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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

i failed..as predicted [56-59]

that girl would never actually eat that doughnut... right?

i don't even want to tell you what i ate, suffice to say i went INSANE yesterday and sunday... why you ask? dunno, perhaps because i'm self destructive.

ill give u my weights for the weekend, because i'm too ashamed to admit to the food i ate...

it was all food that i "allow" just in reaaallly bad portions..sorry my lovlies.

56 - 259.3
57 - 258.6
58 - 258.4
59 - 258.2
60 - 258.8

i'm surprised i didn't gain more after yesterday's binge, but i'll take it.

i've been so wrapped up in myself i haven't been thinking about the consequences.

ever want to plaster your walls with naughty photographs of gorgeous women? i do, but i think it would send the wrong message to potential fuck partners... tehe. i did buy one of marylin monroe that's huge..that should help. dunno.

i think i need to get over my fear of "calories." i came to kind of a weird conclusion the other day. i would rather eat 100 calories of the most HORRIBLE imaginable thing possible than eat 200 of negative calories. seriously, i microwave my kielbasa on a plate that curves so the fat can seep to the middle and i can scoop the meat off the edges...

WHY AM I EATING SOMETHING THAT FAT SEEPS OFF OF???

because i'm afraid to waste calories.

i spend all my calories on meat products or grains because they give me more energy. i'm afraid to eat fruits and vegetables because they make me jittery in the small amounts i can eat.

isn't it better to have more calories if they're negative ones?

i don't know. i think i'm going to the store to load up. hell if they're negative i shouldn't feel guilty.

...right?
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the ex is gone. he left the state officially mid day saturday, but he left my life on friday night. he didn't kiss me goodbye, which kind of surprised me. i expected him to press me up against the rental car and give me a long goodbye kiss. i asked him about it after he left, and he said he wanted to, but thought i'd react poorly... life favors the bold i suppose.
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boys are tricky.

so the obsession is gone, as i kind of expected. this is why i didn't want to name him...too many names confuses me when i read other people's blogs..so i'm trying to wait for someone i at least have a physical encounter with. tehe

there have been many men since then... i go through men really quickly huh? i just get bored. they ither are my intellectual senior and i can't keep them occupied or they're so dull i just want to beat their heads in to make them stop talking.

still.. there are cute ones.

of the 20 or so i actually talked to, i'm still speaking with interest to one... maybe 1-2 more, but i'm not really all that invested in them.

the one remaining of interest is a carpenter... i'm not really sure what that means for him personally yet, but i love a man that works with his hands...its so sexual. [i know, i'm a helpless perv]

prolly most of the reason i'm intrigued is i've only spent about 3 emails with him thus far...though he does have promise.

as an icebreaker, and a way to see if he's at all imaginative, i say to a new man, "tell me a secret." if he rises to the occasion with something thought provoking or bizarre, i give him more time, if he says something like "i love to go down on women" [which i've heard twice in recent memory] i usually make an about face.

what did the carpenter say, you ask? he told me he was cheesy and believed in chivalry and all the little details that go with it...

admittedly, it wasn't the most interesting secret ive received, but my god it wasn't a blatant attempt to impress me with his sexual prowess, which obviously if ur trying that hard..you have none. [this coming from the woman who is completely useless in the bedroom.]

anyhow, he seems really cool and sweet. [he's also insanely hot, but that doesn't matter so much to me, so long as he's not insanely ugly] i gave him my number yesterday, don't know if anything will come of it, i'd like it to though.

on a random note:

whenever i post on craigslist, i include the term "bbw" [big beautiful women for those too skinny to ever need use of the phrase] but i can't wrap my head around the fact that REALLY attractive guys respond. why would anyone that cute want someone who's fat and ugly? i get that it's a fetish...but i SO don't understand it.
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for the record, my friend from the previous post doesn't know i have an ed, i've hinted at it but never actually said anything to him. he'd be even more angry with me.

liz
: i didn't get laid, not even phone sex, don't feel jealous, lovie.

lina
: thank you, u are too cute.
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tell me a secret, i dare you.

3 comments:

  1. I'm the same way. Calories being equal, I'd much rather ingest a smaller VOLUME of food. Plus I feel guilty-- "I ate cheese! No I can't have a bite of your cake!" instead of feeling as if living off cardboard-flavored cereal and celery entitles me to "cheat".

    My secret? As someone in the awkward position of being a girl who likes girls, I can say that no matter how trite it sounds, people who are attracted to women are actually attracted to the, uh, womanly stuff. Finding someone with the body of a skinny twelve-year-old boy attractive would make them feel like creepers.

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  2. I'm sorry the obsession is gone :( I'm also sorry you didn't get laid- I feel your pain! Need sex... :)

    I think I'm the opposite of you, because I'd rather have the higher amount of healthy food than the lower calorie fatty food. I guess it's each to their own :)

    Stay strong <3

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  3. when eating, volume bothers me less than calories. i could eat an entire watermelon & that to me would equate to a couple slices of bread.
    sorry no sex happened, i'm sure you won't have to wait much longer. ;)
    my secret; chivalry scares the shit out of me, but i hope whoever i end up with believes in it anyways.
    staystrong, page.

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