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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

sane[ish] [105-108]

day 105 255.3
day 106 254.9
day 107 255.0
day 108 255.3
day 109 255.5

so basically i ended up where i started. which is fine, i suppose. sunday was a binge-tack-u-lar day. monday turned out to be fairly easy as she didn't eat till dinner and we went to a pizza joint where i had a salad. so, hopefully after another week or two without binge-inducing influences ill be back in the 40's.

i dunno, i go back and forth as far as eating habits go. sometimes its like, why bother? and other times it's just like... who cares about food at all? maybe i'm just in a weird head space right now. i'm missing having a boyfriend, someone to love. probably putting me in the wrong place mentally.
things are mostly going fine with ted. we've kind of resigned ourselves to the situation, and it's working for us, for the time being. we are still flirting too much, but he knows i can't meet him, and he accepts it. even supports me when other boys call.

i still don't get it.

other boys have been calling, even sweet ones. but i don't how i feel about the situation. i find myself not wanting to really put myself out there emotionally.

i'll flirt, i'll laugh, but i can feel myself not allowing myself to really like them.

who knows, maybe i'm just in it too deep to really see the situation for what it is.

there's a new date on the horizon. he wanted to meet for drinks last night, i suggested a phone call, we talked for a few hours. it makes me sad that i'm not giddy, i should be over a new boy. oh well, we'll see. maybe he'll sweep me off my feet.

i feel like a lame dateless ana...

who is addicted to comments, and is sad when she doesn't receive any. [LAME!]

maybe im getting my period, it's about time.

good luck my lovies.

Friday, September 3, 2010

a hint

one of the portraits ted drew of me, back when we first met. it's my favorite.

i think it's fairly accurate. though my top lip is wrong, i have a sharp dip in the middle.
that, and my eyes are obviously enlarged. he has an obsession with my eyes.. so its not unreasonable that he would do that without even realizing it.

enjoy this hint of me.

not feeling quite so crazy [104]

day 104

weigh in: 255.5

day 105

weigh in: 255.3

i didn't want to weigh myself this morning, i was convinced i had gained more weight. oddly i went down. even if it is only a tiny bit, i'll take it.
ted is still on his trip and he did a lot of driving yesterday.

thankfully some distance allowed me to get my head on [at least a little] straighter.

i still crave his attention and all the little sweet nothings.. though "sweet nothing" feels like an inappropriate term for what we do.

my hard work flirting has paid off.

i feel less despair.. less like my world will implode because ted is married and can never be with me.

i don't think a date is going to happen before ted comes home, but the promise of a date seems to be enough.

i guess we'll see what happens when he gets home... and hes so.. reachable....

oie... bad robin.

new boys! new boys, i say!

hopefully i wont need to fuck my friend. that's just problems waiting to happen.

wish me luck with ted, and luck this weekend in not binging.

love you darlings.
liz: thank you, lovie.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

zero progress [103]

day 103

weigh in: 254.9

day 104

weigh in: 255.5

nothing really eventful to share. i gained weight because i ate too late. i hope i do better tomorrow. 250 really isn't an option unless i just not eat at all.. deep sigh.
more issues with ted.

nothing productive to be said.

i'm flirting as hard as i can with a number of men. even forming a few crushes.. but they don't compare.

three have actively asked me out, though none have made any solid plans with me. if i can't at least get a date before he comes home, i think i'm going to have to invite my friend over to distract me.

i am concerned about what might happen, he makes me feel very weak.

at least i dreamt about warren last night. we were chatting online, which is weird because i don't have his IM information. things were as of old.. but i know this will never happen.. i should really delete him from my phone, but i can't seem to make myself do it.

eh, warren is the least of my problems.

must get new date. i think even if i get a kiss it will help... provided it's not terrible.

who knows. i surely don't.

wish me luck, my lovelies.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

i told ted.... [102]

day 102

weigh in: 255.3

i ate like a cow, but i had salads.. so it couldn't be too terrible.

day 103

weigh in: 254.9

i had some tea [with maybe 1/4 a cup non fat milk] and a banana for breakfast, and i brought a 270 cal salad for lunch. cross your fingers for me. i will be in the 40's before my friend gets here this weekend... god i need it so bad. hopefully if im back down under 250 it wont be too hard on me to recover when she wants to go to pizza joints and mcdonalds at 4 in the morning... oie. i love her to death.. but it's SO bad for me...

saying i'll binge one day and be good the other is a complete lie.. i should just say i'll be as good as i can whenever i can.. so when we go to the pizza joint, i order salad instead of pizza...or if i'm feeling exceptionally helpless, just have an individual sized pizza instead. reduce as much as possible, and have small meals. [she likes to eat one or two exceptionally big ones] be conscious of it.. don't give into the binge.

i'm feeling so helpless in other aspects of my life.. i fear that my eating will soon join them.. but i just need to remind my self, that i will receive nothing good from eating that extra slice of pizza.. the taste is not fucking worth hating myself every second of every day.

yay for being the crazy lady...
so.. i gave ted the url to my blog..

really unwise move.. but i did it anyway.

he makes me crazy.. passionate... i love it... and i hate that i love it.

grahh.. i told him i needed to get under someone else.. and he totally supports me.. which i don't understand. the mere idea of him touching someone else makes me physically ill.

the weird thing is i love making him jealous. it excites me, knowing how passionately, violently [he'd never hurt me, don't stress!] jealous he gets at the mere thought of me with another guy... even if it's not sexual.

since he knows the url to my blog now i can quote him without fear of it being an easy way to find this safe place... oddly to me, it still feels safe.

after he read the post i did about our first meeting.. i thought he would reject me.. instead, he told me it was honest and accurate..

he accepts me unconditionally.. and i really don't know how to understand that.

i think my favorite line, was in a poem he wrote for me...

"milk & honey skin...beautiful pleading eyes...full kissable"

kind of a metaphor for our relationship.. however, i'm not so much saying no anymore..

i NEED to get under someone new before he comes home this weekend.. i need to be blissed out so i don't come to him. i want to.. but i know it's so wrong.

i might as well go kill puppies.

if he touched me.. if we were together.. would i be liberated.. or fall into deep despair?

i don't like feeling this way.

i want to not care.

this is why i was looking for semi shallow relationships because i don't want to care if a guy goes to a strip club, i don't want to care if [excuse me, i should say WHEN not if] he looks at another girl.

being in a relationship makes you crazy because you care when they aren't loving you enough.

i really really want to not care...

okay... let's find someone to fuck my brains out till i don't care anymore...

seriously, at this point.. damn near anyone will do, so long as they can make me not want him.... just for a little while...... please?

sorry if my crazy is showing.. i know i do it a lot.. i just feel very conflicted.

he knows all this.. and still, he loves me.

god, why?
liz: the problem is i can't hate him. it'd be so much simpler if i could.

im kind of thinking i need to use that friend of mine to get ted out of my head. if i cant find a suitable date before this weekend, i very well may ask him over.
maria conforti: thank you. i needed to hear that.

though, perhaps cheating isn't the right word. she married him literally to raise his children, though she was a gf at the time. things were getting out of hand for him, and she offered to help if he married her and supported her. TRUE, he could be lying about that.. as there's no way to know without actually asking her... but i want to believe him so badly it hurts.

-must fuck someone elseeeee-

[sorry] thank you again, darling. i really appreciate it, even if i sound like an obnoxious juvenile jerk who refuses to hear the truth.