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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Monday, August 9, 2010

another date with another boy [76-79]

day 76 251.5
day 77 252.5
day 78 251.5
day 79 253.5
day 80 250.0

i don't so much mind telling you what i ate.. though i don't really remember. i binged on sat which included a large slice of cake, so i could be good sun and loose... i did.

argggg.. i'm getting so bad about this. i really am a bad ana. men really fuck up my ability to be here and focus on eating correctly.

i also feel like no one notices when i don't post... so i don't feel too bad.

also, i started my period, i forced down 140 cals this morning, i feel like puking. well.. one great side effect of bleeding and feeling like ass for a week, is it makes it real easy to starve.


i had another date, [not with the polyamorous guy, whom i've decided to name warren] but with someone new.

i'm feeling really weird about the whole thing.

turns out he knows people i went to college with, also he went to college with me, but i didn't know him. he even dated a girl, a friend of mine fucked directly after their break up... lol....

anyhow, lil miss flirt, flirted much too much with this boy. it got to the point of almost phone sex right before we met up.

we went to a movie, then he comes back to my place [i REALLY need to not invite guys back to my place unless i click with them as intensely as i did with warren]

anyhow, we talk for a few hours, then we move to the bedroom. we lay next to each other, we snuggle, then he kisses me.

great kisses.

possibly the best kisser i've ever been with.

i love the way he's moving me around the bed, flipping me around, pulling my hair, kissing me, pinning me down. it was delicious.

then he goes for his pants.

i am not ok with this.

i probably over-react.

we talk, almost fight. i did lead him on, but i told him i was on my period and sex was out. he claims that he just needed some room because his hard on was making him uncomfortable in the restraints of his jeans.

i GUESS [but is it really?] that's acceptable. [sort of]

i tell him i'm not really ready to go down that path. [he has sent me pix of his dick.. so i'm totally sending him mixed signals and i feel bad about that]

we continue to make out.

he asks me to rub it through his pants, i do.
he asks to take off his pants and rub it through his boxers, i do.

[i'm comfortable at this point,
which makes no sense i know,
and further leads him down the wrong path]

now comes the stuff i'm not happy about.

he wants me to touch it without underwear.
i kind of back off, he then asks to just show it to me.

i agree.

eventually i'm touching him skin against skin.

i really think that this is not a malicious act.
that he thinks i want to do these things, i'm just afraid i wont be good at them.

that is not the case.
it's like the phone sex a week ago.
[with another completely different guy]
the first time it was fun because it was flirty
and it didn't really matter what came of it.
the second time was all about getting him off..
so it wasn't fun anymore.
i jerk him off for awhile, im bored at this point but i feel obligated to continue.

he then asks me to kiss it.

[i mentioned thinking his dick looked like it needed a kiss when i saw the pictures]
[i was totally screwing myself at this point, wasn't i? lol]

eventually, after much prodding, and promising to stop asking if i give it a kiss, i do.

more jerking.

eventually, i finish him off in my mouth, after more prodding.
i genuinely think, he thought i needed to be reassured and asked and "made comfortable"

i don't think he meant to coerce me.

i am much too flirty with boys. i tell them i want sex, that i need sex.

why am i surprised when they want to give it to me?

in any event i feel weird about the situation.

as soon as he left, i showered, brushed my teeth, and changed my sheets.
with warren, i laid in my sheets all day thinking about him laying with me.

i know i prefer warren.
but i feel like i royally screwed over this guy's chances with me.

he's a nice guy, and if someone had told me, the things i had told him.. i probably would have assumed they just needed reassurance.

i don't know if i'm going to see him again.

i don't know if i'm going to hear from him again.

he told me before the date that he was starting a new job today so he wouldn't be able to spend the night, regardless of what happened. as he left he re-mentioned that, and that he may not be available for a few days. sort of feels like a brush off to me.

perhaps i'm cynic... which i am... but i doubt i am with this.

perhaps all my obsessing is in vain.

who knows?
what it comes down to, for me, is:

i need to not flirt so hard with guys that i haven't started a sexual relationships with.

if i am that flirty with a guy, he's going to assume i want sex..
which is fair since that's what i say i want... lol
[which i do, i'm just not really ready for it]

no one comes back to my apartment unless i want him to get in my pants....
because honestly we can make out in public.
we don't need to be at my apartment unless his dick is coming out.
part of me thinks getting some sexual contact out of the way is important.
i've been afraid of dick, maybe this night will help me in the future.
i miss warren. a lot.
liz: i hope i see warren again soon too, i'm a little unsure of the situation. he hasn't been real available because he has to pack up his life, move, and start over in under a month. at first i thought he was blowing me off, but i got a text from him explaining the situation, that he did like me, and he wanted to see me again. i can be patient if i know it's coming. i really really like him.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry you had to deal with that awkward situation. But you should NEVER feel obligated to provide sex, just because you might have lead them on. You never have to do anything you want to do! I can't stress that enough. Text me if you ever need anything! I can always call you if you're in an awkward situation and help you escape :)

    I hope you get to see Warren soon! I'm glad you like him a lot :)