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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

mind-fuck movies and a boy i can't have [68]

day 68

weigh in: 256.2

cheese and broccoli 450

day 69
[snicker]

weigh in: 254.6

trying to do another round of what i did yesterday.
so far, so good.

i may even fast tomorrow now that i have the day off.. but me and fasts don't usually work out.

its better to restrict well than to fast poorly.. right?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
more flirting with boys that are not of interest. even the ridiculously hot ones are just kind of.. blah. there is even one that's educated.. maybe there's promise there.. if he'd say something interesting... education really means nothing huh?

the friend i had a drink with after ted? ...and am not aloud to have a crush on...but am failing a little.... [i should really give him a name since i talk to him... every day... and have for awhile now, but i can't think of an appropriate one.. lets go with will?]

so, will! yes! will... he doesn't have a college education, but he has a really high paying job, even a house, that he doesn't live in. not to mention he's the most intelligent, funny, snarky guy i've met in a very long time... he could run circles around half the people i went to college with. clearly, a college education means [next to] nothing.

anyhow, while we were having drinks we talked about mind-fuck movies, because it's something we both enjoy. [we don't have a whole lot in common, which is why he's not into me.. aside from the fact i'm a fat cow! ..not that he'd say that.. i hope]

anyhow, mind-fuck movies. i like them a lot but i haven't see that many of them.

he recommends like 80 thousand movies for me to see. last night i rented the top two.

the first was "following" which was both beautiful and interesting, but very simple and easy to understand and [forgive the pun] follow.

the second, "primer" however... i'm still mind-fucked a little, or realistically, a lot.

he wasn't kidding when he said i'd have to watch it 3 times before i began to understand it. i'm planning to watch it again tonight... possibly even take notes.. i'm a dork i know.

in any event all throughout primer, i was texting him asking questions... and afterward he asked me to call him.. graaaahhh i shouldn't talk to him on the phone if i'm trying NOT to form a crush on him.. but how can u refuse when a smart sexy guy asks you to call? tehe

i'm convinced i'm actually not as into him, as i think i am. [i get that line made no sense, let me explain]

i think i'm just crushing on him because hes really attractive and he's exactly my kind of intelligent snark.

while talking to rachel via text last night, i came to the conclusion that.. yeah i wanna kiss him.. fuck his brains out and all those fun things.. but i have little to no desire to date the guy. i mean if he asked me out, i'd say yes cause he's really cool... but honestly, i'd much rather have him as a friend long term, than a few dates and then nothing.

plus he knows me too well, and is amused by my overly horniness.

for example, i asked him the other day:

you know what depresses the fuck out of me?

will: dead puppies?
robin: no
will: sick puppies?
robin: no
will: dead batteries?

at that point i died of laughter.

i was going to say that:
the fact that i don't even put my dildo away anymore after i wash it depresses the hell out of me. it's just sitting by the bed, waiting for use.

someone who can crack a joke like that, needs to be kept around. even if i have to keep my mitts off him.

side note: does anyone else feel REALLY DIRTY when they wash their sex toys? this is a thought i've had before, but last night while washing my purple friend with warm soapy water.. i felt like i was giving a hand job.. it was so dirty.. i loved it. tehe

okay, enough already...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
m: you are too sweet to me, i am terrible sometimes. there are days where everything in the apartment finds it's way into my mouth, even if it doesn't look tasty. it happens to the best of us. just a matter of stopping yourself sooner than later. one bad day doesn't change everything, unless you let it.

liz: thank you lovie. don't worry about ted, i haven't even texted him since the event. i've been removing myself a lot from the sexual things he says to me. he invited me to watch him go train [it's a Ds thing] two women yesterday. i declined hard core. i think he's getting the message that i want him to be my mentor, not my lover. don't worry, darling!

be kind for everyone you know is fighting a battle: yeah.. i know that inevitably every guy i approach is doomed at this point. i hate to admit it, but i know it to be true... it's just my needs are so intense it's hard to not look, you know?

peridot: yay for whiskey! tehe ..yeah i know about guys being sleazy.. especially at bars.
---
yay.. story time:

once while bar hopping with a friend, her sister, and her sister's gf... we went into a place, that carded us a the door.

for the record, when i go drinking or clubbing i try not to bring a purse because it's irritating so most of my things, including my id end up in my bra.

so, i fish my id out from my cleavage and hand it to the guy. in the sleaziest possible manner, he asks if he can put it back for me. i smile uncomfortably and decline the offer.

since the place was kind of lame we left after one drink. my friend had a slice of orange on her drink and i heart drink garnishes and asked if i could have it, since she was leaving it. she doesn't care so i stay an additional 10 seconds or so, while the remainder of the group walked out.

as i was heading for the exit, the same sleazy door man literally steps in front of the door blocking my way out and says to me: no, stay, your friends are still here.

seriously? that was supposed to work?

yeah that's my sleaziest guy at a bar story, but i think it's twice as gross since the guy was paid to be there, shouldn't he have been professional???

blah.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

690 cals means weight gain..blah [67]

day 67

weigh in: 255.3

rice 400
cheese and broccoli 290

day 68

weigh in: 256.2

brought cheese and broccoli for breakfast and lunch. hopefully one for dinner will cut it...

i should really just stop eating all together..

it gets me no where.
----------------------------------------
not a whole lot to report, i'm sorry to say.

a friend coerced me, with flirting, to join an online dating site. i've met two guys thus far from it, but they're not really anyone i'd go on a date with.

still, i think i ought to give it a real try. i'll be filling out my profile after i finish on here.
---
i'm in a weird head space right now.

i'm sorry to be painfully dull.
---
i feel like i failed you guys, i gained almost a full pound and i didn't flirt with boys.. what is the world coming to?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
peridot:it was a shot of jameson. i just sort of rounded. usually alcohol doesn't seem to count if it's consumed in a bar because i hate to sit down as i am usually just too twitchy.

liz: you're welcome lovely, you know i'm always here.

to both of you, and everyone
: i'm still talking to ted. [though i will NEVER meet up with him again] he's a lot older and experienced and sometimes i need the perspective of someone who's been there.

plus being able to say i'm a fat cow and get compliments back.... helps sometimes when i hate myself.

don't hate me too much?

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

what were you thinking?!??? [66]

day 66

weigh in: 255.5

cantaloupe 70
rice 400
broccoli and cheese 150
shot of whiskey 140?

day 67

weigh in: 255.3

i need a new scale i had to climb on and off the scale like 8 times with weights to get this number. first it sad 255.5, then 255.1 then 255.3 and 255.3 again so i went with it. i'm willing to put down some decent money if it's a quality piece.. anyone have any good suggestions?

i split the rice packet in two and am having it for breakfast and lunch, as it was really too much for one meal..but once i have an open packet i feel the need to finish it. i'm about half way through my 1/2 section and i'm feeling mostly full. which is awesome.

mmm... broccoli and cheese for dinner...

god i could eat that shit all day every day. i probably should. if i had one for breakfast lunch and dinner i'd only be consuming 450 cals.. that's really not so bad... it'd be 100 cals less than i'll consume today... hmm..

perhaps new diet plan coated in cheese?

in the words of a true food addict:
awwwwwesome.
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omg.. liz knows some of this, cause i texted her while it was happening.. but oh dear christ, was last night bad. [it ended well don't worry!]

so.. more chats to ted, if you recall from previous posts, he's 55.

i have really been too forward with him.

he convinces me to have coffee [tea in my case] at the same starbucks with him and text from across the room because i'm too chicken shit to actually talk to him.

so i drive there, and i catch a glimpse of him as i pull in.. i already know, just by his posture, i don't want to do this. [i don't know if this is just me, but i can just see how someone moves and get a sense of them.. maybe i'm insane, maybe i just notice body movement because i'm an artist.. who knows]

so i text him while still in my car, and i can see him in my rear view mirror.

apparently he's spotted me... great.. he asks if he should come over, i tell him, no, please stay where you are...

we text from about 20 feet away and he gets up to go to the bathroom. [totally a ploy, i knew it, but you can't tell someone not to use the bathroom.. that's just mean, what if he actually had to go?] when he gets back he circles around my car and climbs inside.

my heart is beating out of my chest at this point. i can't even look him in the eyes i'm so mortified. he puts a hand on my arm and that's it. i shrink away immediately and he asks if i want him to get out of the car..i say yes, he half gets out, then decides no, he should try again. i ask him to leave and eventually he does.

we texts from the insides of our cars for another 10-15 min while i frantically texts liz and two guy friends... [i apologize if i made no sense.. i was seriously twitching from adrenaline at that point]

he asks to take me to dinner. i say to him, seriously? you want to take the chick with an ED to dinner? he suggests a diet coke, i say no, he suggests a cherry [wtf??] i say no, he eventually bows out and drives off...

i'm still so skeeved out i can't go home. so i ask my guy friends to get a drink with me, i eventually convince the one to come out with me and let me buy him a drink... just because i can't go home without some liquor in me..and preferably some mental images that don't involve ted. [the friend i met up with informed me later he intended to not let me pay, cause he's a dork like that, but he forgot his wallet and was most of the way to the bar when he realized]

unfortunately i had to wait about an hour before he would be around. s'all good, i just didn't want to go home.

i drove around with the radio blasting. ted texts me while im driving.. and continues to hit on me...

seriously?

did you really think that went well?

he informs me he could see up my skirt while approaching the car... great.. flashing old men..."nice pussy, clean shaven, lovely folds" egads, why don't i wear underwear?? [because they cut into me in an unflattering way.. and i was under the impression i didn't FLASH PEOPLE] he went on and on...

i suggest we "be friends", he asks if i'm ok with having a friend that wants to fuck me. i inform him i have several... which is true lol.

he tells me that next time we meet he'll get me drunk so i'll be pliable and do the things we talked about... i inform him that's textbook rape.. he doesn't seem phased.. [admittedly we did talk about consensual rape.. cause well i think being forced is hot.. [so long as u actually want the guy before hand!!!!]]

dear christ.. that was awful.

so eventually i meet up with my friend, which was great. he is the only guy i've met off cl that didn't try to fuck me... though i kinda wish he would.. tehe. i had a crush on him when i first started talking to him.. that is... [mostly] gone.

he hugged me upon meeting and when we said goodbye which was nice to get physical contact that didn't make my skin crawl. we talk for awhile about music, films, his date he had with a chick over the weekend.. and my TERRIBLE night... it was really nice, i drove him home [like 4 blocks away] and then went home myself.. thinking of how cute he was.

i am so not aloud to form another crush on that boy.


he's been very sweet and understanding in my time of complete insanity post-break up.

anyhow.. that was my night.. i may be scarred for life..

i think i need a few dates to get the bad taste out of my mouth..
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
liz: i already responded to you via text but i thought i should write you anyway. i'm glad u like my sex posts.. they are usually what haunts my mind.. aside from my HUGE ASS...anyhow.. love! [i'll send that diet plan to you now]
---
peridot: bouncers are so my thing.. i was once protected by one from an insanely skeezy guy.. the bouncer could have had me right there if he'd wanted to, i would have loved it.

motorcycle would work too.. i just wanna go really fast and hear the revving of an engine. mm..

Monday, July 26, 2010

red lipstick makes me feel wild [63-65]

..let's do the easy part first.

day 63

weigh in: 259.5

turkey 225
cantaloupe 70

day 64

weigh in: 257.1

[at a restaurant]
small piece of chicken 100?
sauteed mushrooms/tomatoes 40?
raw tomato slices 20?
salad 30?
tiny bit of dressing 30?

broccoli and cheese packet 150

omg liz, thank you for introducing me to these!!!

day 65

weigh in: 255.5

2 broccoli and cheese packets 300
rice 400

day 66

weigh in: 255.5

i had 70 cals of cantaloupe for breakfast.. i feel like puking now because it hurts a little... how come whenever i eat more than a tiny amount i feel like puking? i should be pleased with that..right? maybe the fruit is just too heavy. i was fine with the broccoli and cheese packets and they're roughly the same volume. who knows. embrace your strangeness right?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
so most of the events happened yesterday, as that was the day i spent up in the city.

i've been talking to ted at length.. all day every day. he's totally attached to me at this point, even though he lies and says he isn't.

i am growing to like him too, i even left some dirty voicemail on his phone. tehe

i could potentially be with him and feel safe, but have my needs met. there is one problem though. he kind of danced around how girthy he is, telling me, he didn't know... basically he's now saying that he's close to 2 inches in diameter...

holy fuck balls. that is much too much cock... dunno if that's feasible.. if i plan to have sex with anyone else again. lol... here i thought i was spoiled on one and a half inches.... oh my..
---
ok so.. events of yesterday.

i started by dying my hair dark red and putting on some of my favorite red lipstick.

after that, i drove up to the city to meet with a friend.

i asked her to go on a walk, so we went to campus and walked around... made me rather sentimental. as we were walking i noticed two security guys in a golf cart... of course i look.. security guys are hot! all that...pent up need for authority and being told i'm naughty and such...

tehe.. i realize security people and cops are probably sick to death of their lovers wanting to be disciplined... but i still can't get it out of my head. so delicious!

anyhow..
i look..
they look...
they continue to look..
still looking..
i wave.

about two minutes later we had security guys talking to us :D

nothing came of it, but it was nice to flirt.

after our walk we had coffee.. or tea in my case. after that, a drive down the coast.. which was so delicious. she loves to drive fast and a lil recklessly and i love being in the car with her while she drives.

what is it about an accelerating engine that is just so sexual?

god, i'd love to date a guy with a muscle car.. that'd get me so hot riding in the passenger seat with him driving.... maybe he'd even fuck me in the back seat.. mm...

anyhow.... [removing head from gutter..briefly] after the drive we went to see the sorcerer's apprentice. actually a really cute movie. [i like geeky guys, so there's always that but it was really funny and adorable too] anyone else think the main actor's voice sounds exactly like christian slater? am i crazy? who knows.
---
throughout the day ted had been texting me... A LOT... like i looked at my phone once to find 14 messages waiting for me... not obsessed? yeah, BULLSHIT!

we talked when i got home and after he went to bed i sent him his first picture of me, as i had remained hidden till then.

guess what my first email from him this morning included?

two drawings of me, he did based on the picture....

anyone else think that's a little psycho?

i guess it's supposed to be romantic.. but i think it's a lil weird.

who knows at this point? if he doesn't settle down i probably wont be able to meet him for the hot sticky sex that could be had. oh well, we'll see.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
rachel: i don't know if it's so much negative cals or my body being insane... whatever, i'm going down and that's all that matters.
---
peridot: meat-tagged? oh my... well i guess it's true.. never before have i noticed so many eyes on me. i guess the repressed sexual aggression of 3 years is just oozing out of me at this point and the men can... smell it?
---
liz: it is nice for him to know. when i feel sick in the middle of the day i can tell him and he doesn't judge.. which is so weird.. i never thought i could tell a guy and not have him see me as insane.

i am always here for you, you know that! if ever you need advice on something i can help you with, i'm totally here... even if you want me to talk you through a session ;)
---
to all my lovlies: i am always here for you. if ever you need someone, please leave a message, i will hold your hand through it, and remind you it will get better. swears.

Friday, July 23, 2010

outing myself to someone mostly harmless [62]

i'm still depressed.

in other news:
of course, when i ate more, my weight went down..i'm officially crazy..but whatever.

day 62

weigh in: 260.4

turkey sandwiches 390
eggs 280?
tomato slices 20?
fruit salad 180?
turkey 275

instead of ordering off the standard options i had a side order of scrambled eggs and a bowl of fruit. worked out well.

day 63

weigh in: 259.5

i brought cantaloupe and turkey to work for breakfast/lunch. i don't feel like eating. maybe i'll get away with no breakfast. that'd be nice.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
at lunch yesterday, i swear, four men were staring at me... i don't know what to do with that.

have i totally lost it?

i'm not attractive enough to receive that kind of attention, but i'd like to think i'm not so ugly as to receive the "freak show" stare...

yay, another layer of psychosis
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i almost outed myself by accident yesterday.

the comp at work crashed and wouldn't reload so i couldn't clear my browser history... i probably shouldn't be back on here..but i'm addicted now.. great. maybe i'll just have to submit and buy that laptop i wanted before i'm really ready to...

u know, i have no idea how much money i have in my account... maybe i can afford it. who knows?

thankfully i convinced the comp that it wanted to do what i told it to so i could wipe the history.

then i decided to actually out myself.

remember the 55 year old i mentioned before? let's call him ted. he actually gets a name because he might hang around long enough to warrant one. he and i have been talking at length, and though i do enjoy his company..and i flirt with him more than i probably should, i have no actual interest in him romantically.

we talked about secrets and power and self destructiveness..eventually i just told him, because he already knew too much.

he confessed to me that he was apart of the same organization my mother was [FA, basically AA for food] i guess we're all a little messed up in the head.

he's been very sweet to me, and i feel he could be someone that could really offer me things i need as person, but i'm so not ready to go down that path with anyone..especially a 55 year old man.

i dunno, nice to have him around.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i emailed the carpenter shortly after i got home yesterday.

no word yet, i don't expect any.
---
a friend of mine said he'd make a cl posting and screen the guys for me... i think he was kidding... think..
---
i still hold true that i need to take a step back from guys.

i found myself falling for my "old flame" of previous postings. we've talked about him coming down here to visit me..and fuck my brains out.

i told him yesterday:

you should never come here.
i'd fall in love with you.


he seemed to think it wasn't such a bad idea. great, strung out on another boy.

why can't i just be friends with men? why must i constantly push the envelope?

part of me thinks that if they respond favorably it means that i'm worthy. part of me knows that thought is crazy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
peridot: thank you darling. it means a lot to know someone who hears the things inside my head, still thinks i'm something to be greatly missed.

lina
: it's not sad when i asked you to do it. it's sad that i couldn't get anyone to like me enough to respond... that's sad.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

pity party of 1 [61]

i assure you, nothing in this post will be of interest.

it will be excessively bitchy, and you are more than welcome not to read.

you will most likely loose all respect for me if u do continue.

the only things you need to know are the following:
*i gained more than 2 lbs even though my calorie content went down
* boys suck

day 61

weigh in: 258.2

cheese & bread 230
stale cherrios and blueberries 185 [i didn't eat the whole thing i brought]
turkey and bread 450

almost 200 cals less than the day before.

day 62

weigh in: 260.4

i'm not going to keep to the diet plan i worked out yesterday. i want to be much more melodramatic than that.

i brought turkey and bread for breakfast[390], and i'm being forced to go to lunch where everything is served with potatoes. im going to gain weight, i know it.

part of me thinks there's something wrong with my scale. i've had to increasingly get on with weights and then on without anything to see a repeated number... maybe it's a dieters "safety" that if it detects someone a few oz different coming on shortly after the last time it gives u the same number so u don't freak out over oz's. [u can tell i'm crazy because i'm convinced my scale lies to me] i don't know what the deal is. i don't know if i'm just that much of a fat cow and that's the issue... that's probably the issue. the scale is too new to be fucked up already, even though the ex did kick it a few times.

i don't know, i almost don't care.


i wanted to go into the city this weekend to see a movie in an indie theatre up there, but im beginning to think i need to stay home and fast. i don't know, my head is obviously not right at the moment...so we'll check back in later.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
boys...sigh boys...

so perhaps the carpenter doesn't like me. i figured after the conversation we had, he did, but i guess i was wrong. why would anyone spend 3 and a half hours with someone they didn't like? [without the promise of sex]

i don't know, perhaps i'm crazy.
perhaps he was busy.
perhaps his phone died and he didn't receive my texts.
perhaps i should have listened when he said he didn't like to send texts.

in reality, however:
yet another guy i allowed myself to form a crush on,
doesn't deem me worthy of his company.


i knew it was too early for this.

how can i date guys and convince them to like me, when i don't like me?

let me preface my next statement with this: i am not going to throw away the guys i have now, if for some reason they still want to talk to me, ill respond. i'll even send the carpenter an e-mail today in an attempt to get a response. i'm also not going to reprimand a new guy for approaching me.

i am however, not going to approach new men.

i need to wait this out, i need to be smaller before i can attempt to be desirable.

maybe in a few months, when i'm hopefully a size 16, ill flirt with new boys.

i'm not doing it now, it feels so... counter productive.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i'm cutting off the nominees for the blogger addict award. i know i'm supposed to have five, but if no one responds...well no one responds.

it only adds to my current thought process.
---
liz: thank you for sharing a secret, even in all this, it makes me feel special.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

blogger addict award

the rules are:
five things you love,
five things you hate,
and five blogger addicts.

















love:
1.long breathless kisses
2.san francisco fog
3.the pale green tear drop of glass
hanging from my rear view mirror
4.lavender
5.red lipstick

hate:

1.being self concious
2.needing 8 keys on my keyring
3.people who take advantage of other people
that don't block intersections when there's traffic.
4.living at least 2 hours away from the people i love
5.people that use my things without asking

blogger addicts:

well, i feel like most people
already have this award
[minus me]

so now comes a test of true blogger addiction:
those who first respond to this posting will be my nominees,
as u clearly are so addicted, that u check my blog regularly..

1.liz-even though she nominated me, she rocks my socks off!
2.lina

that's it, no more.

more men u say? bring em on [60]

well yesterday seems to have undone the day before. which is good, i suppose.

day 60

weigh in: 258.8

pb&j 300
cherrios 180
blueberries 70
kielbasa 315
cheese&bread 185

day 61

weigh in: 258.2

i brought the last of the cheese and bread for breakfast [230] and cherrios [aprox 110] and a crap ton of blueberries [aprox 100] for lunch.

i've decided to attempt to implement a new diet plan for the remainder of the week.

basically it comes down to negative calories, as much as i want. [within reason i mean..not a whole fucking watermelon for breakfast]

i will be allowed a small portion of protein with lunch so it doesn't look weird at work. also possibly looking into the broccoli and cheese trays liz keeps mentioning..they look yum, but again only at lunch.

only non-negative calories will be counted, but i must stay under 200 cals a day.

[this plan is void on the weekend when i'm around my mom all day..cause that's begging for trouble but i'll still try to be good]

i know it's super unrealistic, but it is my wish to be 250 by the weekend. i really want to wear my size 20 jeans. [i can currently get in them and zip them up and everything but they're soo unflattering muffin top and all]

i think i can keep to this, its only 2 days...maybe i can put off seeing my mom this weekend, i need more time, 2 days is not enough to loose 8 lbs... who knows, wish me luck.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
alright, it's time for our daily allotted boy talk.. yay!!
[perhaps it's man talk today?]

anyhow, i received a whole new set of boys to play with, but became bored with most of them in the few hours i was at work.

the carpenter remains in the running, [more details later] and there is an older lecherous gentleman i'm thinking about...when i say older i mean more than twice my age.

i'm not really sure how i feel about him, i spent a good deal of the day flirting wit him, but i am a little skeeved out that he is 55. [which i didn't know until hours later, though i figured he was in at least his 40's based on his career] dunno, there is the "daddy" factor which is creepy, but he would be skilled..which would be a nice improvement. i talked to him on the phone for an hour as he drove home, it ended with my uncomfortable giggles as he asked for lurid pictures of me...should i give this guy a chance? dunno yet. [probably not, since i like the carpenter! tehe]

during the 55 year old's phone call i received an e-mail from the carpenter, i wrote back immediately hoping to keep his attention, as he usually sends me an email every couple of hours. he didn't respond, so i waited till i got off the phone with the 55 year old to send him a longer one explaining all the questions he had asked me.

not much later i received a phone call, who was it you ask? the carpenter!
[i love that an exclamation point usually follows his title...i think its funny]

we talked for 3 and a half hours.

we had the oddest conversation dynamic [for me]... little to no overt flirting. i'm so used to guys making totally obvious attempts at my pants, i wasn't really sure what to do with it.

he's sweet, and charming, and very odd, all things i love in a man.. he even seems to like me..but still.. no blatant attempt to fuck my brains out??

i'm disappointed and thrilled at the same time.

he told me in an email ages ago, when i complimented him on not telling me a perverse secret, that he believes in getting to know someone before he tries to throw his "junk" at them. perhaps this is what's going on. i mean, we talked about sex, and relationships and things like that, and he did a double take and sounded much too excited when i off-handedly mentioned i was naked. [he called me as i was preparing for a shower..though i do spend much of my time naked at home. why not, right?] maybe i'm just reading too much into this, i guess time will tell, perhaps i'll get another call from him tonight.

he's most of the reason why i want to be a size 20 by the weekend, hes so skinny..could he have missed the "bbw" comment in my posting? i must be skinnnnnnyyyyy [not that a size 20 is skinny..but it's an improvement]

lol, well i suppose it's back to the grind of entertaining lots of random men. i just received a text from one of the guys from yesterday, not even worthy of a title yet, and an email from the 55 year old. so many men to juggle, so little time.... tehe
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yay for those of you who shared a secret, you are my favorites.

the rest of you....clearly don't love me enough...*over dramatic sniffle*

lina
: i understand ur sentiment..somewhat. as you may know, the ex was into "big girls". i was so afraid for the longest time that being "normal" would make him not want me anymore, but i decided for myself that i love me more than him and i want to do what will make me feel good.

don't worry about being "too skinny" in terms of attractiveness, there is a fetish for everything, my dear. i swear to you, there's even a rule for it. rule 34 :D
---
page: i kind of understand where ur coming from too. when i was younger, while i was first dating boys, i didn't really know what to do with chivalry. i insisted on buying my own ticket at movies, and my bf and i would run at doors to see who could open one up first...

i've come to the conclusion that if a guy wants to buy me dinner, let him. if he wants to open my door, smile sweetly and say thank you. i fear it's all a balancing act when it comes to someone new, u kind of have to play the game of walking slightly behind him so if he wants to open a door he has the opportunity, or letting him go first in line at the theatres to see if he buys 1 or 2 tickets. guys are confusing, and every one's different... but to be fair, we confuse the fuck outta them too. tehe

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

facebook cock block

guess what i just logged into facebook to find out?

the friend i had sex with two weeks ago? he now has a gf...

right..so.. guess that makeout session i was thinking of us having is out..

oh dear. good thing i went out with another friend on sunday instead of him.

that woulda been awkward.

i failed..as predicted [56-59]

that girl would never actually eat that doughnut... right?

i don't even want to tell you what i ate, suffice to say i went INSANE yesterday and sunday... why you ask? dunno, perhaps because i'm self destructive.

ill give u my weights for the weekend, because i'm too ashamed to admit to the food i ate...

it was all food that i "allow" just in reaaallly bad portions..sorry my lovlies.

56 - 259.3
57 - 258.6
58 - 258.4
59 - 258.2
60 - 258.8

i'm surprised i didn't gain more after yesterday's binge, but i'll take it.

i've been so wrapped up in myself i haven't been thinking about the consequences.

ever want to plaster your walls with naughty photographs of gorgeous women? i do, but i think it would send the wrong message to potential fuck partners... tehe. i did buy one of marylin monroe that's huge..that should help. dunno.

i think i need to get over my fear of "calories." i came to kind of a weird conclusion the other day. i would rather eat 100 calories of the most HORRIBLE imaginable thing possible than eat 200 of negative calories. seriously, i microwave my kielbasa on a plate that curves so the fat can seep to the middle and i can scoop the meat off the edges...

WHY AM I EATING SOMETHING THAT FAT SEEPS OFF OF???

because i'm afraid to waste calories.

i spend all my calories on meat products or grains because they give me more energy. i'm afraid to eat fruits and vegetables because they make me jittery in the small amounts i can eat.

isn't it better to have more calories if they're negative ones?

i don't know. i think i'm going to the store to load up. hell if they're negative i shouldn't feel guilty.

...right?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the ex is gone. he left the state officially mid day saturday, but he left my life on friday night. he didn't kiss me goodbye, which kind of surprised me. i expected him to press me up against the rental car and give me a long goodbye kiss. i asked him about it after he left, and he said he wanted to, but thought i'd react poorly... life favors the bold i suppose.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
boys are tricky.

so the obsession is gone, as i kind of expected. this is why i didn't want to name him...too many names confuses me when i read other people's blogs..so i'm trying to wait for someone i at least have a physical encounter with. tehe

there have been many men since then... i go through men really quickly huh? i just get bored. they ither are my intellectual senior and i can't keep them occupied or they're so dull i just want to beat their heads in to make them stop talking.

still.. there are cute ones.

of the 20 or so i actually talked to, i'm still speaking with interest to one... maybe 1-2 more, but i'm not really all that invested in them.

the one remaining of interest is a carpenter... i'm not really sure what that means for him personally yet, but i love a man that works with his hands...its so sexual. [i know, i'm a helpless perv]

prolly most of the reason i'm intrigued is i've only spent about 3 emails with him thus far...though he does have promise.

as an icebreaker, and a way to see if he's at all imaginative, i say to a new man, "tell me a secret." if he rises to the occasion with something thought provoking or bizarre, i give him more time, if he says something like "i love to go down on women" [which i've heard twice in recent memory] i usually make an about face.

what did the carpenter say, you ask? he told me he was cheesy and believed in chivalry and all the little details that go with it...

admittedly, it wasn't the most interesting secret ive received, but my god it wasn't a blatant attempt to impress me with his sexual prowess, which obviously if ur trying that hard..you have none. [this coming from the woman who is completely useless in the bedroom.]

anyhow, he seems really cool and sweet. [he's also insanely hot, but that doesn't matter so much to me, so long as he's not insanely ugly] i gave him my number yesterday, don't know if anything will come of it, i'd like it to though.

on a random note:

whenever i post on craigslist, i include the term "bbw" [big beautiful women for those too skinny to ever need use of the phrase] but i can't wrap my head around the fact that REALLY attractive guys respond. why would anyone that cute want someone who's fat and ugly? i get that it's a fetish...but i SO don't understand it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
for the record, my friend from the previous post doesn't know i have an ed, i've hinted at it but never actually said anything to him. he'd be even more angry with me.

liz
: i didn't get laid, not even phone sex, don't feel jealous, lovie.

lina
: thank you, u are too cute.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
tell me a secret, i dare you.

Friday, July 16, 2010

i'm crazy

i was talking to a friend today...

i went on and on about how no one wants me because i'm so worthless and ugly.

he went on and on about how i'm stupid and wrong for thinking so.

he's so angry with me for being this way, all i could say to him was:


ur so angry, and it just makes me smile that u care enough to be angry

does that not show u how messed up i am?



seriously, doesn't it?

talked to an old flame [55]

nothing particularly interesting to report.

gained .3 lbs since i actually ate dinner... grr

day 55

weigh in: 259.0

kielbasa 450
mustard 5
cheese 180
peaches 180 [i think they're really more like 270 but online said less...dunno who to trust]

day 56

weigh in: 259.3

ill die if i go back up to 260..but the ex is coming over today for probably the last time ever to pack everything into a moving van and leave the state... if he wants to go get food, ill get food. i'm still sad he's leaving but i don't want to be with him. he leaves me so unsatisfied.. on so many levels.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
so i spoke to a guy yesterday that i hadn't talked to in 5 or so years. it was really weird. we stopped talking because he got a gf and didn't want me anymore. [this was all online or via a phone] so we talk, and he still has the gf, but he informs me that he's allowed to mess around.

blink blink....what??

u've been with this girl for 5+ years AND you ditched me for her..now you want to fuck?? what????

i got over it relatively quickly, and things went back to our casual flirting of years past... we texted for about 4 hours, until his gf got home. he was reved up at that point, so he went to go fuck her brains out.

i guess that is the one good side of allowing ur guy to mess around. he's worked up when u get home. if the ex had fucked my brains out every night when i got home from work, i prolly would have been ok with him flirting around with other girls... shows u how little i know.

i must say, i'm kind of an uncontrollable flirt.

usually when i'm really into a guy i don't give much mind to others, but until i've found one i want to focus my attention on.. well.... slutsville, usa.

little to no talking to "the obsession" last night. i'll come up with a fake name for him if we ever actually meet in person and it goes well.

i had a session with my "purple friend" of previous mentioning, and i told the obsession i was thinking of him. he responded with a "good girl" which to some might be condescending.. i however, found it really fucking hot.. but that's typical me.

that's all the talking i did with him yesterday. i went to bed early, i just was too bored to deal with staying up till the crack of dawn to talk to him. i tried a text at 8pm, but to no avail.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
my goal is to come back on tues and report that i'm 255. i doubt it'll happen, but if i'm alone all day sun and mon i can totally do some fasting... if i'm not alone..perhaps ill be burning calories in other ways. tehe

Thursday, July 15, 2010

i think he wants to use me for sex [54]

which i'm oddly ok with.

i talked to the new obsession last night..or really this morning. [4ish -5ish emails and texting then about 40 min on the phone] he is an enormous flirt, which is exactly what the doctor ordered... or really, just what i wanted...

i'm not really sure what he wants from me. there were certain phrases that suggest this would be a physical relationship and not a "lets go to a movie" kind of thing. i like him, he's a really smart, charming, sexy man, and i could see myself going on some casual dates with him, but for now, emotionless flirting and or naughty trysts are fine with me... assuming i can actually get the guts to let him see me naked... tehe

i really need to get a hold of him earlier in the day i can't keep doing this late night shit regardless of the dirty sexy things he whispers in my ear... snickers [i know it just sounds like a booty call without the actual booty involved, which it is, but he does sleep during the day and stay up all night so that's why so late. hey if he can afford to do it, why not?]

tonight i will attempt to contact him around 8:00 and feel him out. i mean honestly if we are going to meet up it's got to be before 2 when everything's closed. preferably during daylight hours so i have some hope of help if he turns out to be some psychotic killer.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
so, thanks to the new guy i passed out shortly after i got home so i only had some light chocolate soy milk instead of a real dinner. i would totally trade flirting for dinner. yes!

day 54

weigh in: 260.1

cheese 180
kielbasa 180
mustard 5
light chocolate soy milk 135
orange juice 55

day 55

weigh in: 259.0 YESSSSSS

i had some kielbasa around 6 am and i brought more food to work, dunno how much will actually get eaten as i'm not hungry yet. i think soy milk for dinner is an excellent idea. its light it's filling and i'll pee it out before i weigh myself again. dunno if it'll work out as a meal plan long term since i usually eat small amounts at work then eat a larger meal at home..but a girl can dream, right?

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

zomg new boy obsession [53]

i ate and ate and fucking ate...but i still lost. yayyyaay :)

day 53

weigh in 262.6

cheese 360
kielbasa 630
mustard 30?
light chocolate soy milk 180
mango juice 50?

day 54


weigh in: 260.1

oie! so close! had i known i was that close i woulda sewn my mouth shut.

fear not! tomorrow i will report a 250's number, i swear to you. i will eat no more than 810 calories..and possibly less. i willlll loose those .2 lbs. i'm almost tempted to eat nothing..but since i stayed up all night, perhaps my body will rebel against that for needs of fuel.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
okay so, boy talk.

i've been obsessing about my friend's guy that flirted with me [previously mentioned] and two other boys that have no desire to be with me. i don't know why, i guess i'm not ready to be with someone, so i sabotage my desires so that i can't be with anyone.

well, at least for now, the self destructive process is over.

i met yet another guy, i have no idea what he looks like, he has little to no clue what i look like, but dear christ, does that boy turn me on.

his voice sounds so familiar...but i don't know why.

it'd be funny if he was an ex of mine posing as someone new. oh dear.

in any event we stayed up till 4:30 in the morning first emailing, then texting, then talking on the phone for an hour and a half. i have to wake up at 7:00 for work..so that was fun. i overslept and threw things together in less than 10 min and ran out the door. i love that i'm the kind of girl that CAN leave in less than 10 min. i think that's a great trait to have...kinda random i know.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
liz you are are too sweet. i love texting you too, about the weirdest shit :P
rachel omg! did something happen with jason?? why didn't u text me?? you ok?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

stop it

stop obsessing about the boys you can't have.
stop obsessing about the boys you can't have.
stop obsessing about the boys you can't have.
stop obsessing about the boys you can't have.
stop obsessing about the boys you can't have.
stop obsessing about the boys you can't have.
stop obsessing about the boys you can't have.
stop obsessing about the boys you can't have.
stop obsessing about the boys you can't have.
stop obsessing about the boys you can't have.

weird weekend, oddly ok ending [49-52]

ok, so this is an explanation of the weekend... basically it comes down to:
ex, drunken fun,
ex, ex.
---------------------
i thought i'd have to spend the whole weekend with the ex..which i did mostly..but it turned out ok. he wasn't an ass, just an incredible flirt.

he has officially decided to leave the state and move back in with his parents. he leaves saturday, and i'll never see this boy again. kinda sad when u think about it, but if i have to choose my freedom or his company..i choose my freedom.

so, friday was mostly uneventful so i'll leave it out, we spent a couple hours together where we didn't try to kill each other.

saturday i didn't see him at all, and it was the most amazing day.

i went to the city very early to go check out apartments and i fell in love with this lil one that's very close to my old one from when i was in college. it's a lil awful 70's but i can totally live with it. [the most painful thing is the kitchen cabinets are dark brown and the counters are bright yellow...but i guess that's more incentive to stay out of the kitchen tehe] also, after the viewing i was walking back to my car and some guy flirted with me. oie! 20 min back in my city and the boys have called!!! it's so time to move home. lol

anyhow, i was supposed to meet up with a friend after apartments but when i talked to her she said she had wanted to go to the gym so i said it was cool and headed back home.

i ended up spending the remainder of the day with my mom where we did nothing besides watch burn notice..which was nice for a change.

i left her place around 8ish and since i was feeling kind of jazzed in general and skinny too [ironic considering, but whatever] i texted my friend from the morning to ask her to go drinking and she invited me to go to a bar to watch her friends dj..so i said hells yes...[not literally lol]

i went up to the city again and she drives us to the bar and things all get a bit fuzzy from there. i did some weird shots i've never heard of before, that someone else bought, and end up getting pretty smashed. it was all in good fun though.

there was some random guy outside while my friends were smoking that was attempting to flirt with me and sort of them, but he wasn't really successful..just ended up kind of upsetting my friends and i was too blitzed to really care..so we went inside. he later pulls me aside and informs me that my friends are "haters" but i'm cool...yes the drunk girl is accepting of everyone, even you, why wouldn't she be? whatever.

so the evening was great fun that i desperately needed after being repressed for so long, and even though i consumed at least 600 cals in alcohol, i still lost weight because i danced and pranced around all night. yay for drunken exercise :P i woke up the next morning all a mess feeling like a rock star. i must so do this again.

sunday was another day i spent with the ex. he did some EXTENSIVE cleaning out of the apartment. seriously, there's almost nothing left of him in there, which again is both sad and very emotionally satisfying in the weirdest of ways. we end up spending a lot of the night together just talking about our relationship and that he still loves me. [this time without the swear words and sobbing] it was actually really nice...he's still trying to fuck me, but it's nothing i can't combat with a session from my purple friend. [yes i'm speaking of my sex toy]

monday he got the news that he can take his 17 accumulated vacation days as of friday and get paid for everything, so friday is his last day of work. he plans to come over friday after work and organize what needs organizing then leave on saturday. it's the end of an era..still weird to think he'll never come back, but i think that once he leaves i'll be in a much better place mentally and probably even physically.

i told him we could hang out sometime this week if he wanted to..dunno if anything will come of it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ok diet-y stuff, i was both good and bad..they mostly cancelled each other out.

day 49

264.1

pudding 120
cherrios 100
tortilla 80
fish fillet 260

day 50

weigh in 263.0

orange juice 70
cherrios 20
fried chicken thingie 340
lettuce/tomato 10
cheese 110
kielbasa 315
mustard 5
excessive alcohol..600ish?

day 51

weigh in: 261.2

kielbasa 945
mustard 70

day 52


weigh in: 261.5

i was keeping track but the calories just kept getting higher so i just declared it a binge day to get it out of my system. i seem to be having unplanned binge days once a week..maybe i should just accept that's my body's wishes and just restrict the rest of the time..dunno.

day 53

weigh in: 262.6

i've had 180 cals of cheese and i brought 180 cals of kielbasa for lunch. hopefully i'll go to around 800 today but we'll see.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
another funny pro-ed thing a friend said to me without really understanding what he's saying...oddly they were both from guys...whatever.

i told him if i got the new apartment in the city i'd be spending most of my money to support myself there alone.

he told me that at least i couldn't spend money on food.

this is already a thought i had..but i didn't want to say it because it sounded very ed..but apparently all my friends are unwittingly telling me to form one..so if some day it comes out, i guess they wont be too surprized...lol
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i hope all is well with everyone out there, good luck my lovelies.

Friday, July 9, 2010

survey

stolen from peridot [enjoy]:

I AM...
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast

PEOPLE...
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[ ] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH...
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[ ] I didn't have to eat
[ ] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[ ] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE...
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE...
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4. I am 5"4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes
[ ] I have many scars
[x] I tan easily
[x] I wish my hair was a different color
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
[x] I have a tattoo
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance
[x] I had braces
[ ] I wear glasses
[ ] I wear contacts
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger
[x] I have more than 2 piercings
[x used to] I have piercings in places besides my ears
[x] I have freckles

FAMILY...
[x] I've sworn at my parents
[ ] I've run away from home
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house
[x] My biological parents are together
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old
[ ] I want to have kids someday
[ ] I've had children
[ ] I've lost a child

EMBARRASSMENT...
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry
[ ] I've peed from laughing
[x] I've snorted while laughing
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose
[x] I've had my trousers rip in public

RELATIONSHIPS...
[x] I'm single
[ ] I'm in a relationship
[ ] I'm engaged
[ ] I'm married
[x] I've gone on a blind date
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper
[x] I miss someone right now
[x] I have a fear of abandonment
[x] I've cheated in a relationship
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship

SEXUALITY...
[x] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher
[x] I am a cuddler
[x] I've been kissed in the rain
[x] I've hugged a stranger
[x] I have kissed a stranger

HONESTY...
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't
[x oddly while living with my bf, not with my parents] I've snuck out of my house
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game
[x] I've cheated on a test
[ ] I've been suspended from school

BAD TIMES...
[x] I've consumed alcohol
[ ] I drink regularly
[ ] I can't swallow pills
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset
[ ] I take anti-depressants
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[ ] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it
[ ] I've hurt myself on purpose
[ ] I'm addicted/ have been addicted to self harm
[ ] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[ ] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[ ] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[x] I've taken diet pills
[ ] I've used laxatives
[ ] I've purged
[ ] Bulimia
[ ] Orthorexia
[x] Over-exercising
[x] Binge eating
[ ] I exercise
[ ] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[ ] I work out daily
[ ] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I've fainted from exhaustion

I'VE DONE...
[ ] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[ ] Pain killers
[ ] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine

<>OTHER QUESTIONS
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have an ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food, it's a love/hate relationship
[ ] I want to be this way
[ ] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority sometimes
[ ] I don't want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[ ] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself
<3
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
liz, you could not be cuter. email me with ur number if u want to be ana buddies..or u know, just talk. [deleted so it can't be searched via google]

looks like my weekend will suck [48]

he's trying to leave the state [thank god] so he has to consolidate, and get rid of the remainder. i've been roped into dealing with it, which i knew from the start would happen, but whatever.

he came over yesterday and started sorting things, then decided acting like a child would be more fun.

he threw our ceramic his and hers [they're not actually "his and hers" they're a ceramic cat and dog] respective pieces on the floor, because it was "gratifying," then proceeded to sweep them up, kicking them into the wall to break them into smaller bits in the process.

he then, flew into a rage, calling me a cunt, telling me i'd regret dumping him...

that lasted for all of 10 min before he dropped to his knees and begged me back. guilted me about everything possible. swore he'd be anything i wanted from him.

lies, all lies.

lies i've heard before.

lies i can't believe again.

i'm not saying someday in the [far] future, IF he grows up, i wont give him another shot, but i sincerely doubt it'll happen.

whatever.

i eventually got him to leave, he proceeded to call me twice later that night, once to apologize for his behavior, the other to take care of business.

so it looks like, aside from sat, while i'm in the city looking at apartments, i'm going to be stuck with the ex trying to clean up his shit... yay...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
totally random, but i thought it was amusing:

yesterday, i mentioned to a friend i wanted to go to the bar, get drunk and flirt with strange men. i also said i couldn't afford the calories because i could eat for the day in less calories than i'd consume to get drunk.

he then suggested i vomit them up...

WHAT??

did a male friend from the NON ed community, just suggest i vomit?

yes, yes he did.

that just tickled my funny bone. :)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yesterday i didn't eat much. i hope to follow suit today, but i don't know what the inevitable trials of this evening will bring.

day 48

weigh in: 265.4

cherrios 200
pb & j sandwich 215

day 49

weigh in: 264.1

i'm running out of cherrios so i brought about 100 cals worth and three puddings [60 a piece] i doubt i'll eat all of it, but it's safer than going to the store hungry lol.

wish me luck, my lovelies, with diet and ex's.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
rachel: yes he's both, although english is his 3rd language, and i'm beginning to see the language barrier interfering...doubt anything will come of it, aside from some light flirting.

liz & peridot: i know it's weird that i'm not eating heavily or gaining weight, i usually do. i guess it's all about bloating and such, but thanks anyhow :)

Thursday, July 8, 2010

got my period [47]

before i get into it my useless drivel... just for the record, and those curious about my romantic affairs, there has been lots and lots more flirting with many, many men...including one that speaks fluent italian, and french..yum :)
-------------------------------------------------
so, getting my period is actually kind of weird for me. while i was with the ex i hardly ever got my period. something about his testosterone threw off my system, so i only ever had it every couple of months, if that. [i took A LOT of pregnancy tests but they all came back negative..and hell who wants to bleed that much? even if it is unhealthy]

this is my second one in recent history..and it's odd but also kinda nice...in the most bizarre way that i'm sure will wear off in another two months.

[end rambling here]
[sorry]

so, this seems to be the reason why i've been leveling out at 267.0. this morning i awoke to my period and i dropped to 265.4 for no good reason, but hell, i'll take it.

day 47

weigh in: 267.0

cherrios 200
tortillas 600
salsa 60?

day 48

weigh in: 265.4

i'm not really interested in food right now due to cramping..which is oddly nice. i forced a few cherrios to keep my little metabolism running but i'm not sure if i'm going to eat before i get lightheaded...lots o diet coke at the office so i'm sure i'll be fine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
thanks peridot, i would totally do that if i had the body for it :P someday.....

yay rachel read my blog, i feel all special :)

thank you to all my lovlies, u are the reason why i keep going...plus my self hatred, but u guys are a much better reason. love!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

flirtations [46]

i couldn't think of something interesting to title this one so i decided to note the highlight from yesterday being that i HARDCORE got flirted with by this guy from my so cal weekend..that i really shouldn't flirt with.

although my friend isn't really dating him, and she's planning to break off the sex relationship she has with him, i still feel like he's hers. in any event he flirted with me like crazy yesterday..like to the point of detailed descriptions of what he would have done to me (while i was in so cal) had i flirted back with him (which i so didn't!!)

i dunno i like the attention..because i'm an attention whore, and it's nice for someone to hit on me knowing what i really look like... plus my friend seems to find it funny..but it still seems wrong.

whatever, nothings going to happen there.

i also showed my picture to a few guys from craigslist which was horrifying.

i seriously can't date till i've made myself over...at least till 250, this is ridiculous.

honestly no one can prolly tell a difference from 267 to 250 since it's all just huge anyway..but it' different for me.. who knows.

day 46

weigh in: 267.0

tortillas 200
cherrios 200

then all hell broke loose once i got home

i ate something like 600 cals of frozen goods

then had another round..

jebus.

bad, bad, robin.

day 47

weigh in: 267.0..again

seriously something's up. i should be gaining or something not the same for..four days now?

whatever.

i think this weekend, if not sunday, because i may need to flee the apartment to avoid the ex, definitely monday, i'm going to really fast, stay in bed all day and just fast, maybe with a lil chocolate soy, if i feel really ill.

if i stay in bed all day it doesn't matter if i pass out because..hell it's bed.

i'm going to do it. i need to do it. just something different.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

weekend of fail [42-45]

day 42

weigh in: 263.7

cherrios 200
chicken noodle soup 150
candy 249
cheese 280
crackers 300
kielbasa 225

and this was actually not a stressful day...lol

day 43

weigh in: 265.4

i've been so out of control with the break up and having gone to so cal, so i decided id get the binge-e-ness out of my system and start a new. i had some mongolian bbq, sushi, cheese and crackers...it was ok i guess but def not the best. i spent most of the day missing the ex..sigh....

day 44

weigh in: 267.0

i attempted to do a liquid fast, i got some light chocolate soy milk and orange and mango juice.

i stupidly told the ex i'd hang with him.

it was awful, he made me feel guilty the whole time i was with him.

when i was out i had to pick something up at a gas station to consume. [reduced fat chocolate milk, had bout half] even though i was liquid fasting it felt like i was doing more damage with liquid calories than i would with solid..i dunno. i mentioned to rachel i really wanted crackers and she said to go ahead because we were going to do another liquid fast together the next day. so i went ahead..oie.

day 45

weigh in: 267.0

so, day two of my attempted liquid fast, i had about 150 cals in soy milk before i went out.

i drove up to the city. just being there made me realize my first step as a single girl needs to be moving back. the city is my home...i need to go back.

i went to the beach and just walked around looking for sea glass, something rachel said she wanted. after about an hour i started to feel very very ill, like to the point that i felt like i was going to collapse and or puke...which is always fun.

i met up with a friend, which made it kind of hard to cover so i had some chinese...that stuff, seriously just looking at it makes me gain 5 lbs...whatever. i had about 1/2-2/3rds a small container of fried rice and a scoop or about 1/4 of a small container of mushroom chicken.

we later went to a movie where she forced some weird licorice on me..whatever i didn't eat anything else for the day and felt like such a failure, even though rachel said i was being silly..i dunno.

the ex called me wanting to spend the night at my place. i SO didn't want to deal with him, so, after much guilting he eventually got off the phone.

he also had the audacity to leave a rose for me at my apartment when i got home. it made me feel really bad. i later find out he was scamming on girls that night and tried to get laid but had "no play" ...am i supposed to feel sympathy for this? why the hell are u telling me this if u spend 95% of our time together making me feel like ass or begging me to take you back? wtf?

i threw the rose out.

he is only making me stronger.

day 46

weigh in: 267.0

3 days straight, weird huh? i thought my scale was broken so i got some weights and stood on the scale with them and my weight went up. i also got back on without them and was still 267.0 anyone else think that's weird?

i officially have three goals in life for the time being:

1. not loose my shit and go back to him
2. move to the city
3. get down below 250 [it was the weight i was when we got together and i need the emotional purge of the loss of the added weight]

i WILL do this. my hope is in two months these will be realities. wish me luck.

oh and btw, non ex boys are stupid too. whatever, fuck em.

Friday, July 2, 2010

apparently mental duress is a great diet plan [41]

i ate so much, and the most random shit and i still went down... i don't get it. i kind of threw in the towel for the day so i didn't mark down what i was eating..ill attempt to give u the gist now.

day 41

weigh in: 266.5

pasta 400?
cherrios 200
hummus sandwiches 280?
bread with i can't believe its not butter spray 250?

i was just hungry, so i ate. there wasn't anything interesting at home besides the ex's cheese covered fried shit so i just had bread...dunno i guess my body ither lives off mental duress or it needs higher calorie contents to not go into starvation mode. dunno. might re-instate the 1200 plan..omg healthy calorie contents...what a tragedy...

whatever, no real plans yet..

day 42

weigh in: 263.7

woot! :) i can almost taste the 250's...and boy do they taste better than anything i could put in my mouth.

thankfully i'm going to have to do a shit ton of cleaning and re-organizing when the ex gets his shit out. i still feel guilty about him, but part of me is like..fuck him.

he called me last night and basically begged me to take him back.

i told him i wanted to be young and stupid and date lots of boys and fuck lots of boys....
now if only i can get over the fact that i'm fat and actually let someone see me naked.....
we'll save that for another day...

i did actually start talking to boys last night.

i flirted with two really cute boys that i met off craigslist..i know i've met the sketchiest guys on there before, but we're in the screening process where they don't even know what i look like yet, so it's mostly harmless.

i think i just need to get out there and experience life before i'm an old hag that no one wants.

sometimes i get so angry with myself because i think: why did i allow myself to be fat during the "best years of my life"? i coulda done so much more if i hadn't been hating myself...

sigh, i'm still young..and i tend to prefer older men now..so i think it'll be fine.

wish me luck lovelies.
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you guys are epically wonderful. i love you all. thank you so much for standing behind me. it's a load to bare ;) but i'm glad to have someone in the trenches with me. love!
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ps: if i haven't commented on ur blog yet, it's because i can only really use the net on my work computer right now. i'm going to be getting a mac book pro soon but, i'm trying to decide which one i want. i'm also of the opinion u shouldn't comment on someone's life unless u know all the gritty details so i don't believe in commenting before i've read the entirety of ur blog..so it's going to take me awhile. i'm sorry lovies, i am reading i swear!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

single now... [40]

so..this post isn't really going to be about food, things got way out of control, i don't think i ate more than 1000 cals but i don't know because i ate most of them at a restaurant.

day 40

weigh in: 267.9

i had a rice cake for breakfast 50
a granola bar 180?
bit of a raspberry lemonade 40?
2-3 cups of soup 400?
a sausage 150?
and two bites of pasta 100?

i didn't eat dinner, i felt ill after we broke up.

i don't really know.

day 41

weigh in: 266.5

breakfast i had my left over pasta 400?

i packed cherrios for lunch, but i don't want them...

whatever.
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i don't really want to get into the details of last night, if anyone actually cares i'll tell you, but i get the impression people just want me to loose the weight.

ill give u the cliff notes version

i came home and grabbed the cd out of hiding and put it in a new spot, sat him down and talked to him. he kept his cool, we ended up spending most of the evening together waiting for his friend to get out of work so he could spend the night there. friend never told him when he got off so he spent the night in a hotel. i get to keep the apartment but i don't know if i want to stay. i slept really comfortably in the bed by myself, i fucking hate sharing a bed...

you know what i remember most?

we were driving around and i mentioned that i should eat and fast food was the only option. he essentially said if i want the boys to "come a running" i better not.

yay for anorexia..

i also told him i was being unhealthy but i didn't get into detail about it.

i don't know i feel so emotionally dead right now. i hope you all are doing better.

oh, remember that guy i met in so cal? the guy i liked?

yeah well, he does like me... he also has a gf...yay...
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liz thanks for being sweet, sometimes just the little nothings help.