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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

i told ted.... [102]

day 102

weigh in: 255.3

i ate like a cow, but i had salads.. so it couldn't be too terrible.

day 103

weigh in: 254.9

i had some tea [with maybe 1/4 a cup non fat milk] and a banana for breakfast, and i brought a 270 cal salad for lunch. cross your fingers for me. i will be in the 40's before my friend gets here this weekend... god i need it so bad. hopefully if im back down under 250 it wont be too hard on me to recover when she wants to go to pizza joints and mcdonalds at 4 in the morning... oie. i love her to death.. but it's SO bad for me...

saying i'll binge one day and be good the other is a complete lie.. i should just say i'll be as good as i can whenever i can.. so when we go to the pizza joint, i order salad instead of pizza...or if i'm feeling exceptionally helpless, just have an individual sized pizza instead. reduce as much as possible, and have small meals. [she likes to eat one or two exceptionally big ones] be conscious of it.. don't give into the binge.

i'm feeling so helpless in other aspects of my life.. i fear that my eating will soon join them.. but i just need to remind my self, that i will receive nothing good from eating that extra slice of pizza.. the taste is not fucking worth hating myself every second of every day.

yay for being the crazy lady...
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so.. i gave ted the url to my blog..

really unwise move.. but i did it anyway.

he makes me crazy.. passionate... i love it... and i hate that i love it.

grahh.. i told him i needed to get under someone else.. and he totally supports me.. which i don't understand. the mere idea of him touching someone else makes me physically ill.

the weird thing is i love making him jealous. it excites me, knowing how passionately, violently [he'd never hurt me, don't stress!] jealous he gets at the mere thought of me with another guy... even if it's not sexual.

since he knows the url to my blog now i can quote him without fear of it being an easy way to find this safe place... oddly to me, it still feels safe.

after he read the post i did about our first meeting.. i thought he would reject me.. instead, he told me it was honest and accurate..

he accepts me unconditionally.. and i really don't know how to understand that.

i think my favorite line, was in a poem he wrote for me...

"milk & honey skin...beautiful pleading eyes...full kissable lips...saying...no."

kind of a metaphor for our relationship.. however, i'm not so much saying no anymore..

i NEED to get under someone new before he comes home this weekend.. i need to be blissed out so i don't come to him. i want to.. but i know it's so wrong.

i might as well go kill puppies.

if he touched me.. if we were together.. would i be liberated.. or fall into deep despair?

i don't like feeling this way.

i want to not care.

this is why i was looking for semi shallow relationships because i don't want to care if a guy goes to a strip club, i don't want to care if [excuse me, i should say WHEN not if] he looks at another girl.

being in a relationship makes you crazy because you care when they aren't loving you enough.

i really really want to not care...

okay... let's find someone to fuck my brains out till i don't care anymore...

seriously, at this point.. damn near anyone will do, so long as they can make me not want him.... just for a little while...... please?

sorry if my crazy is showing.. i know i do it a lot.. i just feel very conflicted.

he knows all this.. and still, he loves me.

god, why?
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liz: the problem is i can't hate him. it'd be so much simpler if i could.

im kind of thinking i need to use that friend of mine to get ted out of my head. if i cant find a suitable date before this weekend, i very well may ask him over.
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maria conforti: thank you. i needed to hear that.

though, perhaps cheating isn't the right word. she married him literally to raise his children, though she was a gf at the time. things were getting out of hand for him, and she offered to help if he married her and supported her. TRUE, he could be lying about that.. as there's no way to know without actually asking her... but i want to believe him so badly it hurts.

-must fuck someone elseeeee-

[sorry] thank you again, darling. i really appreciate it, even if i sound like an obnoxious juvenile jerk who refuses to hear the truth.

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