go outside to do it because i'd have to wear black stretchy pants to avoid thigh-rub-age. [so gross!] dear god, does no one [besides my bf] want to see that!

after that i was like hmm..i could always get a recumbent bike, and use it at home in the bedroom with the door shut and the bf on the other side..[he likes to watch me work out which i think is gross]

so i was shopping online for recumbent bikes, and the fucking weight limit is 250! jesus.

how am i supposed to loose the fucking weight if i can't go outside and i can't ride a stationary bike without breaking it??? [dear god i'd die if it broke on me]


any suggestions on at home work outs that a ridiculously fat girl can do? [i'm probably about
<- her size. ew!]


shameful rice [day 25]

i don't even want to post, but i'm an addict and addicts really want to do the things they say they don' least on some level.

it's why they're addicts.

so i had rice again, it's about 2 cups and it's 400 calories for all of it. 400 calories used to be something i had for a meal, but now it makes me gain weight. part of me thinks it's due to the restricting i did before and now my body's like "fuck that!", but i dunno. today is my last test day with rice, if i still gain, ill put it away in the cupboard and not touch it till i'm at least 250.

here's what i ate yesterday:

day 25

weigh in: 272.5

strawberries 128

soup 113

upon arriving home at like 4:30:
cantaloupe 134

dinner(at around 7:30 when i normally eat at 6):
packet of rice 400

total calories consumed: 775

day 26

weigh in: 272.7

so i've had cantaloupe for breakfast (149) and i brought the rice for lunch (400) [thinking maybe it's because i ate it too late] and i'll have ither the left over soup for dinner or maybe just fruit, or possibly both. i dunno. i plan to consume around the same amount of calories in order to determine if i'm crazy or if it is the rice.

i'm also waiting impatiently for one of the blogs i follow to go under a fast or stringent diet of some variety and ask for ppl to join up and support each other.

i need some sort of plan, someone to talk to, someone who reads my blog, and has helpful things to say, someone who knows my weight, does judge(at least a little), but is pleased i'm putting forth the effort to change it.

if anyone's starting a crash diet and needs someone to back them, please tell me. id love to join.

best luck to all of you.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

chicken soup for the ana soul

(teeny bit of photoshop done by me)

anyone else read that book when they were younger? i used to LOVE THAT SHIT!


does anyone else ever scrape the congealed fat off the top of chicken soup?

i figure i can't be that weird since ppl blot pizza to absorb the grease, right?

i spent about 10 min scraping the bits of fat off my soup before microwaving it. thankfully it had spent the night in the fridge so it was extra cold and lots was stuck to the lid of the container. so i prolly scooped off at least a table spoon of it. oddly gratifying.

also i intended to eat the other half of the can from last night plus an additional can (225 together) ended up feeling extremely full after around half. jesus, to be really truly full off of 113 cals? not bad at all.

part of me feels like its cheating though, all that fat and all the white carbohydrates in the noodles. but hell. 113 cals? i can live with that.

i plan to have the second half for dinner plus something dunno what yet. ooh maybe cantaloupe only 10 cals an oz.

excellent :)

(ps i don't reduce the calories from what it says on the can, because who knows how much i'm actually taking off and it's better to be safe)

day 24 and weight gain..sigh...

so apparently the quick fix for curing your fears of going into quadruple digits is an intense carb craving...

i knew today was not going to be a good weigh in day.

i more than doubled my calories from the day prior, and i also ate way too late. (like less than 30 min before bed) so, i knew, there was no hope. that's prolly part of the reason why i'm not flipping out right now. if im not 271 by tomorrow i will freak out, but i think a lot of this is due to the fact i upped my calories too quickly, and ate too late.

today is going to be a light day. thankfully, i had the presence of mind while shopping for binge food, not to get more than one packet of the things i wanted, so i can't binge later...

well here's my yesterday..bad i know...

day 24

weigh in: 270.3

pudding 60

cheese sandwich 180
hummus sandwich 140
pudding 60

lasagna 270
garden veggie rice 400
1/2 can chicken noodle soup 75

total calories consumed: 1,185

day 25

weigh in: 272.5

strawberries (128) for breakfast. chicken noodle soup (225) for lunch. dunno what dinner is yet, hopefully under 200 cal. wish me luck lovelies.

Monday, June 14, 2010


i was reading liz's blog "adventures in EDNOS" ( and she posted about an interesting calculator. ( it said my weight loss will be slower than the one posted by prettywreck(, but its still comforting to know.

assuming i consume 1200 cals a day, and do not work out at all these are my stats. (btw, what does "light work out" consist of? i mean i walk around on the weekends and clean and do all sorts of things that make me sweat, but what does light, moderate exc work out really mean?)

-- date ......... weight --
06/21/2010 268.26
06/28/2010 265.90
07/05/2010 263.57
07/12/2010 261.26
07/19/2010 258.98
07/26/2010 256.73
08/02/2010 254.49
08/09/2010 252.29
08/16/2010 250.10
08/23/2010 247.94
08/30/2010 245.80
09/06/2010 243.69
09/13/2010 241.60
09/20/2010 239.53
09/27/2010 237.49
10/04/2010 235.46
10/11/2010 233.46
10/18/2010 231.48
10/25/2010 229.52
11/01/2010 227.59
11/08/2010 225.67
11/15/2010 223.77
11/22/2010 221.90
11/29/2010 220.04
12/06/2010 218.21
12/13/2010 216.40
12/20/2010 214.60
12/27/2010 212.83
01/03/2011 211.07
01/10/2011 209.33
01/17/2011 207.61
01/24/2011 205.92
01/31/2011 204.23
02/07/2011 202.57
02/14/2011 200.93
02/21/2011 199.30

so by the end of february i should have come full circle. and before the new year i should break my lowest since i went to college. (215) wish me luck :)

days 20-24

intense drama occurred this weekend with the bf. i've been really unhappy for awhile and it seems like it's just down spiraling. i've basically given him this one last shot, although i still think we should have separate apartments, but whatever. if anyone's interested enough to ask, i may post later a more detailed description of the events that have transpired but i think that's enough for now, enough to say i may be single very soon....

onto dieting matters...i think i may have gotten a little addicted to restricting. i didn't think it'd happen this quickly but now i'm almost afraid to go back to 1200 in fear of gaining back what i've lost. so much to the point that i haven't even gotten into quadruple digits since then. i had about 500 yesterday due to the afore mentioned drama with the boyfriend. my goal for today is 6-700.

day twenty

weigh in: 274.5

3 rice cakes 150

1 cheese sandwich 180

veggie scramble:
2 egg beater eggs 60
zucchini 47.5
mushroom 18
onions 53

total calories consumed: 508.5

day twenty-one

weigh in: 273.1

for this day i decided to have only hummus and bread. i tried to eat as little as possible. each serving consisted of one slice of bread(45) plus a certain amount of hummus on the slice, weighed out and figured for calorie content. i think i want to try this at some point with 10 cal jello cups. hoping to average about one per hour or less.

1x70 7:53am(45 for bread 25 for hummus)
2x82 10:06am
1x82 12:22pm
2x70 2:06pm
2x70 5:58pm

total calories consumed: 596

day twenty-two

weigh in: 271.6

this day i went out with my family so i had to eat somewhat normally i had a jello at home first to prevent binging and had a salad out. i took about 1/3 of it home and had the rest for dinner with half a pudding cup. the calorie notations for the salad are VERY loose as i could not weigh it. i tried to go on the high side of calories to ensure i wasn't eating more than i thought. so it may have been less than this.

1 jello 10

provolone 200
chicken 100
black olives 100
lettuce 8
mushrooms 6
cabbage 10
bell pepper 7
carrots 12
blue cheese dressing 160

pudding 80

total calories consumed: aprox 793

day twenty-three

weigh in: 271.2

1 pudding cup 60

1 grilled cheese 180

dinner(which i had at like 3:30 and didn't eat anything later because i fought all night):

1 pudding 60
1 hummus sandwich 190

total calories consumed: 490

day twenty-four

weigh in: 270.3

i've had a pudding cup (60) and a wedge of cheese (79) so far today. i really wanted to be 269.9 today but it will probably happen tomorrow or the next day, and that's good enough so long as i keep loosing. i should be down to 250 in the next month, which is major because it's a nice round number and it's also the weight i was when i got with my bf almost 3 years ago. i also bought a 300 dollar bottle of champagne i can consume once i've reached that goal, though ill prolly wait till i drop some more so the calories from the alcohol don't make me break it again. wish me luck lovies. i hope everything is wondrous on your end.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

day 19 and success

ok, so massive crash dieting worked. yay. i'm going to make today light but not quite as light. i don't want my body to get used to 400 cal days in case i need to do this again to promote weight loss.

surprisingly it wasn't very hard. lots of water does the trick. or diet arizona green tea in my case. the after taste of splenda wasn't fantabulous, but it was a small price to pay in order to achieve one's goals.

will be posting actual food consumption as of now :)

day nineteen

weigh in: 276.2

1 rice cake 50

1 cheese sandwich 180

veggie scramble
2 eggbeater eggs 60
onions 40
zucchini 25
mushrooms 27

total calories consumed: 382

day twenty

weigh in: 274.5

i brought the other sandwich for lunch from yesterday. and i still have rice cakes stocked in my desk, i plan to have a few rice cakes for breakfast(2-4), the one sandwich for lunch, and another veggie scramble for dinner. possibly a carb thrown in there. id like to have 500-600 cals today. i'm afraid to go back to 1200 so quickly as it may come back on. wish me luck :)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

please let this work...

so remember the no more than 6 rice cakes? yeah, i had one. (50)

remember the two reduced fat/cal cheese sandwiches? i had one. (180)

i hid the rest of my food in my desk when no one was looking, and i'll sneak it home when i leave.

i'm currently at 230 cals for the day and i plan to have the same dinner i had last night which was ~160 cals which means ill be less than 400 for the day. if i don't loose weight i'm going to shoot someone.... and then promptly proceed to fast.

please please please let the scale go down....please?

days 13-18 and offical panic mode

i don't know what the hell is going on, but i'm putting a stop to it right here and now.

funny how when i first saw this picture i automatically liked it due to it's oddness, but i wasn't sure how the hell i could use it. i'm not even 100% sure what is going on in the picture. i see a woman who has leaped from a building onto a car..i dunno if that makes me crazy... but whatever, i can tell my non existent readers anything i want to; and today, this photo seems appropriate, in great part due to my current state of crisis.

i gained .6 lbs. how is that possible? i ate what i normally eat, but close to 200 cals less than normal. its official i need to restrict like crazy. today i will have absolutely no more than 1000 cals and hopefully 600.

rice cakes (50 cal per) for breakfast. absolutely no more than 6 and hopefully no more than 4. ideal amount is 2 but i think that may be asking too much. for lunch i needed actual food to keep up appearances at work, so i made cheese sandwiches with lower cal cheese so instead of 400 they're 360. dinner will be a veggie scramble with mostly vegetables like last night.

if this doesn't bring me down i will re-institute 500 cals or less days where i have two medifast bars (210 together) and a 270 cal(dressing included in that figure) salad.

if that doesn't work i will start a fruit and veggie fast until it goes down.

how on earth can i eat 1012 cals at 275 lbs and GAIN WEIGHT?!? wtf. i hope, to whatever god you wish, that this works, because i have enough stress already over other things in my life.


if this continues i'm not sure what i'll do...


day 19: weigh in: 276.2
day 18: weigh in: 275.6 cals 1012
day 17: weigh in: 275.4 cals: 1129ish
day 16: weigh in: 276.2 cals: 1200
day 15: weigh in: 277.6 cals: 1032
day 14: weigh in: 277.3 cals: 1192
day 13: weigh in: 278.2 cals: 1200

wish me luck...plz?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

day 12

yesterday worked out beautifully. i was a little hungry at around 10 pm but i ignored it and went to bed even though the bf and i are fighting. we had a blow out fight a few days ago and it hasn't seemed to go down yet. i dunno what to about focus on my diet? excellent choice. i thought so. it seems 1200 calories is a really good cal content for me at the moment. totally enough to fill me up and keep me satisfied, while low enough to create some real damage on the scale. my weigh in made me happy this morning so i'll go with it; however, to be fair, i think at this weight anything lower than 3,000 will be rewarded.

yippeee :)

day 12: weigh in: 279.5 cals: 1196

i'm hoping 4 calories don't make a difference. i poured a little more egg but i ended up throwing out some of it so the numbers are bit soft. i think if i go under or over 50 cals a day it won't make a difference..but who am i to say?

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

days 7-11

so i'm currently in the process of trying to eat almost exactly 1200 cal a day. it means i need to eat carbs to fulfil the calories, though i've been over doing it. (thankfully i found that "45 cal and delicious" sandra lee wheat bread.) it also means that my cal content should be just high enough to keep my metabolism going whilst staying lower than my body needs for maintaining my weight.

when i get lower i may re-evaluate, but according to the calorie calculator provided by pretty wreck, 1200 calories is the correct amount to maintain 88 lbs. that's way lower than i wish to be, so it should work out even if it takes longer than binge dieting.

also, hopefully the slower rate will reduce on how much baggy skin i have after all this. [i know i'm doomed because i let myself get all the fucking way to 317. seriously, what was in my head? (i always promised myself i would NEVER see 300 and if i did id fast until i was safely away from it, but oh well it's gone now and i can't conceive of it coming back.)]

anyhow... 1200 cals is my goal and of course stay away from random nastiness like cheeeeeessseburgers, oddly without them i'm mostly vegetarian...ok ok, enough random drivel. here's the stats:

day 11 weight: 280.0 cals: 1200
day 10 weight: 281.0 cals: 1355
day 9 weight: 282.0 cals: 1580
day 8 weight: 283.6 cals: 1250
day 7 weight: 284.6 cals: 737