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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

hello my name is...

-edit- i wussed out and deleted my name and random tangent about my name.

so..

ive been away as im sure youve noticed.. if you even remember me anymore.

life has changed.
i have changed.

looking in a new direction.

im thinking of making a new blog because i dont like my life to be based around the desire "to be thin" anymore. the ideal of being locked into this all consuming obsession about my disordered eating habits, body size, shape and weight. [pardon the pun]

i havent decided about that.
i have decided that i am going to blog again AND i'm going to be more "me" and less "robin"

no, i'm not going to advertise my blog to friends and family.. as, well.. it's a diary of sorts... it's private.. sort of.. and id rather not..

i'm back. for now at least.
you can thank the bloggess for that, making me miss blogging and all.

if you're still out there, drop me a line. itd be nice to know.

ps. kat dennings[above] is probably the hottest woman on the planet.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

vacation and ive gone nowhere.

blah. dieting is sucky.. boys are sucky.. everything is sucky.

random thoughts spill forth from my mouth to my keys.. enjoy.

vegas [my vacation] only made me put on weight, i weighed in this morning at 268.7 not really sure what to do with it. trying to get back on track... a diet i can follow.. something to keep to long term and not create problems. seems like whenever i eat bad things.. its never worth it even while im consuming it i think to myself.. this really wasnt as good as i hoped it would be.. i should do something else.. right?

guy#3 is on a no carb lots o meat and cheese diet and its working for him. considering dropping carbs [which is easy for me if i can have all the cheese i want] and seeing where it takes me.

ive been kind of grossed out by meat lately. thinking of dead animals makes me sad.. im such a bleeding heart.. why am i eating them?

ive decided i refuse to feel guilty for buying things like raspberries and smoothies just because they are expensive. id pay a couple grand to be skinny.. why not spend it on more expensive healthy food?

i made my own grenadine the other day. its amazing... and actually not that bad for you.

i dunno.

food always sucks.

ive had 4 mini meals today thus far all heavy in protien. i feel like a pig.

also taking vitamins now and wearing sunscreen.. trying to keep up with it. on day 3 or 4 of it.. we'll see.

oh, and.. my b-day happened while i was in vegas.. 25 now.

supposed to have been at max's house for 19 hours now.. he passed out last night so i stayed here. i have yet to hear from him and im getting pissed off. pretty much have decided to ignore him when and if he calls. someone had better be bleeding or im not talking to him.

texted like 6 different friends to go out with me, none are responsive and free. thinking of going out alone and leaving my phone behind. im such a wuss about not answering my phone.

-edit- of course i answered. fighting. yay.
-edit edit- maybe im seeing him. dunno. blarg.

things with max are in a sucky place to begin with.. now this too? i think hes given up trying to get clean... just when i started thinking about a future with him.

i dont think he gets it. i bought a real sized tube of toothpaste to leave at his place.. a pillow to leave there.. i had stopped thinking of him as this guy i was just seeing til it fell apart.. i was beginning to see him next to me. for real. was even getting close to saying i love you.. now i just feel ridiculous.

clearly his use is more important than me.. more than i ever will be. hes a user first and my bf second. he says its not like that.. but i just dont buy it. if it was an "im weak, i cant do it on my own" id get it.. hell i have such a relationship with food... but i never think to myself.. yeah lets be disgusting and binge.. its out of a place of weakness.. not choice.

thats the difference to me.

i dunno what to do.

not happy, yet again...

though, am i ever?

Saturday, April 30, 2011

disconnected

im quickly running out of time and i have so much to accomplish.

ive started baking which is holding me back in weight loss because max's roommate and the other roommate's gf had birthdays this last week. funny how that gf is now banging the roommate im crushing on in addition to the father of her child and others i know of.. so shes now had 3 of the 4 men living in that house including max.. and i dont know if shes had the 4th.. its possible... [of course not including her kid..ew]

i dunno what to do with me. i need to work out a plan. i need a lot of things. crap is not one of them..

[WARNING: sex talk may get a lil graphic]

things with max are improving.. sort of. the thing with his roommates got out of hand so hes decided to quit.. to spite them. he's slipped once since then when someone left him a taste at work without knowing he was trying to clean up, but other than that hes been clean. he was worried he wouldnt be able to make me cum while he was clean because it keeps him from cumming as fast, but he did so on his first try, so not to worry... too much.

we've been fighting more. things are fine in text.. sweet even, but in person its different. dunno why. i feel so disconnected from him. cold. after a teeny fight earlier week he asked me where i was because i wasnt there with him. i just turn off. the light in my eyes was gone. a defense mechanism i formed while with the ex so i could still let him hold me to prevent arguments while i was still upset with him.

sex has been different. i used to tell max i loved cumming with him because it made me feel connected.. complete.. the last time we fucked i just kept looking up at him and his closed eyes and felt a million miles away.

he doesnt really seduce me anymore. we barely even kiss before we fuck... and yes i use the word fuck because its appropriate for what we do. i hate the term 'make love' but id prefer it to whats been happening. suddenly 'she who doesnt want a relationship' doesnt want to just fuck anymore.. i want to connect.

he fondles me a little usually in a spooning position so theres no kissing, then gets me off manually for a bit before he fucks me. the process is over in 5-10 min.

is it wrong that i want more? i feel like my window of opportunity has past. that ive let this go on so long that he doesnt think hes supposed to do anything else. and for the most part my sexual needs are being met.. but not my emotional ones.

my period is around the corner so i realize i need to take how i feel with a grain of salt.. but ive been thinking this for a few weeks now and it doesnt seem unreasonable.

i dunno.

most of me doesnt feel like i deserve what i get already. maybe i just need to shut up and be appreciative for what i do get.

i was over at his house last night and we just got sarcastic and snarky. dont know why it started, he probably said something that made me defensive that in turn also made me sarcastic and passive. [odd combo i know] his withdrawl makes him super sleepy so he fell asleep after a few hours and i went home to sleep because i hate being around sleeping people at night. makes me feel fidgety like im trapped. another something that started while living with the ex... that has remained in his absence.

ive been thinking about the ex a lot lately. i cant even remember what he looks like aside from the pictures ive seen of him. no real life images of his face have been saved in my head.. i can remember all sorts of things happening but hes faceless in them.. i dont 'see' him any more. makes me feel weird.

havent heard from max today.

wonder if more fighting will occur today. hope not. i like him better when hes sweet.

liz: thanks for looking out for me lovie. hes not abusive, dont worry.. i just am not happy.. like always.

love you.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

great, bad and back to good again

so things have been pretty much as the title informs you.

weight has stayed the same.. grr. i seem to loose control half the week then behave like crazy the other half.. and it all ends up the same. havent figured out how to break the cycle yet.

spending time at max's helps. i rarely eat there... though i usually eat dinner before i go over.. so it rarely makes a difference except when i spend the night.

as far as things with max go.. well.. it was bad for awhile. i feel like all our cards are out on the table now.

he had to deal with his quasi ex recently because she finally wanted to pick up her things from his place and that created problems. he told me he was stressed about seeing her again because previously he had been obsessed with her and was concerned shed get back in his head. he told me about her because he felt like he needed to be straight with me, which i both appreciate and fear. its hard for me to deal with other women because i feel so inadequate all the time... him telling me about her made me come out and tell him my dirty little secrets, that i was crushing on his roommate and guy #3. he took the information remarkably well.. much better than i would have. mostly just felt defensive around his roommate... something he already was. he could see through my lies. somehow this relieved some tension in our relationship.

another mile stone in our relationship occurred in my absence from you guys... he used in front of me for the first time. then proceeded to do hits repeatedly all weekend and most of this week. it upsets me but part of me is like "we always knew this..why is it different?" he kind of looses his mind when hes on it. the first night was okay.. in fact he was more lucid after his first use than he was before it.. in his lucid state we had a really serious talk about us that made me feel more secure in our relationship.. and made me feel like we had something sincere... after that his mind just sort of slowly unraveled throughout the week.. in my opinion primarily from lack of sleep. his friends are kind of getting on his case about it.. which i sort of understand.. but i also get that hes defiant.. and telling him not to do something will only make him want to do it, just to spite you.

i dont really know what to do about it.. one day it will come down to me or it. he says hed like to think hed quit for me.. but im not so optimistic... as per usual. lol

we're in a good place as of now. placid. dunno how long it will last. he needs to sleep.. so do i.. but i keep thinking about the half eaten pint of ben and jerry's in the freezer.

oie.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

unsatisfied

i had a few more otter pops last night, definitely stayed under 1200 though. 975 today. oddly i dont so much care about it today. i feel fat but thats pretty fair considering my weight.

its been raining a lot in california lately, over the last couple of days the sun has come out and its started to smell like summer...

summer for me always makes me think of change and the past. since i was going to college, my world kind of revolved around the school year and summer break. mostly i moved every summer and had continued that with apartments after college. now it feels like i need more change.. i need to move back to my city... and i probably need to dump max.

guy#3 is goring into my brain.. but thats not why.

part of me thinks i should stay with max for the next month just to prove a point to myself..

the other part of me realizes that if im unhappy i need to make changes to be happy.

its kind of how things were with the ex before i broke up with him, i was unhappy but i wasnt unhappy enough to end something i thought id miss. i think ill miss max.. and it seems stupid to leave that especially when i have no intention of dating anyone else, regardless of crushes.

how can i be with someone when i cant be with myself? i need to fix me first... but i keep getting distracted by cute boys.

max isnt cutting it. im unsatisfied.

i want to be fulfilled.

i need to start with me.

i have given max an uninformed and unofficial weekend to prove to me that i want to be with him... which means, although i havent told him about this, and i dont know if ill really go through with it regardless, hes got this weekend to change my mind in order to keep me.

im not on an emotional bender anymore.. so maybe ill have my head on a little straighter after this weekend.

we'll see.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

confusion

okay, so food first as always:

i didnt realize i had like 3 days to loose 10 lbs.. so my goals have shifted slightly.

if i break 260 by the end of march ill be pleased.

we'll see.

i had roughly 2000 yesterday and 1035 today. might have a couple more otter pops later tonight. im full so im not really worried. dependent on what my weigh in is tomorrow i might have primarily light soy milk to consume tomorrow. have to put together something resembling lunch for work, but im okay with a lil starving to break 60 and liquid calories dont seem to count for much with my body as long as i dont got insane.

okay so.. confusion...

remember that guy [guy#3] i mentioned during my love life recap?
he of the amazing sex skills?
only other bf besides "the ex" and max?

yeah well, i recently confessed to a friend that its a good thing he has a gf because id prolly want him back if he were single...

guess what facebook informs me of?
hes single now..

crap...

doesnt help that things with max have been shaky lately.
also doesnt help that i sent him a text telling him i always had "maybe" in the back of my mind..
sure as fuck doesnt help that he wrote back saying he felt the same way..

whimper..

what does help is knowing that hes leaving the state in a month, and that he potentially is still messed up about his other ex.

im not going to do anything. i mean, why muss up what i have with max over a month of "maybe"?

it does make me wonder if i want to be with max at all though, regardless of guy#3.

the last time i saw him it was a mix of happy to see him followed by wanting to cry and feeling emotionally cut off from him.. i know my period is close.. so im not really rational right now..

but still.

max was never right for me, hes just really sweet. my emotional, intellectual and physical affection needs arent being met...which makes me sad.

is sweet enough?

having an enormous dick that can give me multiple orgasms during sex doesnt hurt.. not one little bit..

i dont know.

two weekends ago i was looking into his eyes while we laid in bed together and i thought to myself, "what are you doing? this is ridiculous, break up with him" but i didnt.. days later i missed him...

im just kind of waiting and seeing what comes of it.

waiting for him to give me a reason to cut him off.

..little reasons dont seem to justify it, is there anything big enough?

is he what i want?

i dont know.

Monday, March 28, 2011

new plan ideas

everyone can crash diet for a specific amount of time.. its the FOREVER that musses us up, right?

well, at the end of may ill be going on a trip. i really want to be thinner before that for a myriad of reasons but a large one of those being the flight to it.

heres my plan:

today is a day of saying goodbye to binge and getting whatever i have out of my system.

starting tomorrow im going to diet as much as possible. definatly no more than 1200 a day, probably much less. no binge type food ither.. there will still be allowed one day of drinking per week as its something max and his house likes to do, and i dont want to be left out.. but other than that no luxury items. i have bought some otter pops [15 cals a pop] and that should help curb my sugar craving.

i know i can commit to a month and a half.

i CAN do this.

i WILL do this.

short term goals include:

end of march: 255

end of april: 240

by trip [may 18th-ish]:230

as long as im under 240/loosely in my size 20's by the trip i wont be disheartened but these are my wishes. id love to be a 16 by then.. we'll see.

cross your fingers for me.

suggestions on motivation would be greatly appreciated. im thinking of hanging my skinny jeans up on the wall.. oh the joys of living alone lol.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

sorry ive been away

i keep meaning to post but i avoid it because things havent been going well.

ive gained something like 3 lbs..

blahh..

i need to get my act together but it never seems to pan out.

all day at work i behave.. then i go home and think.. hmm what now? i dunno.

theres been a ton o drama with max.. but none of it seems horribly relevant. we'll break up eventually. we have to. we're not compatible people... i dunno, still like him even if we arent right for each other...

i dunno.

ill get back to you guys. wish me luck..

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

the desire for something frivolous

so, since today is the first, i finally weighed myself ..and im up .2 lbs. there was binging while i was gone and yesterday was the first day of my period.. so im not really surprised.. honestly, im just thankful to not have broken 260.

though it may not seem as such to the outside observer.. i seem to be getting a hold of myself slowly but surly.. its something in my mindset.. a slow change from insanity to calm collected and methodical.. and in the spirt of new plans, ive decided to take a new approach to weight loss.

im saving money for sf.. [so therefore im poor as everything is getting saved instead] BUT! im still a girl, and i like pretty things... sooooooo.. for every day i expend under 1200 cals i get 10 dollars towards something frivolous. [i also get one night a week of "calorie free drinking"]

i probably would have spent said 10 dollars on food anyway if i surpassed 1200 cals.. so really its not cutting much into my savings.

today is a somewhat iffy day since i had coffee this morning for breakfast as a test run for meal replacement and im not 100% sure how much creamer got put into it [and therefore calories] but ither way im within 100 cals of 1200 and since its day one of the new program.. as incentive to get my shit together.. ive decided to wave the day and call it my first 10 dollars.

ive had a couple of 1200 days prior to this and it wasnt a problem... so i think this is totally realistic. mostly ive been eating as little as possible during the day and then having a crave type food for dinner [primarily lasagna lately] to avoid binges from lack of fulfillment.

i got to that weak dizzy place at work today, and it was lovely.. i love that kind of drunk feeling you get from not eating... is that terrible? kind of a weird thing to enjoy... i dunno. maybe im crazy.

wish me luck and pretty things :)

Monday, February 28, 2011

got a bf and a good feeling

so, a lot has happened between here and the last time i posted. max did confess he doesnt like the way his roommate looks at me sometimes, so at least i got confirmation. i kind of get the impression max said something to him as he seems to be kind of keeping his distance... which is sucky.. and kinda fair. i think as the relationship progresses max will become more comfortable seeing me in front of other men. though, its a good thing he doesnt see me with some of the other guys i know.. damn they arent subtle.. and those guys actively do want me.. not just per-maybe-haps.

i spent most of the weekend with him and it was really nice minus a minor fight we had over a misunderstanding that prompted a talk about his "lifestyle" that continued into today. we came out other end of the conversation in a relationship, and oddly... i feel pretty good about it. im not worried about the boys i dont get to have because im with max... mostly im just worried about things that are ridiculous to worry about with a guy ive only been seeing two months... but little miss compulsive cant just let things go, she sees into the future and picks apart the present.

i worry about things like hes a pack a day smoker.. his drinking.. his using... things like his room is always a mess even after we clean it... and the fact that he didnt go to college so hope of beyond minimum wage jobs and a comfortable lifestyle in the future is unlikely. the compulsive in me fights the way i feel.. but maybe i should just enjoy the beauty of today, and ignore the impending doom of tomorrow.

durring the talk i told him i felt like a hypocrite for hiding things from him so i told him my secrets and also about ana. it feels kinda nice, though also weird. i guess we'll see what happens the next time i eat in front of him. will he be watching now? he says i eat healthy.. which is true in part. what i do end up eating is generally healthy [minus binges] it's what i dont eat that causes problems. he says he will support me in any way he can... which is all he really can do.. which is all i really want from him.

so, in short: i have a bf.. and im feeling good :)

*note: i bought an adorable little mr coffee and am now experimenting in meal replacement with coffee. also trying to find ways to doctor it in low cal ways that dont involve excessive use of equal. wish me luck.

Monday, February 21, 2011

drinking and jealousy?

...so friday night i went over to the boys house [who ive decided to name max] drank heavily and hung out with his roommate, his [other] roommates gf, and her kid [15 year old boy].

beginning to note that theres going to be problems with me hanging out with his roommate. max told me a few weeks ago he was concerned his roommate would form a crush on me because the last girl he dated that was like me [nice] the roommate liked as well, max also said he was concerned because we have similar tastes and he felt like wed hit it off.

anyhow... i drank a bottle and a fourth of cheap wine and got rather sloshed. the four of us talked for hours. i traded off between people and had at length conversations with all of them except really max because if we're going to talk to just each other we might as well be alone in the comforts of his bed under the blankets...

so the evening starts winding down and and the other roommates gf and her kid disappear, im not sure to where.. and im left with max and his roommate. the three of us have talked at length before, though i usually keep pretty quiet because the types of conversations that appeal to max dont ordinarily appeal to me. in this particular situation the roommate and i start debating what the actual meaning of juxtaposition is and after about five minutes max storms off. i'm not really sure whats going on besides that he started sort of yelling at me part way through it. i'm not really one to follow someone who yells at me so i just stay out in the kitchen and talk to the roommate one on one. after awhile he says to me that this perhaps isnt wise. stating that although what we do is completely innocent, max is probably stewing in his room thinking terrible things. so i wait him out a bit longer but eventually decide to go and see whats up.. we promptly have a fight where he accuses me of ignoring him and flirting with his roommate. i dont really understand this.

maybe he knows his roommate well enough to see the signs and is feeling threatened..

maybe he's said something when i wasnt around..

maybe i was just feeling hurt because earlier in the evening he made commentary about the fact that i wont tell him i love him [because i dont] and he said he loved me but wasnt "in love" with me.. which i think is complete bullshit.. you ither love someone or you dont, theres no love vs in love.. there is no half way.. thats why i dont say it, because i dont mean it.. and clearly he doesnt ither..

whatever..

he claims he was just drunk and stupid.. which i think is just a lie he wants to believe.. when in reality his accusations are more on base with why hes upset.

the funny thing about this is hes had sex with the other roommates girlfriend. so i'm hanging out with a girl hes had his dick in and up until we started seeing each other, he was still trying to bed... and im totally fine. hell, i like her a lot... though there was one particular instance where i ran off to his room to fetch something for him and when i came back i couldnt really see what was going on but i got a weird vibe.. i dunno i think i was just being paranoid.. but still. im not toiling away stressing about the woman i know he would happily fuck were i not around... but hes obsessing about this..

i dont know..

part of him is right to worry.. i do find the roommate attractive, and honestly he is "my type" [physically and mentally] but i like max and im not going to cheat on him for some passing fancy.

part of me also likes the idea of making him jealous.. it gets me kinda hot to think of him all fire-y over me wanting to assert his claim over me.. ah the joys of being submissive and liking dominate men... lol

oh well.

so that was friday night.. i drove from his place to my parents that morning and hung out there for awhile before max started texting me saying he missed me etc. i told him if he split the cost of the trip with me id come, so i did... and i JUST got home [almost two days later] from his place. i didnt just spend sat night, but all of sunday and most of today at his place... so the fast didnt happen as planned, but i did eat primarily healthily. there was one fast food meal.. but the rest was cheese sticks, grapes, carrots, pretzels and a turkey sandwich. oh i also made smores for max and the other people in his house but i only had a couple marshmallows with gram crackers, no chocolate, and i left the remainder of the fixins at his place so i couldnt eat them later. over all, id say i did fine food wise. no real binging, just that fast food blech.

i still want to restrict this week.
i need to not get caught up in romance..
yet still.. im kind of distracted by my love life.

i like max, but seeing his clear displeasure in my presence around his roommate makes me think we are fundamentally flawed aside from the obvious. we are different people and seeing me connect with someone on an intellectual level bothers him a lot, perhaps because he feels like we dont. we can hang out and giggle together.. but do we stimulate each other aside from sexually?

dunno. too soon to say.

also, on a separate note i got a text from ted saying he missed me.. i havent responded.. dont really know what to do with that. i cant handle his insanity and i dont want to ither.

Friday, February 18, 2011

a question i heard on the radio...

...a question ive heard many times before.

"would you trade sex for a year to be thin?"

my instant reaction is YES, dear CHRIST yes!

..then i think a little..

is my desire for food stronger than my desire for sex? in my absence from blogger that binge-tastic friend of mine came to town and when we were out i sat across from her looking down at pizza or whatever i had ordered and i thought to myself.. and aloud.. id rather have the boy fuck my brains out than eat this.. id MUCH rather have sex.

then i start to dissect the question, as compulsive types like myself tend to do. does this mean if i have no sex for a year ill be skinny FOREVER? regardless of what i eat or do? hmm this sounds interesting. clearly i can sacrifice for a year to be skinny for life.. then i think, if i can sacrifice sex, why cant i sacrifice binge-e food for a year? if i got that low, it wouldnt be nearly as hard to maintain as it is now. i mean hell, im what? 50? 60? lbs lighter than where i started and i have no issue keeping from going back. but there would always be give and take.

throughout my thoughts, the radio is dissecting the question as well, the female says I WOULD TOTALLY DO THAT... then the male asks her if shed be willing to risk the damage it would do to her marriage? which made me think.. hm i guess that means id have to sacrifice the boy to be skinny. then i thought, does that include me giving him blow jobs if i dont receive? isnt the heart of the question, "can you deny yourself pleasure and orgasm for a year to be skinny?" does that really have to involve selfless acts to keep ur partner happy?

i dont know. if i were single now, id say yes. definitely.. but part of me isnt willing to throw out this failed relationship that makes me happy in order to be thin. while writing this i note that i am virtually saying i prefer him than the whole of what my obsession my whole life has been.. what i dedicate this blog to, in fact the fucking title of this blog "to be thin". should it be renamed "to be loved"? oie. head case.

i need to grow up and grow a pair.
cant i be responsible for myself?
shouldnt i be?

i need to come up with questions to ask myself in the face of a binge.

things like:
would i rather go see the boy and have sex instead of spending that money on fast food?
would i rather hit that goal weight and allow myself to buy something pertty?
would i rather be not ashamed of myself every second of every day?

i think i need to do something rational for once. a diet plan that will work over time, though it may take longer than desired.. one that will prevent me from binging but also prevent me from starving too..

in the words of addict: i dunno, ill figure it out after my week and a half of restriction.

wish me luck :)

Thursday, February 17, 2011

in attempt to prevent freak outs next week during my restrictions.. and likewise, binges from hopelessness.. ive decided not to weigh myself till the first of march. egads. ever get that buzz first thing in the morning when youre so proud of yourself for starving admirably the day before, and youre waiting for the pay off on the scale? yeah, well. none for me, for the next week and a half. suck it, psychosis.

blarg

so my weigh in this morning was 259.3, which is fine. i think tomorrow will be worse cause i was binge-tastic. i think im under 2000 for the day, but not really sure. when i left the office i was at roughly 715 then i had fast food.

tomorrow im visiting the boy after work and spending the night there, then driving to see my parents from his place. since im going to be alone, ive decided sunday will be a liquid fast day [orange juice and or light chocolate soy milk] and for the remainder of the month im going to restrict heavily. the goal is to stay under 500 a day, but definitely no more than 1000. its only 9 days, i can totally do that. right?

anyone who wants in [even in a different varient] or to offer support, please speak up. id be happy to exchange numbers with anyone in the us, and i can email with anyone outside. drop me a comment and we'll exchange info.

nothing else to report.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

oh ana, how did i stay away from you?

funny how easily ana slips back into my life. her cold arms embrace me and she whispers dark sweetness in my ear, telling me its all so simple. that really, starving myself is easy... and it will give me everything i want. oh ana, my secret lover, will i ever really leave you? or will i forever be worshiping at ur throne?

i truly believe down to my core if i ever get down to a place of normalcy, a place where im not technically "over weight".. that ill be able to stop. that being able to blend in will be enough. will i ever see that day? will i ever make it down into the dress sizes of the standard folk? if i get there.. will it be enough? part of me appreciates these months where i plateaued. showing me i can walk away from ana. where i ate insanely and only gained about 10 lbs. makes me think if i have some sanity in my hands id be able to maintain... i suppose well see.

so things yesterday were fine. great even. i went over to the boys house and i helped him clean his room which actually made me sweat a teeny bit... then with the other *cough* activities... which also made me sweat. it was actually a really lovely time. total 180 from the last week when i was convinced he didnt want me anymore. he gave me all the attention and affection in the world, with infinite smiles and kisses. i was supposed to go home at 8pm, but about an hour before that he told me he wanted me to stay later. around 10:30 we crawled into bed to watch cartoons and he asked me to spend the night because he didnt want me to leave, because he wanted to keep me in bed and hold me. i fell asleep on his shoulder and woke up randomly at about 2:30 am so i decided to drive home instead of facing traffic in the morning. over all, the day was wonderful.

maybe it really was just the using. though, that does put the fear into me of when he takes his next hit. prior to the most recent incidence, he didnt use for about 2 weeks before that. seems kinda silly to wait until youve gone all the way through withdrawal and then have more.. i dunno. i dont want to mother him, so im avoiding the issue til i cant anymore. he knows how i feel about it, and hes considerate enough to not do the harder stuff around me, so its easy to pretend most of the time. still.. i cant date a drug addict.. even though i sorta already am... i just dont want a bf that disappears or is unreliable. plus, i worry about the damage it does to him... says the girl knowingly starving herself...... lol im such a hypocrite. i havent told him about ana yet. ive said little things like "i have an odd relationship with food" and he knows i dont like eating in front of him, or really any guy. with him its worse, hes tiny, about 135 and one to two inches shorter than me. though, on the plus side, he doesnt eat much himself so theres rarely raised eyebrows when i dont eat, even if i see him from 2pm-2am. [like yesterday] part of me wants to tell him, it just seems a little ridiculous to tell a guy almost half my size that im starving myself. clearly it aint working.. yet! :P

as far as food goes, before i left for his place i had 2 hummus sandwiches which were aprox 330 cals together. i didnt weigh the hummus so i rounded up just incase. when i got home i had a glass of orange juice [110] so for the day i had aprox 450ish cals including the swig of orange juice i had earlier that morning.

today i ate more, im not trying to restrict too stringently, yet. i had...

2 medifast bars[220 together]
humus and bread [aprox 210]
ten or so m and m's [40?]
some carrots[50?]
a lil mac and cheese bowl [220]
a mini lasagna [350]

im done eating for the day. i expect to go up some, but as long as i stay under 260, i dont really care. its my objective to get back under 250 this month, and i would really love to be a size 16 [i think i need to be aprox 225 for that] by my birthday [end of may] ..but im not holding my breath.

would be nice though.

-edit- i lied, still hungry, going to go heat something else up and pray i remain under 260 though eating this late is begging for problems. cross your fingers for me.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

liquid-ish fast


day god knows what:
weigh in: 262.3
plan:
stay as low as possible but stay within the parameters of up to:
one full carton of orange juice [880]
one can of chicken soup [150]
no more, possibly less.

things to do to keep busy:
drive my donations to good will
buy laundry bags
mani/pedi
blogs

reading through my old posts this really isnt much of a fast.. but going from binge mode to eating properly for a couple days to this.. it seems safe enough to actually be possible.

i dont want to go back to days of 300 calories.. but knowing me thats where ill be in a month. i just want to get back to reality.

isnt there a place between 300 and 3000? i want something sustainable. realistic...she says while prepping for a fast.. lol.

ive had a can of diet coke and about a shot of orange juice. no dizzies or head aches yet.

is it weird that i love that weak dizzy feeling? maybe its part of my submissive thing, the desire to be weak and helpless and looked after, protected. plus the dizzies feel like being drunk. if i could remove that empty stomach=hurts thing and the head aches it really wouldnt be so bad, i love the rest of it. miss it.

i dunno.

***end of food talk***

so yesterday was valentines. he actually paid a little more attention to me than he has recently, mostly because he knew i was upset with him and he wanted to fix things. i think hes kind of clueless unless i beat him over the head with things. though he tells me he misses me and loves me all the time, but i dont buy it. maybe im the one that needs to be beaten over the head with things.

i dunno.

at least i kind of know whats going on now. the reason why hes been so non existent is because hes been using and then coming off it. he's been sleeping almost all day every day and thats why he hasnt been texting. its not really an excuse but its the truth. i dont really know what to do with him. he means well, but ultimately disappearing for a week isnt really acceptable if he wants to be my actual bf in the future. im way too attention whorey for that. ive been emotionally shutting down so as not to feel upset that hes not paying attention to me... mostly ive just felt dead inside and i dont really like that, but its better than crying over it.

bah.

much simpler orange juice it is.

-edited to add update-
the guy wants me to come over because he misses me. hes been paying attention to me today and hes fronting me the cost of the visit. maybe it really just was the using. i dunno. ill see how it goes. unfortunately it screws my fasting. i havent had anything since this morning's swig of orange juice but if im going to be there trapped for hours i need to eat something real so i dont like pass out.. and uh so i can have "relations" with him.. tehe. will find something small to eat in the fridge and sub cals from the orange juice for it.

and i was so proud of myself for behaving... bah

still.. boys are cute :)

Sunday, February 13, 2011

my love life since september

****warning this content may.. and probably will be extremely sexually graphic, read at ur own risk***

well, last we really spoke minus my random "hello??? love me???"s.....

guy #1
i was about to go out on a date with a guy whom seemed promising. the first date was awkward. we met in a park and walked around and i felt just odd in general. when we parted ways he hugged me and acted like he meant to kiss me but chickened out. i asked him about it later he said he "thought better of it" our second date he came over to my place and we watched tompopo a strange comedy about food. we made out agressivly afterward, it was nice.. hot.. delicious. my crush grew from there. little did i know, the moment he left my apartment he felt like an old man [roughly 10 years my senior] and decided he didnt want to proceed with me. great, right? i coulda gone ither way after the first date, but the second sucked me in.. and thats when he decides hes not interested lol... oh well. we met up again as friends after that to go on a photo adventure which is the last time ive taken pictures. it was an amazing day, we even took some amazingly beautiful night shots together. i was so blissed out. i hadnt had that much fun in awhile, good thing he had drawn the line in the sand cause i woulda fallen hard for him, even so, we ended up messing around at my place. he didnt have condoms on him [they were in the car] and it was like 3 in the morning and he was exhausted. he thought if he left to get them, he wouldnt be coming back so instead he went down on me, did me with my toy, and i blew him. my god. i didnt think i liked oral sex... i was wrong.. i was a lot of wrong... though to be fair another guy later down the line was more convincing of that fact... but thats a story for a lil later.. anyhow. this guy got me to squirt.. something i didnt think i could do.. but his dick wasnt involved and there was no lube... and there was a mark on the sheets afterward.. so i guess you gotta believe a guy, right? lol oie, seriously. every moment i wasnt moaning in extacsy i was begging him to fuck me.. great right? lol ohhhh well. we hung out a couple of weeks later when i was hiding out from another guy but i havent seen him since then.. oh well. still a nice guy. we occasionally talk on facebook.. but ive found mostly when a guy isnt interested the friendship usually dies down. we're not avoiding each other.. we just dont have much to say without his dick involved :P

guy #2
so, next guy... um this is the guy i just mentioned that i hid out at the first guys place to avoid. lot of drama with him. he never really got a fair chance. i started really talking to him after the first guy had told me he wanted to be friends... but i was still into him. guy #2 fell for me harder than would have been advised. we talked a bunch but he made me feel smothered. made me feel like i was cornered. i told him i was just scared, which is true. i referred to myself as a stray cat that hides under the couch because its scared it will be abused or like eatten or something. he asked me what my "perfect saucer of milk" was. he was sweet.. meant well.. but ultimately pressed too hard so i asked him to back off and stop asking me out. he interpreted this as "fuck off and die" so he invited a friend who was experiencing a time of crisis in her life to come visit and screw all weekend. this went over GREAT with me lol. i basically wrote him off at this point. he told me how he felt how he thought i was blowing him off, even offered to tell her not to come.. but i felt like if he brushed her off, and i denied him id feel guilty. i didnt want to feel that way so i told him to do what he wanted. ITS A TRAAAAPPPPP... dont boys know this? lol anyhow this was the weekend i let ted kiss me.. but its also the weekend i met.....

guy #3
this is the only guy who ive actually declared to be my bf post-fiance.... even if it only lasted 2 official days.. oie. well he and i met while guy#2 was off screwing his friend... and i almost instantaneously liked him. guy#2 tried to get me to see him again after i met #3..but honestly it was too late.. he had again lost out to another guy due to poor timing. guy#3 and i had our first date on 10-10-10.. which he says is binary or something for 42 which all us dorks know is the meaning of life. we had an amazing first date. im usually so nervous and awkward around new guys... as he walked up to me while i leaned against a tree i felt my usual terror.. but he hugged me, held me to him.. and i sighed.. calmed down.. and after that.. it was so simple.. easy. he held my hand and we walked down the main street in his quaint lil rich bay side town. about a 15-30 min walk later, the street met with the bay, we walked down the pier.. and at the end of the pier we faced out looking at the water. he pressed me gently against it putting a hand ither side of me on the railing with me held in his grasp. he kissed the back of my neck and behind my ear and i turned around to face him and have our first kiss. it was magical. it was perfect... minus perhaps his facial hair lol. we went back to his place where hes living with his dad and uncle cause he was currently unemployed. made out for forever before i went home.. buzzed off kissing. guy #2 called me on my drive home and, as some of you may not know, its illegal to talk on ur cell phone while driving in california.. but im the type that hates to let it go to voice mail..so i answered and tried to get him off the phone. basically i agreed to go on a date.. i didnt want to but i wanted to get him off the phone and that worked. guy#2 and i met up for burgers the next day and as he was walking me to my car he asked if he could kiss me. it was a fine kiss.. closed mouth.. but just that.. fine. nothing impressionable. we hung out later that night at his place to watch something i dont remember what and ended up making out more. it was fine.. a little sloppy and rushed.. but fine.. still my heart was elsewhere [guy#3] but i didnt want to tell #2 to fuck off... i dont know why.. residual fear post-fiance i suppose... whatever... #3 and i got closer... but we fought a lot over little things like distance and the fact that he was unemployed and lived an hour away across two bridges that cost 10 bucks to see him plus 2 hours of gas. little miss needy didnt like that. he got a job shortly after we got together and he visited me but stuff was never really right.

on our second meet we had sex for the first time, it was bad mostly due to nerves and him not having had sex in awhile, and since he was engaged to the last serious relationship he had and she didnt like condoms.. he hadnt gotten used to them. he left his inside me after we had sex and we didnt realize till like 15 min later when he went for round two. i completely lost it. freaked out. i went into quiet panic mode while he kept trying to keep me calm and come back to bed but all i wanted to do was shower and get the morning after pill. we didnt talk much for the rest of the week and i agreed to see #2 that weekend. we had really awful oral sex... much like his kissing his love making was sloppy and awkward... whatever. #3 went on a date too where he kissed her and realized he wanted me, loved me.. we got back together.

#3 is.. even including the shaking beginnings.. easily the best lover ive ever had.. dear god.. this is the one i referred to while talking about guy #1... omg #3 made me cum so hard and with such frequency that i could not tell you how many times i came in each session. [never with his dick, always with his mouth or hands.. but still man..] my god.. we're talking double digits of mind blowing orgasms here.. sigh.. aaammaaazzinggggg. amazing doesnt cover it... insanity is closer.

still, i messed it up.

all throughout my relationship with #3 i told him i didnt think i was ready to be in another serious relationship after my fiance.. that i felt like i hadnt screwed enough people and i was afraid of getting back into monogamy. he told me i could do what i wanted to do as long as i didnt tell him.. it never happened much aside from kissing #2 on a few more occasions.. one of which where i bolted from his apartment telling him i couldnt hurt him further by kissing him while i was into #3. he didnt care.. wanted to anyway.. but i felt like i was hurting him so i ran off.. and hid out at #1's place thinking #2 might show up at my apartment.. and i could not deal with that.. lol

#3 and i got so close. he was exactly the perfect kind of dom... which in essence isnt so much a dom and more of a master. an owner, and i his loved, cherished pet. while we screwed hed tell me i was his.. which only turned me on further. ive yet to meet anyone, let alone date anyone like that before or since.

he told me he loved me.. i messed it up anyhow..

we spent the days around thanksgiving together. on the first day we screwed like bunnies, were happy and i asked him to ask me to be his gf, he did and i became.. the second day went worse.. the third we broke up due mostly to grouchyness. both of us were sick and freezing in my tiny bed while he snored and i got excessively grouchy. we fought and eventually broke up, started by me suggesting we wouldnt work and should break up. the next day i tried to get him to take me back after i had some sleep and regained sanity.. but he didnt want me anymore.. great. from beginning to end it was about a month and a half. we're still friends but its a little odd for me.

after guy #3 i went on a few dates, fucked #2 and rejected him again... i really toyed with #2 but never meant to.. bad girl i suppose.

guy #4
i met him [whom is my current guy, though we're not officially dating] awhile ago.. actually probably close to the last time we spoke.. but i never gave him much of a chance. he has a lot of problems and a lifestyle [drinking and drugs] that doesnt suit mine. plus, he was always too distracted by someone or something else. after #3 and i broke up he made his play for me. we talked a lot and eventually he got me to come over and visit him across the bay. it was awkward. he talked non stop and didnt try to touch me much aside from when we first met when he approached me he pulled me into a hug and grabbed my ass.. which made me squeak awkwardly which he only found charming. the evening ended up at his place... in an overtly "im walking you back to my place to draw you into my web" sort of way. he pulled me into his bed and we made out for awhile though throughout it hed hop out of bed to take swigs of rum straight off the bottle. eventually he went down on me and by the end of the evening we had sex. it was actually the best first time i had had... until he started crying. he kept apologizing and saying i deserved better.. admittedly it didnt last super long but i was moaning in pleasure all throughout it.. which is something that doesnt ordinarily happen the first time. i later interpreted this to be because hes so used to being used and he equates his self worth in terms of how much pleasure he can offer a woman.. so when he didnt last very long he beat up on himself... also why he took swigs of alcohol while we made out.. so socially awkward that being with me stressed him out so much he needed alcohol to calm down.

for awhile i kept him at a distance saying we couldnt work because of distance and his substance abuse. he said he didnt care if i went out with other boys as long as i screwed him while i did and was nice about it when i broke it off. said he didnt want to stand in my way.. i went out with another guy [#5] whom i am now friends with. #4 was fine after the first date where i told him #5 kissed me.. on the second meet we had oral sex i told #4 about it and he lost his shit.. was so hurt.. i was felt horrible like i had cheated.. and i told #4 that although we are not dating, i would be with only him till it inevitably implodes in on itself and we stopped seeing each other.

weve been seeing each other now for about a month and a half, our first meet was december 27th.

i dont really know what to do with him. we started out texting obsessively all day every day.. but i can just feel it breaking apart.. for example ive yet to get a text from him and its mid to late afternoon. yesterday i only got a handful from him.. i dunno. im a big PDA kinda girl... and i always feel like im not supposed to touch him when were not in bed together. he says im being ridiculous.. but i always feel like its inappropriate...

i dunno. it will probably be over soon enough.

oh, did i mention? hes got the biggest dick ive been with, we're talking round abouts 8 inches here.. damn! lol

-edit- *note: ted and i are no longer speaking. he upset me about something and we stopped talking for about a month. though, he sent me obsessive texts.. i just ignored him. about a month ago i texted him to say hello and i just felt like i couldnt breathe all within the process of like 5 texts. i told him i didnt want to do this anymore.. and well.. nothing since then. i think ted is gone from my life. a client came into the office recently that had similar mannerisms and sounded a lot like him, it made my skin crawl. blech.

***food related***
i cut my hair off REALLY short yesterday. decided i wasn't going to be bad anymore. sure i can have that cupcake, or go get burgers.. but that means im going to cut cals elsewhere. i'm not going to loose my mind over food anymore.. because honestly.. its not worth it.. none of it really is.. not even boys.

wish me luck ladies [and gents]

*note: i will be deleting some of my old posts where i just said what i ate.. thats boring.. no one wants or needs to read it. i tried to re-read some of my old shit and i was bored to tears. no, thank you!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
liz: thank you, darlin. i dont really know where i'm headed at this point.. hopefully somewhere saner... and not dripping with grease lol.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

it's been months.. sorry.

i don't know.

i started in a place of compulsion. somewhere where i felt if i could stay within perfect numbers everything would get better... and it did. i dropped close to 70 lbs. things were looking up. i could see an end game that i approved of, but i feel so lost these days. im somewhere in the early 260's due mostly to binging and i've been with something like 5 men since last i really wrote. i even have a current one, though its going nowhere. fast.

i don't know what to do with me.

i need to get back to something sane.

i feel like the days of 500 cals are behind me.. but knowing me and my ocd, ill start somewhere and it will progressively work down from there. ive never been declared to have ocd, though ive never been looked at. its something i can control, if i make myself.. though if you CAN control it.. does it count?

i know my community is gone, i miss it.

but maybe i just need to be me for myself.

in reality this has more to do with being able to leave my apartment without shame more so than the approval of any man or woman.

self hate and shame at any size.

desire to be acceptable in my own eyes.

knowing my self hate runs deeper than that.

kind of an odd thing to be posting at 6 am on a saturday morning, but my sleep shedual's been off. i was over at the guy's house on thurs night since we both had friday off. we hung out, drank and screwed till 4ish in the morning and i passed out in his bed while watching robot chicken. i got home around 2ish yesterday and have been sleeping on and off in 4ish hour increments since then.

he means well.

i know he does.

he says he loves me, but i dont believe him.

i dont believe hes exactly lying to me ither.

i think he believes it, just doesnt realize its not real. that im a figment of his imagination. that im just not someone cruel.. and hes convinced himself to love me out of defense knowing i wont hurt him intentionally.

but i will hurt him.

i wont mean to, but i will. i wont want to, but i will. i always do.

i can see this quasi relationship heading to a point.

he's not himself with me, he needs someone to abuse him to be himself. he has no creativity with me, and his dark romance is gone.

maybe he's healthier with me, but i turn him into his worse version of himself, and i can see him coming out when he speaks to other people. im wrong for him. i know it. but he wont believe me.

i dont know.

i know its doomed. i know theres no future, but i like him. so, i stay.

bah.

i miss believing someone cares about me.

deep, down to my core.

i want to believe.