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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

hell and back [34-38]

i need to be kick ass like her-->
[more explained later]

ok, i'm going to talk about the diet first, then detail the events that have occurred since we last spoke...

day 34

weigh in: 266.5

cheese 160

cherrios 200

kielbasa 270

total calorie content 630

day 35

weigh in: 265.4

cheese 400

then i left mid day for so cal...

day 36-binge
day 37-binge

i came back mid day 38

once i got home i had thing of rice [400]

day 39

weigh in: 267.9

i'm supposed to have a pudding and some cherrios for breakfast, and the same for lunch. i should eat, i feel my body telling me to eat, but i don't want to...i should really force down one of the two so i don't collapse later...

i found while on my binge days that the binge foods weren't even that good. honestly, my favorite binge was just having more than id usually eat of chicken kielbasa. in light of this, i think for the time being at least i'm going to try and have around 800 cal days, 200 or less for breakfast, 200 or less for lunch, and 400 or less for dinner. i can have a larger portion of kielbasa or maybe rice, which i've been hiding from for fear of weight gain. it occurs to me, that if i get to eat a filling dinner, that i don't really care much about the rest. it was kinda sad actually, id order all this food bc i wanted to try all the things i had been craving, and then id end up eating half or less of the food that i bought....i'm weird.

[end of diet related information ur welcome to not look any further i apologize right now, because it's going to be so unorganized.]

quick note about the weekend:

it was amazing. i loved it, i met a really cute guy i like, and i think likes me. unfortunately he lives 5 and a half hours away...anyway here's the important stuff...

cliff notes version:

bf=emotionally/financially/and a little physically abusive

all of this means...

going to break up and move out in less than a week

okay so, how to give u background information without making you all want to die from the length of my post...

well, things have been going poorly for ages, i'm not happy, he doesn't treat me right, hes been dependent on me since before we even got together officially.

i'm sick of it.

the last time we fought he threw me down on the bed to quote "prevent me from leaving" when i was packing a bag to spend the night elsewhere.

it hurt.

he's thrown a water bottle at me before while we fought but never actually put his hands on me.

i don't know how, but he got me to stay.

i tell him two weeks later i want my own apartment. [i'm secretly thinking of breaking up once i'm out] but he convinces me to give him a month to clean up his act.

he actually does, hes doing really well, but i can't seem to let go of the past. i hate it when he touches me or tries to kiss me. i'm just emotionally cut off from him. everything i do, i only do to keep from upsetting him, not because i actually want him to touch me.

--------- a little back tracking to make sense of the present ---------

stupidly, awhile back, when i was convinced i was going to marry him, i gave him/let him take obscene pictures of me. since things were going so horribly and i hated the pictures to begin with, i asked him to get rid of them. he puts up a little bit of a fight but agrees.

a week ago he says he's gotten rid of the cds with the photos on them, that he burned them and threw them out.

i ask him, did u really do it? he says yes. i ask him again, did he do it? bc i'll dump him if i find out he lied. he looks me dead in the eyes and swears to me he got rid of them.

--------- present ---------

i know he keeps some less offensive pictures of me on a flash stick, and i know where he keeps it. [not that he knows i know] i decided when i got home from so cal to look them over to see if there were any on there i'd die if they were leaked on the net, to see how much of a fuss i should put over them.

the flash stick's gone

i poke around in his closet, guess what i find?


ain't guys great?

that's just the final straw, there's so much more.

i called my friend and met up with him and we had some really awful sex on his boat. [i needed a way to hurt my bf even if i never told him, just because i felt so hurt and out of control. hate me if u will.] -edited to add note- *note after he pushed me we broke up for about 5 min before he begged me back and as part of the agreement he said i could have a one night stand.. so i didnt *technically* cheat.. dunno if it counts.

today, i'm looking up apartments. i hope to sign a new lease before monday [my first day off without him home] and move the important stuff then.

i'm terrified to go. i'm terrified to stay.

for now, i'm playing the role of girlfriend while hating him inside.

i can't believe he'd go this low.

apparently i was wrong.

1 comment:

  1. You mare making the right decision to get the hell out of there! He sounds like a total cunt.

    I've learned from experience that people don't change easily, if they do change at all. My ex lived in utter squalor before moving in withe me. I mean doing the dishes once a month, never emptying the bin decomposing food on the floor kind of squalor. He said he'd change and start tidying when we moved in together. (Can you guess what happened? I ended up doing EVERYTHING on top of work and full-time study)

    Move out, get your own place and dump his worthless ass. ESPECIALLY if he is escalating the physical violence. You're too special to become another Domestic Abuse Statistic!

    Sending you love and strength to do what you need to, for yourself <3