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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

still fucking gaining weight [33]

how on earth am i still gaining weight? i was afraid upping my calorie intake would do this. i was really hoping that even after my two day binge weekend, id come home and still be under 270, now there's little to no hope of that since i keep FUCKING gaining.

oie, i know i haven't been fantabulous, but hell, under 700 isn't THAT bad, is it?

here's what i ate:

day 33

weigh in: 266.1

breakfast:
1 slice cheese 50
1 pudding cup 60

lunch:
cherrios 200

dinner:
chicken kielbasa 360

total calories consumed: 670

day 34

weigh in: 266.5

maybe i ate too late, i dunno. i plan to have virtually the same diet tonight but less dinner since most of the package is gone. so fucking tasty though..blah..

failure.

on to non diet subjects [if you don't care you can stop reading i'm not going to be mentioning anything about my diet from here down]

so, things with the bf are fucked.

i feel strangled by the situation, i know he's trying to do better, but i don't feel much different than i did before.

i really want to move out.

i almost want to break up.

i feel so tethered down by him because he's so dependant on me, financially and emotionally. it's just making me sick.

we had a little bit of a tift last night, i went out for two hours and then we hanged out and watched an episode of batman beyond [yes we're dorks] then he went out and we fought over that. i dunno it was really late an i hate sleeping without at least him there or the chain on the door. whatever, he got his way.

i woke up this morning to find a rose on my night stand that he had picked somewhere on his trip out.

i really dunno how i feel or what i want.

i don't want to loose him but i just HATE having both our names on a lease.

i want to be independent so badly and i've told him this. i've never supported just myself before. before we got together i was living off an allowance my parents gave me, now i go halves with the bf. i just wanna do it on my own. i can totally afford to.

blah.

more details if anyone asks, i get i'm all rambley and incoherent at this point.

sorry.

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