i don't know.
i started in a place of compulsion. somewhere where i felt if i could stay within perfect numbers everything would get better... and it did. i dropped close to 70 lbs. things were looking up. i could see an end game that i approved of, but i feel so lost these days. im somewhere in the early 260's due mostly to binging and i've been with something like 5 men since last i really wrote. i even have a current one, though its going nowhere. fast.
i don't know what to do with me.
i need to get back to something sane.
i feel like the days of 500 cals are behind me.. but knowing me and my ocd, ill start somewhere and it will progressively work down from there. ive never been declared to have ocd, though ive never been looked at. its something i can control, if i make myself.. though if you CAN control it.. does it count?
i know my community is gone, i miss it.
but maybe i just need to be me for myself.
in reality this has more to do with being able to leave my apartment without shame more so than the approval of any man or woman.
self hate and shame at any size.
desire to be acceptable in my own eyes.
knowing my self hate runs deeper than that.
kind of an odd thing to be posting at 6 am on a saturday morning, but my sleep shedual's been off. i was over at the guy's house on thurs night since we both had friday off. we hung out, drank and screwed till 4ish in the morning and i passed out in his bed while watching robot chicken. i got home around 2ish yesterday and have been sleeping on and off in 4ish hour increments since then.
he means well.
i know he does.
he says he loves me, but i dont believe him.
i dont believe hes exactly lying to me ither.
i think he believes it, just doesnt realize its not real. that im a figment of his imagination. that im just not someone cruel.. and hes convinced himself to love me out of defense knowing i wont hurt him intentionally.
but i will hurt him.
i wont mean to, but i will. i wont want to, but i will. i always do.
i can see this quasi relationship heading to a point.
he's not himself with me, he needs someone to abuse him to be himself. he has no creativity with me, and his dark romance is gone.
maybe he's healthier with me, but i turn him into his worse version of himself, and i can see him coming out when he speaks to other people. im wrong for him. i know it. but he wont believe me.
i dont know.
i know its doomed. i know theres no future, but i like him. so, i stay.
i miss believing someone cares about me.
deep, down to my core.
i want to believe.