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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Monday, February 21, 2011

drinking and jealousy? friday night i went over to the boys house [who ive decided to name max] drank heavily and hung out with his roommate, his [other] roommates gf, and her kid [15 year old boy].

beginning to note that theres going to be problems with me hanging out with his roommate. max told me a few weeks ago he was concerned his roommate would form a crush on me because the last girl he dated that was like me [nice] the roommate liked as well, max also said he was concerned because we have similar tastes and he felt like wed hit it off.

anyhow... i drank a bottle and a fourth of cheap wine and got rather sloshed. the four of us talked for hours. i traded off between people and had at length conversations with all of them except really max because if we're going to talk to just each other we might as well be alone in the comforts of his bed under the blankets...

so the evening starts winding down and and the other roommates gf and her kid disappear, im not sure to where.. and im left with max and his roommate. the three of us have talked at length before, though i usually keep pretty quiet because the types of conversations that appeal to max dont ordinarily appeal to me. in this particular situation the roommate and i start debating what the actual meaning of juxtaposition is and after about five minutes max storms off. i'm not really sure whats going on besides that he started sort of yelling at me part way through it. i'm not really one to follow someone who yells at me so i just stay out in the kitchen and talk to the roommate one on one. after awhile he says to me that this perhaps isnt wise. stating that although what we do is completely innocent, max is probably stewing in his room thinking terrible things. so i wait him out a bit longer but eventually decide to go and see whats up.. we promptly have a fight where he accuses me of ignoring him and flirting with his roommate. i dont really understand this.

maybe he knows his roommate well enough to see the signs and is feeling threatened..

maybe he's said something when i wasnt around..

maybe i was just feeling hurt because earlier in the evening he made commentary about the fact that i wont tell him i love him [because i dont] and he said he loved me but wasnt "in love" with me.. which i think is complete bullshit.. you ither love someone or you dont, theres no love vs in love.. there is no half way.. thats why i dont say it, because i dont mean it.. and clearly he doesnt ither..


he claims he was just drunk and stupid.. which i think is just a lie he wants to believe.. when in reality his accusations are more on base with why hes upset.

the funny thing about this is hes had sex with the other roommates girlfriend. so i'm hanging out with a girl hes had his dick in and up until we started seeing each other, he was still trying to bed... and im totally fine. hell, i like her a lot... though there was one particular instance where i ran off to his room to fetch something for him and when i came back i couldnt really see what was going on but i got a weird vibe.. i dunno i think i was just being paranoid.. but still. im not toiling away stressing about the woman i know he would happily fuck were i not around... but hes obsessing about this..

i dont know..

part of him is right to worry.. i do find the roommate attractive, and honestly he is "my type" [physically and mentally] but i like max and im not going to cheat on him for some passing fancy.

part of me also likes the idea of making him jealous.. it gets me kinda hot to think of him all fire-y over me wanting to assert his claim over me.. ah the joys of being submissive and liking dominate men... lol

oh well.

so that was friday night.. i drove from his place to my parents that morning and hung out there for awhile before max started texting me saying he missed me etc. i told him if he split the cost of the trip with me id come, so i did... and i JUST got home [almost two days later] from his place. i didnt just spend sat night, but all of sunday and most of today at his place... so the fast didnt happen as planned, but i did eat primarily healthily. there was one fast food meal.. but the rest was cheese sticks, grapes, carrots, pretzels and a turkey sandwich. oh i also made smores for max and the other people in his house but i only had a couple marshmallows with gram crackers, no chocolate, and i left the remainder of the fixins at his place so i couldnt eat them later. over all, id say i did fine food wise. no real binging, just that fast food blech.

i still want to restrict this week.
i need to not get caught up in romance..
yet still.. im kind of distracted by my love life.

i like max, but seeing his clear displeasure in my presence around his roommate makes me think we are fundamentally flawed aside from the obvious. we are different people and seeing me connect with someone on an intellectual level bothers him a lot, perhaps because he feels like we dont. we can hang out and giggle together.. but do we stimulate each other aside from sexually?

dunno. too soon to say.

also, on a separate note i got a text from ted saying he missed me.. i havent responded.. dont really know what to do with that. i cant handle his insanity and i dont want to ither.

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