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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

im baaaack!!!! [94-101]

day 94 249.3
day 95 250.0
day 96 249.8
day 97 RENO
day 98 RENO
day 99 RENO
day 100 RENO
day 101 255.9
day 102 255.3

i was bad.
i binged.

not as bad as i could have.. but i ate more than i should have. i never finished my meal except for when i ordered scramble eggs from room service.. but i still gained.. not overly surprised to be honest... and my best friend is coming to town this weekend.. she is the queen of binge. that will be interesting. she's in town for two nights, i'll allot one to binge the other to eating appropriately. i really want to be under 250 before she gets here. time for fruits, veggies, and men.. tehe
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SO much has happened.

most of it having to do with ted.

i'm afraid to tell you about him, because you will tell me what i don't want to hear... you will think less of me... less of this already worthless person..

mid week last week, i ask ted..

"are you really 55?" all hell then broke loose.

he confesses everything. EVERYTHING.

no, hes not 55, hes 61. he's also in a nearly 40 year old marriage where they both knowingly cheat... he has three adopted children, which he married his wife to help him raise....and he can never offer me anything besides a hotel room and endless phone calls, texts, and emails...

i stopped talking to him for a few days after that.. then my obsession prevailed. we're talking now.. but i feel so weird about it.

i told him i wouldn't even conceive of going down that path with him without proof that ither his wife is ok with me, or proof that she too has boyfriends.

he told me that's impossible, that her only requests were that he not embarrass her or rub it in her face, and meeting a 24 year old, would do both those things...

i want him so badly. i am not AT ALL physically attracted to him.. but i am so passionately into him... that it makes it difficult.

i WILL NOT be a home wrecker.. if he's lied this long, he could easily be lying about everything.. maybe she loves him. maybe he fucks her nightly while thinking of me.. maybe their children are actually theirs....

god [if you subscribe to him] only knows..

i feel so conflicted. every impulse i have in my body says jump him.. but its so deranged i cant even fathom it.

part of me realizes its best that he's married and 61... if he were single and in his 40's....id be naked in bed with him.. and never want to leave.... honestly, if he were younger and single...and asked me to marry him.. i think id say yes... that's how deep i am in.

mostly this knowledge makes me want to throw myself at other boys.. and wish warren would respond to me... though that's a total lost cause.. i know it even though i don't want to admit to it.

the day i found out about ted, i had that friend of mine over i had the horrific sex with on the boat. we messed around on my bed. it was nice, familiar..he wants to be fuck buddies.. but i can just see the light in his eyes go out when he puts me into that category... its like if we're sexual together we cant be friends anymore.. i hate that. i much prefer him as friend, even if he is eager to please.

all this stuff with ted makes me feel kind of like.. someone.. anyone else... there's a guy that wants to meet me in the city tonight.. but i think its a bad idea. we are not at all suited for each other. i also think most of his interest in me is that he isn't having his needs met and wants.. like me, "someone, anyone". i don't want to be an "anyone" to anyone... that depresses me endlessly.

whilst writing this entry i've been cybing an old friend of mine.. deranged i know.
[-edit- oie he logged off right after the first thrust... wtf? rofl]

sigh.. must not bone ted... must bone anyone but ted...
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liz: some of it was good.. oddly my best meal was a room service patty melt.. that even includes two dinners we had at fancy joints where our bill was over 100 dollars. yay for 10 dollar meals rocking the socks of snooty joints. tehe.

peridot
: i actually have no idea who the chick is, sorry lovie.

Monday, August 23, 2010

off for a week [90-93]

day 90 252.9
day 91 250.0
day 92 249.8
day 93 249.6
day 94 249.3

i finally broke down and bought a new scale.. it says i'm about a pound heavier than my current scale, and it only weighs in multiples of .2 pounds. i decided i'd rather have the scale that reliably lies to me.. than the one that only does so in .2 pound increments...

i did feel like a crazy person getting on one scale then the other.. then the first again.. repeatedly for about 5 minutes at a time... thankfully i live alone and no one can see this behavior.

so, the real reason i'm here today is to tell you all that i'm leaving for a week.

i'm technically off today, but i came in to write to you all and inform you of the next week.. since i forgot to and i feel like a bitch for just ditching out of the blue. sorry! so as of last friday, i'm off until a week from tomorrow. my mom is taking me to reno for some of that.. so it should be interesting.

i've decided that ana and i are going to have an open relationship for the days in reno. i'm going to eat anything i want, as much as i want... BUT i am instigating the rule i had in so cal. i MUST be conscious of how much i'm eating, and i MUST stop before im full. basically just not binge. yes to binge food, no to binge behavior. i WILL behave, or i'm revoking binge food privileges.
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okay so social life update.

the friend i had sex with canceled at the last minute to go hunting instead.. double ick.

giggly conversation guy asked me out for yesterday, but never gave me details.. yesterday came and went without further details.. yet to hear from him. not overly concerned ither way, i wasn't overly attracted to him.. i just like nerdy guys.. so it tends to get me those varieties.

the full moon guy has mellowed out some about the sex and is getting back to standard flirting, may see him if he behaves himself.

got quasi asked out by another guy for tomorrow, we'll see if that happens. he seems like a more friend variety as well, but we'll see. turns out we went to high school together.. and never knew.. lol.

more flirtations with other boys... no one worthy of a name just yet.. i think i'm not going to name anyone unless i am OBSESSED or there is a successful date first.

ted is gone on his trip, though he hasn't really left me alone which is nice. i'm so slutty for his attention, its ridiculous. we had phone sex on thursday night, it wasn't standard phone sex though. it was different.. loving almost? not even so much about sex as opposed to the way he'd like to touch me, love me. i came for him on the phone, though i don't think he did. maybe that's why i liked it. it wasn't about orgasm, it was about intimacy. he and i have a very odd relationship.

i ended up texting warren on sat, he actually responded... though i think i made things worse. i REALLY want to see him again. i really liked him. dunno, i guess we'll find out in a month or so. cross your fingers for me? i haven't felt like this in awhile, i would say goodbye to all the boys without a second thought if he asked me to.
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that's really all for now folks. ill give you more updates when i'm back... i may sneak over here randomly if something big happens and post. i may even post from my phone if i get real desperate, but that means lots spelling errors and no photos. they will need to be cleaned up later. who knows?

i love you all my darlings.
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liz: glad i can make you giggle uncontrollably. it is my pleasure :)

Thursday, August 19, 2010

fucking burrito with lavender rice [89]

day 89 252.0
day 90 252.9

i had a burrito for dinner last night, it's probably what did me in, though it wasn't coated in the shit that make burritos bad for you.

i haven't eaten breakfast today because i felt really heavy in my stomach this morning. i just wasn't interested in food. i'm going out to lunch again with my mom today, but we're probably going to that breakfast joint again where i can just have scrambled eggs and fruit.

it occurred to me today, im in practically the same place i was a month ago. i need to step up my game. i need to be in the 40's by now.

still no developments on a scale.
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boys.. hmm

giggly conversation boy didn't get back to me till i was going to bed, so he's reserved for today.

talked to another guy who lives too far away, and is really not the kind of guy i find attractive, but his personality is so awesome i'm attracted anyway.

the full moon guy finally got back to me last night. i think he needs to be put on hold till he has his own place.

every comment he made was about sex or kissing, he says he hasn't been able to masturbate in a month cause the friend he's staying with's place is tiny and it's making him loose his marbles.

speaking as someone who has worked at girl scout camp... and has had no privacy to masturbate for damn near the entirety of the summer.. i understand how it can make you crazy, i don't want to write him off just yet. i'm going to wait and see if he is jerky after he finally gets to cum a few times.

there's another guy or two in there too.. but they're not worth mentioning yet.

ted is back to lovie dovie. we seem to fight every few days. i think it has a lot to do with my hesitance and both of our jealousies over each other's lovers.

he's back to loving me again.

he called me last night to talk to me while i was dozing off. it was lovely.
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liz: i think it's funny that you think i'm hot, and she's only alright. shes TINY! ...she is lacking in the boob department, though, i suppose. are you a chubby chaser liz? :P

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

facebook cock un-block [88]

day 88 ---
day 89 252.0

the scale has got to be lying, i had fast food last night... admittedly i didn't eat much of it as i got full and ended up just spit chewing at least half of it... but still. after eating nothing to eating solids then fast food... and only gaining like half a pound? that's impossible. i'll get a new scale one of these days... i just feel like i can't trust them since they're so inaccurate.. who's to say the next one wont lie? how will i ever REALLY know?

does this thought process make me crazy?

probably...
-------------------------------
so... i wake up this morning to log into my facebook... and see that friend of mine's facebook status say he's single now... cause that's not foreboding. lol.

i bet you anything he'll make a move at some point if we're not in a car all night.

honestly.. i'm not sure if i'll go along with it. i've thought about it long and hard and i can't decide what i'll do.... doesn't mean i'm not going to wear my sexy red bra. tehe.

i dunno, its a bad idea, we have different sexual needs, we're both submissive, plus i can get like 8 different guys and a girl to kiss me if i want to make out. it seems unwise to venture down that path.. but i crave having his sexual desires on me. i had a massive crush on him in high school.. and i guess i never really got over wanting his attention. he once told me i was a classic beauty..years later it has stuck with me.

it's weird.. i can't take a compliment... but they stick in my head like the needy slut i am.

whatever.

ted is being kind of a punk. we went from bliss and dirtiness to last night where he pushed me away saying i would never want him, could never touch him or be with him and saying he wants to be friends instead.

i kept telling him over and over, we weren't friends... cause we're not.

i care about him deeply but is not even remotely platonic.

he said this morning that the reason he was that way last night was because he realized that we had an online relationship and not an in real life which made him sad.

why do men refuse to hear me when i speak?

oie.

i talked to that guy who wanted to ask me out last weekend but there have been lots of awkward silences. we had a really successful phone call filled with giggles. maybe we will meet up.

i get the impression he's not really aware of how fat i am even though my profile says "full figured" i guess that could be deemed as curvaceous as opposed to the fat ass i am.. but i don't know.

i sent him a link to deviantart account that is filled with pictures of me.. though i'm fatter in most of those pictures than i am now.. but.. it'll give him a head's up.

who knows?
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i bought a huge fuck off mirror yesterday.

i rearranged my entire room and put it on top of my desk as a vanity. its enormous like 3x4 feet.. it seems so much bigger without the cardboard on it... but i think it will do me good. give me something to really look at in the morning. motivation.. self assurance..

i really like how my room is turning out. it feels more and more like ME with every change i make.

i was looking at the room yesterday after i had moved things around.. and realized that it was the same basic set up as it was in my apartment before the ex moved in... interesting that i did that without thinking.

it's the starting of a new era, what can i say?
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page: aww you're sweet to say i'm interesting.. i'm soooo not.... lol but i'm glad to show a little light in someone else's life.
---
liz: lol, you totally just want to make out with me. get over it, and do it already. :P i sent you a message on facebook, you can check her out from there though her profile picture is weird and i don't know how much you can see without being her "friend" i'll email you a picture if it comes down to that.
---
peridot: lol i think he's actually already blown his shot. i texted him back asking who he was and he has yet to respond. i'll probably text him again tonight and see if anything comes of it. if not.. forget it.

fucker.

i SO have better options than a guy who plays sweet then is totally unreliable.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

ted is getting under my defenses [87]

day 87 251.3
day 88 ---

i forgot to weigh myself before i ate this morning.. so i don't know. i figured i gained some because i actually ate yesterday. i can finally eat again. both a blessing and a curse. i had two peaches for breakfast, planning to have rice or chicken soup for lunch.
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nothing overly eventful has occurred since yesterday.

ted and i spent a lot of time on the phone last night.. turning me on. oie.

can i do this?

he's leaving for two weeks on friday. i guess that will test all of this.

i got a random text from a number no longer in my phone last night. i'm thinking it was the guy i had that big crush on but he had just moved here and never really got back to me. not sure how i feel about it.. i kinda think hes a punk for leaving me out in the rain.

one note about him though, i told him i got a fortune cookie that said something akin to the next full moon will bring an enchanting evening. he told me to mark the day, that he would take me out, and enchant me. tehe.

that was sweet. perhaps he deserves a VERY wary second chance. we'll see... he was pretty damn cute. lol.

i'm meeting up with the friend i had the TERRIBLE revenge sex with this weekend. yeah, remember the facebook cock block? yeah well... apparently things aren't going too well... maybe ill get some kisses...

i don't know. part of me likes kissing him because it's simple and we don't have to think about it the next day... but part of me realizes that kissing him only makes it so it's longer before i get to see him again.

i should really save my sexual conquests for boys i don't care if i see again.

i realize as i type that... that that's kind of a deranged thing to say.. but oddly true.

love you all, my darlings.
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it occurs to me, that my blog has more become about boys than ana...
does that make me terrible?
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liz: actually i mentioned it by saying something akin to "oh god, you must think i'm a terrible kisser after the kiss we had, i swear i'm better than that" she denied it and said she was awful, that she doesn't know what shes doing and just kind of goes for it. i offered to give her some tips sometime. more girl on girl action? suppose so.

Monday, August 16, 2010

i kissed a girl...and she needs some pointers [84-86]

day 84 253.5
day 85 253.7
day 86 253.7
day 87 251.3

sorry for not really giving you food details anymore, i'll give you what little i remember. saturday i had some sushi at home, then some sushi take out for dinner with vegetable tempura....the take out made me sick so i had about 60 cals of orange/mango juice for the entirety of sunday. today i've had some grapes and half a sugar free pudding cup, couldn't finish it because it hurt.
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okay, so friday night i went out with my friend. we met up for coffee and ended up going to a bar. it was pretty vacant but we were 2 of 3 women there not including the bartender. so, we got 3 free rounds.

how come the last two times i've gone to a bar with a woman, the men there have assumed we're lesbians?

i get that i'm friendly...and it probably doesn't help that friday was my first girl kiss... lol but they asked us if we were lesbians before that happened.

made about 8 guys very happy... lol

we texted ted all throughout our drunken shenanigans.

my friend likes that ted is dirty, and thinks i should go for it with him, if he can pleasure me appropriately.

part of me thinks his experience would be highly helpful, especially since he's in the community.. by community i mean Ds... which i think would be nice to be with someone experienced in that... as clearly the ex was not... it made me giggle he couldn't tie knots...what kind of self respecting Dom can't tie up his sub? lol

i don't know, more and more of me wants to see what leads down that path. can i get over his age?

i think warren and i are pretty much done. i've been sending him flirty pictures, and at first he responded... but i haven't heard from him since like thursday. i texted him on sat to tell him i didn't like the way i was behaving around him, that he should take his time and text me when he feels like it. that i would stop texting him. i don't expect to hear from him again... which really fucking sucks.

saturday, i visited my parents, we went to see scott pilgrim.. which was ridiculously cute. oh, me and dorks... how i love thee.... i had some take out for dinner.. as previously mentioned... and regretted it all of sunday..and still now.

i spent all day sunday in bed wishing for death lol. in and out of consciousness only long enough to watch about 15 min segments of buffy or respond to ted's texts.

he is such an intense man... passion doesn't cover it.

i wonder if he knows what he does to me.
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ana always there: thanks for your admiration.. though i doubt i deserve it. i totally know how you feel about the lesbianism... though part of me realizes that it's just another can of worms. ultimately relationships between people will be complicated because there will be two [or more] people with different needs that need to be met... question is how well one can balance those needs.
---
liz: thank you darling, i know you are always here for me. i appreciate it more than you know. i had a little bit too much fun :P as you know by now... lol.

Friday, August 13, 2010

[81-83]

day 81 252.0
day 82 252.9
day 83 252.6
day 84 253.5

i ate like a cow yesterday, seriously could not stop eating to save my life. i dunno why. i bought some sandwiches from the store after work [this doesn't include my breakfast or lunch] and i ate all 3 plus a large container of broccoli salad... the fuck? how did i only gain .9 lbs?? i figured from sheer volume i would have gained 3 lbs.

i'm kind of in a place where i want to go back to a 1200 cal plan.

i want to loose more, NOW.. but part of me is thinking going so low isn't helping me.

i really want to be at least 10 lbs lighter before i see warren again. i want him to be able to see a difference. i want him to tell me im skinny, that i'm beautiful... though he thinks i'm beautiful now. silly man..... lol it's semi adorable coming out of him though.

i'm going out with a [female] friend tonight, i don't know what i'll have to consume to appear normal. my parents saturday. sunday i'm by myself for now, though a different guy wants to take me on a date. i haven't decided if i'm into him. hes a nice guy.. but when we talk on the phone it's filled with awkward silences. i think we're going to have to screen more, which i know he wont like.

whatever, who cares? it's all about warren anyhow. lol... sort of.

i told ted i loved him yesterday.

i'm so deranged.

he makes me feel so intensely.

if he wasn't fucking half the women he comes in contact with, and was 10 years younger... id be completely gone on him.

helpless.

i don't know if that fact is good or bad.
i'm repulsed by him physically, but i feel so deeply mentally connected to him.

am i really so shallow as to reject a body that holds a soul that resonates with mine?
apparently, yes.

yay for confusion and odd feelings....
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liz: thank you my darling, i know you mean well, but it wouldn't have worked in that situation, my phone was on my nightstand, he would have known if i had ran off with it.

it's alright, i'm mostly over it now. i'd even consider going on another date with him if he asked... though mostly i'd be tempted to say something akin to, "yeah, sorry *****, i don't really feel like being your booty call, but thanks for thinking of me." complete with plastic smile.
---
peridot: tehe, i heart you peri. you always make me giggle.
---
ana always there: aww, you are too sweet! i'm totally the same way, i refuse to comment on someone's life until i know them. it just seems presumptuous, you know?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

royally confused [80]

day 80

weigh in: 250.0

cheese&bread 450
2 white peaches 180?

day 81

weigh in: 252.0

i'm convinced my scale is lying.

i'm going to attempt to buy a new one today.

my mom gave me a box of white peaches [i ADORE white peaches, i could eat them till i became sick... literally] on the side of the box it said "im ripe" ....oh my

some delicious peaches that are ripe for the tasting? sooo dirty.

makes me think of a song i love.. mostly for this one line

you're the cutest little thing i ever did see
i really love your peaches, want to shake your tree
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well the guy i went on the date with sunday night texted me. i gave him some really flat conversation. he didn't ask me out, not that i expected him to.

i still really don't know how i feel about the situation. based on the fact that he initiated conversation suggests he wants to see me again, but i'm not sure i want that.

up until his dick came out, i would have said i did want to see him again...now i don't know.

it was defiantly a night of miscommunications.

i figure i've got the rest of the week to decide if i want to go out with him again. hopefully i'll have a decision by then.
---
more little texts with warren.

i wish i could do more for him, he's a really great guy. i understand this is really a time for himself, a time where he needs to do things for himself.

a concept of which i'm almost jealous. i wish i could feel so independent. even though i live alone, i still feel like im leaning on a number of different people.

one step at a time i suppose.
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TO EVERYONE: i'm not really reading people's blogs right now since i'm afraid of the comp crashing at work without me being able to clear the history, so i'm on here for as long as it takes to post, then i clear things out.

if you are having a rough time, i want to be here for you. if you need me, drop me a comment and we'll exchange email info or phone numbers.

i don't care if you've never commented on my blog, if you started reading me today, or if you're my bestest friend. i'm here for you.
---
liz: i know. i know. im really easily coerced into situations i'm not happy about. it's a rare thing when i can say no. [though i am better than i used to be] which a big reason why i'm impressed with warren. [aside from the fact he's awesome in general] i told him no, and that's where it ended... though 90% of the reason i said no, was because i was convinced he couldn't have sex with me that quickly without it becoming a rebound.... the other 10% being insecurities about my sexual prowess... had those two things not been a factor... yeaahhh.. that woulda been worth loosing sleep for. tehe.

i appreciate the offer to call, but this was 4 in the morning my time..not to mention me jumping on my phone randomly then receiving a call... would be less than subtle. lol. it's alright.. i could have said no, he wouldn't have forced me... i just...wasn't happy about it.

Monday, August 9, 2010

another date with another boy [76-79]

day 76 251.5
day 77 252.5
day 78 251.5
day 79 253.5
day 80 250.0

i don't so much mind telling you what i ate.. though i don't really remember. i binged on sat which included a large slice of cake, so i could be good sun and loose... i did.

argggg.. i'm getting so bad about this. i really am a bad ana. men really fuck up my ability to be here and focus on eating correctly.

i also feel like no one notices when i don't post... so i don't feel too bad.

also, i started my period, i forced down 140 cals this morning, i feel like puking. well.. one great side effect of bleeding and feeling like ass for a week, is it makes it real easy to starve.
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THIS STORY IS EXPLICIT, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.


i had another date, [not with the polyamorous guy, whom i've decided to name warren] but with someone new.

i'm feeling really weird about the whole thing.

turns out he knows people i went to college with, also he went to college with me, but i didn't know him. he even dated a girl, a friend of mine fucked directly after their break up... lol....

anyhow, lil miss flirt, flirted much too much with this boy. it got to the point of almost phone sex right before we met up.

we went to a movie, then he comes back to my place [i REALLY need to not invite guys back to my place unless i click with them as intensely as i did with warren]

anyhow, we talk for a few hours, then we move to the bedroom. we lay next to each other, we snuggle, then he kisses me.

great kisses.

possibly the best kisser i've ever been with.

i love the way he's moving me around the bed, flipping me around, pulling my hair, kissing me, pinning me down. it was delicious.

then he goes for his pants.

i am not ok with this.

i probably over-react.

we talk, almost fight. i did lead him on, but i told him i was on my period and sex was out. he claims that he just needed some room because his hard on was making him uncomfortable in the restraints of his jeans.

i GUESS [but is it really?] that's acceptable. [sort of]

i tell him i'm not really ready to go down that path. [he has sent me pix of his dick.. so i'm totally sending him mixed signals and i feel bad about that]

we continue to make out.

he asks me to rub it through his pants, i do.
he asks to take off his pants and rub it through his boxers, i do.

[i'm comfortable at this point,
which makes no sense i know,
and further leads him down the wrong path]

now comes the stuff i'm not happy about.

he wants me to touch it without underwear.
i kind of back off, he then asks to just show it to me.

i agree.

eventually i'm touching him skin against skin.

i really think that this is not a malicious act.
that he thinks i want to do these things, i'm just afraid i wont be good at them.

that is not the case.
---
it's like the phone sex a week ago.
[with another completely different guy]
the first time it was fun because it was flirty
and it didn't really matter what came of it.
the second time was all about getting him off..
so it wasn't fun anymore.
---
i jerk him off for awhile, im bored at this point but i feel obligated to continue.

he then asks me to kiss it.

[i mentioned thinking his dick looked like it needed a kiss when i saw the pictures]
[i was totally screwing myself at this point, wasn't i? lol]

eventually, after much prodding, and promising to stop asking if i give it a kiss, i do.

more jerking.

eventually, i finish him off in my mouth, after more prodding.
---
i genuinely think, he thought i needed to be reassured and asked and "made comfortable"

i don't think he meant to coerce me.

i am much too flirty with boys. i tell them i want sex, that i need sex.

why am i surprised when they want to give it to me?

in any event i feel weird about the situation.

as soon as he left, i showered, brushed my teeth, and changed my sheets.
with warren, i laid in my sheets all day thinking about him laying with me.

i know i prefer warren.
but i feel like i royally screwed over this guy's chances with me.

he's a nice guy, and if someone had told me, the things i had told him.. i probably would have assumed they just needed reassurance.

i don't know if i'm going to see him again.

i don't know if i'm going to hear from him again.

he told me before the date that he was starting a new job today so he wouldn't be able to spend the night, regardless of what happened. as he left he re-mentioned that, and that he may not be available for a few days. sort of feels like a brush off to me.

perhaps i'm cynic... which i am... but i doubt i am with this.

perhaps all my obsessing is in vain.

who knows?
---
what it comes down to, for me, is:

i need to not flirt so hard with guys that i haven't started a sexual relationships with.

if i am that flirty with a guy, he's going to assume i want sex..
which is fair since that's what i say i want... lol
[which i do, i'm just not really ready for it]

no one comes back to my apartment unless i want him to get in my pants....
because honestly we can make out in public.
we don't need to be at my apartment unless his dick is coming out.
---
part of me thinks getting some sexual contact out of the way is important.
i've been afraid of dick, maybe this night will help me in the future.
---
i miss warren. a lot.
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liz: i hope i see warren again soon too, i'm a little unsure of the situation. he hasn't been real available because he has to pack up his life, move, and start over in under a month. at first i thought he was blowing me off, but i got a text from him explaining the situation, that he did like me, and he wanted to see me again. i can be patient if i know it's coming. i really really like him.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

missing dinner due to a hot guy is winning twice [75]

day 75

weigh in: 252.2

broccoli salad 100?
sushi 440
soy sauce 20?
soy beans 220

day 76

weigh in: 251.5

broccoli salad 250?

only had half my lunch at work yesterday since he called during my lunch hour, finished the second half at home and didn't eat anything else for the rest of the day... yay :)
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mmm... date night...

god, he's so hot...

so let me start with this by saying:

last night was both the ex's birthday, and had we stayed together, it would have also been our 3 year anniversary.

fucked up? yes.

totally rewarding and cathartic? hells yes.

so, the polyamorous guy and i are getting close, i should probably give him a name... i'll come up with something.

anyhow, he texts me yesterday to say hi and i ask him how he slept, he informs me his primary broke up with him via e-mail [the hell??? even i had the decency to do it in person and i was scared for my fucking life!!] so, he's feeling shitty.

i already feel insanely close to him, like if i didn't want him to do me 8 different ways, i'd have a brand new best friend. so, i offer him compassion. i support him, i have him call me during my lunch break to talk and he asks me out.

part of me feels like this is a bad idea, because theoretically he's rebounding, and anything now, could fuck up a relationship later, be it romantic or friendship.

i end up agreeing to meet with him, he cancels then re-asks me out for coffee.

we go to this coffee shop around the corner from me next to this AMAZING video store that has everything i could ever lust for. we sit and talk for an hour or so till the coffee shop closes and kicks us out.

so we move to the parking lot, leaning against the back of his car, still talking. endlessly talking, in a really rewarding way that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but is true. as we stand there, he inches closer to me, just sort of pressing the side of his body to mine. and it's not in a perverse way, its just sort of this weird closeness that i find incredibly comforting.

i don't ordinarily invite guys back to my place after knowing them 24 hours, but after another two hours or so of talking, the sun had set and he was cold and there's nothing to do in my city...like our next stop would have been a 24 hour drug store lol.

he seems non threatening, he doesn't press the idea at all, and oddly, almost immediately i trust him.

we go back to my place, we pick out a dvd and watch the first episode of the first season of torchwood.

throughout the episode, he starts in with pressing against me again, small little touches, that are non aggressive, that are soft simple and wonderful. soon, im snuggled into his neck and we just sort of lay together.

eventually his legs start to block the tv, and i don't care, i'm not paying attention at this point. we sort of smile and giggle with each other and eventually, after much building, he kisses me.

rough, fast, aggressive.

it's wonderful.

there are red marks all over my neck.

i even broke a nail.

all throughout this, he tells me i'm beautiful. it just makes me giggle.

we didn't have sex.. we didn't even take off our bottoms.. but it was so bizarrely intimate, that i don't think sex would have altered the effect any, aside from perhaps being more blissed out now.

as we were laying next to each other afterward, soft touches on my skin, he commented about my bone structure and how my ribs and hips stick out when i lay down. that when i loose the weight i want to, ill have an insanely hot hour glass figure. [now keep in mind, i talked him about my weight loss, and that im not done yet, so i was zero percent offended...more so thrilled. to me, this was a huge compliment.]

i'm still trembling, though i wonder if it's because i skipped dinner or the fact that i roughly made out with an insanely hot guy for 2 hours.

ither way? i'm winning.
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lilah lee: the situation with ted, is an odd one. he appreciates the smallest things from me, in ways that no guy ever has.

a picture of just my eyes is enough to send him into a creative and sexual frenzy lol.

i wish i was more attracted to him, a relationship with him would be...intense.
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liz: not creepy at all! as you can tell. i do worry that my behavior last night might have fucked up a really cool friendship though.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

date toooooooooooooooooooonight.

maybe?

more info tomorrow.

polyamory and me? [74]

day 74

weigh in: 254.0

broccoli & cheese 300
sushi 440
soy sauce 10?
soy beans 220ish

day 75

weigh in: 252.2

had the smallest container of this weird broccoli salad they had at the grocery store for breakfast. it was sooooo good. just some raw veggies plus raisins and some sort of sweet "slaw" sauce but the sauce was so lightly added that i don't really feel guilty about it. maybe 200 cals for the whole thing? prolly less.

lunch is probably soy beans.
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still no word from the huge crush that just moved here. i'm mostly over it. if he wants to play games, go right ahead. i cared at first, i don't anymore.

besides, i have a new boy to play with. tehe

i dunno if anything will come of this new crush, he's polyamorous. [dates and has relationships with multiple people at the same time, some people are even married or live all together] i'm open to the concept of polyamory but.. i feel like it may overly complicate my life this early on into the dating scene.

i'm also thinking that perhaps that might be exactly what i need. in a labeled way it gives me the things i was actually sort of planning to do anyway. i wanted to date multiple guys and if they all know about it...and are comfortable with it... isn't that better than waiting to be bored with one to move onto the next?

i'm not sure a poly lifestyle is suited for me long term...but it's an interesting concept while i get my "yayas" out.

who knows, maybe i'll fall madly in love with two men and that'll be it for me, poly for life.

i also think having more than one guy have to deal with my attention whore-y-ness would cut down on people thinking im crazy because of the level of attention i desire. lol.

so i talked to him on the phone last night..all fucking night. [4 hours and 43 min according to my call log] we seem to be really compatible on a lot of levels. i just don't know if he can give me the kind of attention i'd want from a guy i'm dating when he has three other women, one of which he lives with.

if nothing else, i totally just made a really cool friend.... who is RIDICULOUSLY HOT.

my god that boy is hot. he has long hair and dresses alt... which i looooveeeeeee. some of his profile pictures even have him in a three piece dark suit with tie...dear christ i died when i saw that. what is it about a tie that makes u want to pull a guy down into a kiss? mmm.. delicious...

anyhow... those are the new developments boy wise.

i have a few messages waiting for me on the dating site once i finish up here.

wish me a good kiss? i don't even need sex... i just want to be made dizzy by kisses.
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liz: eh, i wasn't so much into the phone sex... it just got to a point where it's like...well....?

he sent me a text yesterday morning wishing me a good day, haven't heard anything else.

yeah, my weight seems to be dropping so hopefully by sat i can be 249.9. i'll fast friday except during lunch [cause i'll be at work] if necessary.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

binge and loss [69-73]

i'm sorry i didn't post yesterday like i ordinarily would, life kind of got in the way...nothing interesting happened so it's not too much of a loss.

i binged over the weekend.

had fast food twice, couldn't finish my meal ither time, but still:

fast food is fast food.

other than that, i was mostly fine. slips here and there.

again, i'm not going to go into what i ate, because i'm ashamed... however, though i did go up over the weekend, i am back down. plus im back on track so the binge should help me drop more.

my wish is by saturday to be 249.9 wish me luck.

day 69
254.6
day 70 252.6
day 71 253.7
day 72 254.6
day 73 254.2
day 74 254.0
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there have been lots of boys, lots of talking.

one huge crush, who then proceeded to ignore me, again. he texted me yesterday morning apologizing for not being responsive. haven't heard from him since then.

admittedly he is busy, as he did just fly here for work... but still. if he liked me, he could spend 15 seconds and type a:

"i know my life is really hectic right now,
but i think you're really charming,
and i want to see you soon.
[and fuck your brains out]"

whatever, i'm mostly over it, but if he shapes up i'll give him another round cause.. moving does suck..

had two rounds of phone sex yesterday. [with a different guy] it was alright, still a little tender.

feeling a little weird about the guy now, but he doesn't mind.

still talking to ted and will. both very good friends, though ted is still trying to get in my pants.

i know he means well.

he sees me as someone who needs saving.

he wants to be my hero, and there's something romantic about that.

also, being adored by an artist is a unique experience.

it's nice to be appreciated for the things he notices, as most guys are too dumbstruck by my tits to notice much else.

when he told me about my breasts, he didn't go for the obvious "booooobbbieesssss" comment. he talked about how he watched them move as i took every breath.

i feel like most guys would have miss that. that they would be too caught up in my cleavage and wanting to put their hand/face/cock there.

whatever, still creeped out by his hands on me. maybe over time.

and that, my girls, is all there is.
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lilah lee: love you too :)