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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

pity party of 1 [61]

i assure you, nothing in this post will be of interest.

it will be excessively bitchy, and you are more than welcome not to read.

you will most likely loose all respect for me if u do continue.

the only things you need to know are the following:
*i gained more than 2 lbs even though my calorie content went down
* boys suck

day 61

weigh in: 258.2

cheese & bread 230
stale cherrios and blueberries 185 [i didn't eat the whole thing i brought]
turkey and bread 450

almost 200 cals less than the day before.

day 62

weigh in: 260.4

i'm not going to keep to the diet plan i worked out yesterday. i want to be much more melodramatic than that.

i brought turkey and bread for breakfast[390], and i'm being forced to go to lunch where everything is served with potatoes. im going to gain weight, i know it.

part of me thinks there's something wrong with my scale. i've had to increasingly get on with weights and then on without anything to see a repeated number... maybe it's a dieters "safety" that if it detects someone a few oz different coming on shortly after the last time it gives u the same number so u don't freak out over oz's. [u can tell i'm crazy because i'm convinced my scale lies to me] i don't know what the deal is. i don't know if i'm just that much of a fat cow and that's the issue... that's probably the issue. the scale is too new to be fucked up already, even though the ex did kick it a few times.

i don't know, i almost don't care.

i wanted to go into the city this weekend to see a movie in an indie theatre up there, but im beginning to think i need to stay home and fast. i don't know, my head is obviously not right at the we'll check back in later.
boys...sigh boys...

so perhaps the carpenter doesn't like me. i figured after the conversation we had, he did, but i guess i was wrong. why would anyone spend 3 and a half hours with someone they didn't like? [without the promise of sex]

i don't know, perhaps i'm crazy.
perhaps he was busy.
perhaps his phone died and he didn't receive my texts.
perhaps i should have listened when he said he didn't like to send texts.

in reality, however:
yet another guy i allowed myself to form a crush on,
doesn't deem me worthy of his company.

i knew it was too early for this.

how can i date guys and convince them to like me, when i don't like me?

let me preface my next statement with this: i am not going to throw away the guys i have now, if for some reason they still want to talk to me, ill respond. i'll even send the carpenter an e-mail today in an attempt to get a response. i'm also not going to reprimand a new guy for approaching me.

i am however, not going to approach new men.

i need to wait this out, i need to be smaller before i can attempt to be desirable.

maybe in a few months, when i'm hopefully a size 16, ill flirt with new boys.

i'm not doing it now, it feels so... counter productive.
i'm cutting off the nominees for the blogger addict award. i know i'm supposed to have five, but if no one responds...well no one responds.

it only adds to my current thought process.
liz: thank you for sharing a secret, even in all this, it makes me feel special.


  1. Dear Boys;
    You are fucking crazy, letting this pass you by!

    Robin, hang in there. Your numbers will go down! Plateaus suck, but when you get past them it's aaaaaaaaaaaaaall good!


  2. Why would we lose all respect for you? Boys are commonly known to be asses, especially where girls are involved. But I know what you're saying... I don't know how I can expect anyone to care about me, in any way, if I don't give a whit about myself.

    And I don't.

    In other news, I nominated myself... that is FAR sadder :)