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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Friday, July 23, 2010

outing myself to someone mostly harmless [62]

i'm still depressed.

in other news:
of course, when i ate more, my weight went down..i'm officially crazy..but whatever.

day 62

weigh in: 260.4

turkey sandwiches 390
eggs 280?
tomato slices 20?
fruit salad 180?
turkey 275

instead of ordering off the standard options i had a side order of scrambled eggs and a bowl of fruit. worked out well.

day 63

weigh in: 259.5

i brought cantaloupe and turkey to work for breakfast/lunch. i don't feel like eating. maybe i'll get away with no breakfast. that'd be nice.
at lunch yesterday, i swear, four men were staring at me... i don't know what to do with that.

have i totally lost it?

i'm not attractive enough to receive that kind of attention, but i'd like to think i'm not so ugly as to receive the "freak show" stare...

yay, another layer of psychosis
i almost outed myself by accident yesterday.

the comp at work crashed and wouldn't reload so i couldn't clear my browser history... i probably shouldn't be back on here..but i'm addicted now.. great. maybe i'll just have to submit and buy that laptop i wanted before i'm really ready to...

u know, i have no idea how much money i have in my account... maybe i can afford it. who knows?

thankfully i convinced the comp that it wanted to do what i told it to so i could wipe the history.

then i decided to actually out myself.

remember the 55 year old i mentioned before? let's call him ted. he actually gets a name because he might hang around long enough to warrant one. he and i have been talking at length, and though i do enjoy his company..and i flirt with him more than i probably should, i have no actual interest in him romantically.

we talked about secrets and power and self destructiveness..eventually i just told him, because he already knew too much.

he confessed to me that he was apart of the same organization my mother was [FA, basically AA for food] i guess we're all a little messed up in the head.

he's been very sweet to me, and i feel he could be someone that could really offer me things i need as person, but i'm so not ready to go down that path with anyone..especially a 55 year old man.

i dunno, nice to have him around.
i emailed the carpenter shortly after i got home yesterday.

no word yet, i don't expect any.
a friend of mine said he'd make a cl posting and screen the guys for me... i think he was kidding... think..
i still hold true that i need to take a step back from guys.

i found myself falling for my "old flame" of previous postings. we've talked about him coming down here to visit me..and fuck my brains out.

i told him yesterday:

you should never come here.
i'd fall in love with you.

he seemed to think it wasn't such a bad idea. great, strung out on another boy.

why can't i just be friends with men? why must i constantly push the envelope?

part of me thinks that if they respond favorably it means that i'm worthy. part of me knows that thought is crazy.
peridot: thank you darling. it means a lot to know someone who hears the things inside my head, still thinks i'm something to be greatly missed.

: it's not sad when i asked you to do it. it's sad that i couldn't get anyone to like me enough to respond... that's sad.


  1. Men ugh what a horrible gender. Everything with them is so complicated. Lol hang in there! Maybe you're losing when you eat more because you are eating more negative cal foods? I could be wrong but hey it's worth a shot right? WHat could it hurt? =] stay strong lovie!!!!<3

  2. Boys are such a drug. A sweet fix to shoot up on when everything else is too damn expensive.

    Nope, you ain't lost it. You've been 'Meat-tagged' honey. Lap it up! You deserve all the sweet, sweet ego boosting they can give you!


  3. It's nice to have someone know, especially if you know they won't do anything about it. I have several friends (one at home and a few at school) who know, but they are the type of people who wouldn't know what to do. So they will never try to stop me or anything and they won't tell on me.

    It's been really nice talking to you the last couple days! I really appreciate all the advice :) *hugs*