Tuesday, February 15, 2011
day god knows what:
weigh in: 262.3
stay as low as possible but stay within the parameters of up to:
one full carton of orange juice 
one can of chicken soup 
no more, possibly less.
things to do to keep busy:
drive my donations to good will
buy laundry bags
reading through my old posts this really isnt much of a fast.. but going from binge mode to eating properly for a couple days to this.. it seems safe enough to actually be possible.
i dont want to go back to days of 300 calories.. but knowing me thats where ill be in a month. i just want to get back to reality.
isnt there a place between 300 and 3000? i want something sustainable. realistic...she says while prepping for a fast.. lol.
ive had a can of diet coke and about a shot of orange juice. no dizzies or head aches yet.
is it weird that i love that weak dizzy feeling? maybe its part of my submissive thing, the desire to be weak and helpless and looked after, protected. plus the dizzies feel like being drunk. if i could remove that empty stomach=hurts thing and the head aches it really wouldnt be so bad, i love the rest of it. miss it.
***end of food talk***
so yesterday was valentines. he actually paid a little more attention to me than he has recently, mostly because he knew i was upset with him and he wanted to fix things. i think hes kind of clueless unless i beat him over the head with things. though he tells me he misses me and loves me all the time, but i dont buy it. maybe im the one that needs to be beaten over the head with things.
at least i kind of know whats going on now. the reason why hes been so non existent is because hes been using and then coming off it. he's been sleeping almost all day every day and thats why he hasnt been texting. its not really an excuse but its the truth. i dont really know what to do with him. he means well, but ultimately disappearing for a week isnt really acceptable if he wants to be my actual bf in the future. im way too attention whorey for that. ive been emotionally shutting down so as not to feel upset that hes not paying attention to me... mostly ive just felt dead inside and i dont really like that, but its better than crying over it.
much simpler orange juice it is.
-edited to add update-
the guy wants me to come over because he misses me. hes been paying attention to me today and hes fronting me the cost of the visit. maybe it really just was the using. i dunno. ill see how it goes. unfortunately it screws my fasting. i havent had anything since this morning's swig of orange juice but if im going to be there trapped for hours i need to eat something real so i dont like pass out.. and uh so i can have "relations" with him.. tehe. will find something small to eat in the fridge and sub cals from the orange juice for it.
and i was so proud of myself for behaving... bah
still.. boys are cute :)