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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

im baaaack!!!! [94-101]

day 94 249.3
day 95 250.0
day 96 249.8
day 97 RENO
day 98 RENO
day 99 RENO
day 100 RENO
day 101 255.9
day 102 255.3

i was bad.
i binged.

not as bad as i could have.. but i ate more than i should have. i never finished my meal except for when i ordered scramble eggs from room service.. but i still gained.. not overly surprised to be honest... and my best friend is coming to town this weekend.. she is the queen of binge. that will be interesting. she's in town for two nights, i'll allot one to binge the other to eating appropriately. i really want to be under 250 before she gets here. time for fruits, veggies, and men.. tehe
SO much has happened.

most of it having to do with ted.

i'm afraid to tell you about him, because you will tell me what i don't want to hear... you will think less of me... less of this already worthless person..

mid week last week, i ask ted..

"are you really 55?" all hell then broke loose.

he confesses everything. EVERYTHING.

no, hes not 55, hes 61. he's also in a nearly 40 year old marriage where they both knowingly cheat... he has three adopted children, which he married his wife to help him raise....and he can never offer me anything besides a hotel room and endless phone calls, texts, and emails...

i stopped talking to him for a few days after that.. then my obsession prevailed. we're talking now.. but i feel so weird about it.

i told him i wouldn't even conceive of going down that path with him without proof that ither his wife is ok with me, or proof that she too has boyfriends.

he told me that's impossible, that her only requests were that he not embarrass her or rub it in her face, and meeting a 24 year old, would do both those things...

i want him so badly. i am not AT ALL physically attracted to him.. but i am so passionately into him... that it makes it difficult.

i WILL NOT be a home wrecker.. if he's lied this long, he could easily be lying about everything.. maybe she loves him. maybe he fucks her nightly while thinking of me.. maybe their children are actually theirs....

god [if you subscribe to him] only knows..

i feel so conflicted. every impulse i have in my body says jump him.. but its so deranged i cant even fathom it.

part of me realizes its best that he's married and 61... if he were single and in his 40' be naked in bed with him.. and never want to leave.... honestly, if he were younger and single...and asked me to marry him.. i think id say yes... that's how deep i am in.

mostly this knowledge makes me want to throw myself at other boys.. and wish warren would respond to me... though that's a total lost cause.. i know it even though i don't want to admit to it.

the day i found out about ted, i had that friend of mine over i had the horrific sex with on the boat. we messed around on my bed. it was nice, familiar..he wants to be fuck buddies.. but i can just see the light in his eyes go out when he puts me into that category... its like if we're sexual together we cant be friends anymore.. i hate that. i much prefer him as friend, even if he is eager to please.

all this stuff with ted makes me feel kind of like.. someone.. anyone else... there's a guy that wants to meet me in the city tonight.. but i think its a bad idea. we are not at all suited for each other. i also think most of his interest in me is that he isn't having his needs met and wants.. like me, "someone, anyone". i don't want to be an "anyone" to anyone... that depresses me endlessly.

whilst writing this entry i've been cybing an old friend of mine.. deranged i know.
[-edit- oie he logged off right after the first thrust... wtf? rofl]

sigh.. must not bone ted... must bone anyone but ted...
liz: some of it was good.. oddly my best meal was a room service patty melt.. that even includes two dinners we had at fancy joints where our bill was over 100 dollars. yay for 10 dollar meals rocking the socks of snooty joints. tehe.

: i actually have no idea who the chick is, sorry lovie.


  1. Wow, that all sounds really intense. I'm sorry about Ted. It completely sucks that he lied to you and let you get that attached! If I were you, I would hate him. I hope it gets better for you.

    Good move on keeping that other guy as a friend. That sounds like the best option.

    Don't worry too much about the weight. If that's all you gained, I wouldn't be concerned. You can lose it again, I know it. Have a great night!

  2. I've had a similar experience with a married man who is now 45...albeit I knew he was married and I still, stupidly, continued a 2-year relationship with the man...(Biggest mistake ever...even though now we still remain friends.)The problem with married men who cheat--they will continue on cheating even if they tell you they only think of you and etc. Nip this thing in the bud as quick as possible...even if it means you have to use hatred to make it easier. It's definitely hard when you have an emotional connection to them, though. Your integrity and self-worth isn't worth losing over him, honestly.

    BTW, I just started following your blog awhile ago...and just wanted to tell you it's great reading it.

    Keep up the good work!

    Stay lovely.

    Maria xxx