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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

my love life since september

****warning this content may.. and probably will be extremely sexually graphic, read at ur own risk***

well, last we really spoke minus my random "hello??? love me???"s.....

guy #1
i was about to go out on a date with a guy whom seemed promising. the first date was awkward. we met in a park and walked around and i felt just odd in general. when we parted ways he hugged me and acted like he meant to kiss me but chickened out. i asked him about it later he said he "thought better of it" our second date he came over to my place and we watched tompopo a strange comedy about food. we made out agressivly afterward, it was nice.. hot.. delicious. my crush grew from there. little did i know, the moment he left my apartment he felt like an old man [roughly 10 years my senior] and decided he didnt want to proceed with me. great, right? i coulda gone ither way after the first date, but the second sucked me in.. and thats when he decides hes not interested lol... oh well. we met up again as friends after that to go on a photo adventure which is the last time ive taken pictures. it was an amazing day, we even took some amazingly beautiful night shots together. i was so blissed out. i hadnt had that much fun in awhile, good thing he had drawn the line in the sand cause i woulda fallen hard for him, even so, we ended up messing around at my place. he didnt have condoms on him [they were in the car] and it was like 3 in the morning and he was exhausted. he thought if he left to get them, he wouldnt be coming back so instead he went down on me, did me with my toy, and i blew him. my god. i didnt think i liked oral sex... i was wrong.. i was a lot of wrong... though to be fair another guy later down the line was more convincing of that fact... but thats a story for a lil later.. anyhow. this guy got me to squirt.. something i didnt think i could do.. but his dick wasnt involved and there was no lube... and there was a mark on the sheets afterward.. so i guess you gotta believe a guy, right? lol oie, seriously. every moment i wasnt moaning in extacsy i was begging him to fuck me.. great right? lol ohhhh well. we hung out a couple of weeks later when i was hiding out from another guy but i havent seen him since then.. oh well. still a nice guy. we occasionally talk on facebook.. but ive found mostly when a guy isnt interested the friendship usually dies down. we're not avoiding each other.. we just dont have much to say without his dick involved :P

guy #2
so, next guy... um this is the guy i just mentioned that i hid out at the first guys place to avoid. lot of drama with him. he never really got a fair chance. i started really talking to him after the first guy had told me he wanted to be friends... but i was still into him. guy #2 fell for me harder than would have been advised. we talked a bunch but he made me feel smothered. made me feel like i was cornered. i told him i was just scared, which is true. i referred to myself as a stray cat that hides under the couch because its scared it will be abused or like eatten or something. he asked me what my "perfect saucer of milk" was. he was sweet.. meant well.. but ultimately pressed too hard so i asked him to back off and stop asking me out. he interpreted this as "fuck off and die" so he invited a friend who was experiencing a time of crisis in her life to come visit and screw all weekend. this went over GREAT with me lol. i basically wrote him off at this point. he told me how he felt how he thought i was blowing him off, even offered to tell her not to come.. but i felt like if he brushed her off, and i denied him id feel guilty. i didnt want to feel that way so i told him to do what he wanted. ITS A TRAAAAPPPPP... dont boys know this? lol anyhow this was the weekend i let ted kiss me.. but its also the weekend i met.....

guy #3
this is the only guy who ive actually declared to be my bf post-fiance.... even if it only lasted 2 official days.. oie. well he and i met while guy#2 was off screwing his friend... and i almost instantaneously liked him. guy#2 tried to get me to see him again after i met #3..but honestly it was too late.. he had again lost out to another guy due to poor timing. guy#3 and i had our first date on 10-10-10.. which he says is binary or something for 42 which all us dorks know is the meaning of life. we had an amazing first date. im usually so nervous and awkward around new guys... as he walked up to me while i leaned against a tree i felt my usual terror.. but he hugged me, held me to him.. and i sighed.. calmed down.. and after that.. it was so simple.. easy. he held my hand and we walked down the main street in his quaint lil rich bay side town. about a 15-30 min walk later, the street met with the bay, we walked down the pier.. and at the end of the pier we faced out looking at the water. he pressed me gently against it putting a hand ither side of me on the railing with me held in his grasp. he kissed the back of my neck and behind my ear and i turned around to face him and have our first kiss. it was magical. it was perfect... minus perhaps his facial hair lol. we went back to his place where hes living with his dad and uncle cause he was currently unemployed. made out for forever before i went home.. buzzed off kissing. guy #2 called me on my drive home and, as some of you may not know, its illegal to talk on ur cell phone while driving in california.. but im the type that hates to let it go to voice mail..so i answered and tried to get him off the phone. basically i agreed to go on a date.. i didnt want to but i wanted to get him off the phone and that worked. guy#2 and i met up for burgers the next day and as he was walking me to my car he asked if he could kiss me. it was a fine kiss.. closed mouth.. but just that.. fine. nothing impressionable. we hung out later that night at his place to watch something i dont remember what and ended up making out more. it was fine.. a little sloppy and rushed.. but fine.. still my heart was elsewhere [guy#3] but i didnt want to tell #2 to fuck off... i dont know why.. residual fear post-fiance i suppose... whatever... #3 and i got closer... but we fought a lot over little things like distance and the fact that he was unemployed and lived an hour away across two bridges that cost 10 bucks to see him plus 2 hours of gas. little miss needy didnt like that. he got a job shortly after we got together and he visited me but stuff was never really right.

on our second meet we had sex for the first time, it was bad mostly due to nerves and him not having had sex in awhile, and since he was engaged to the last serious relationship he had and she didnt like condoms.. he hadnt gotten used to them. he left his inside me after we had sex and we didnt realize till like 15 min later when he went for round two. i completely lost it. freaked out. i went into quiet panic mode while he kept trying to keep me calm and come back to bed but all i wanted to do was shower and get the morning after pill. we didnt talk much for the rest of the week and i agreed to see #2 that weekend. we had really awful oral sex... much like his kissing his love making was sloppy and awkward... whatever. #3 went on a date too where he kissed her and realized he wanted me, loved me.. we got back together.

#3 is.. even including the shaking beginnings.. easily the best lover ive ever had.. dear god.. this is the one i referred to while talking about guy #1... omg #3 made me cum so hard and with such frequency that i could not tell you how many times i came in each session. [never with his dick, always with his mouth or hands.. but still man..] my god.. we're talking double digits of mind blowing orgasms here.. sigh.. aaammaaazzinggggg. amazing doesnt cover it... insanity is closer.

still, i messed it up.

all throughout my relationship with #3 i told him i didnt think i was ready to be in another serious relationship after my fiance.. that i felt like i hadnt screwed enough people and i was afraid of getting back into monogamy. he told me i could do what i wanted to do as long as i didnt tell him.. it never happened much aside from kissing #2 on a few more occasions.. one of which where i bolted from his apartment telling him i couldnt hurt him further by kissing him while i was into #3. he didnt care.. wanted to anyway.. but i felt like i was hurting him so i ran off.. and hid out at #1's place thinking #2 might show up at my apartment.. and i could not deal with that.. lol

#3 and i got so close. he was exactly the perfect kind of dom... which in essence isnt so much a dom and more of a master. an owner, and i his loved, cherished pet. while we screwed hed tell me i was his.. which only turned me on further. ive yet to meet anyone, let alone date anyone like that before or since.

he told me he loved me.. i messed it up anyhow..

we spent the days around thanksgiving together. on the first day we screwed like bunnies, were happy and i asked him to ask me to be his gf, he did and i became.. the second day went worse.. the third we broke up due mostly to grouchyness. both of us were sick and freezing in my tiny bed while he snored and i got excessively grouchy. we fought and eventually broke up, started by me suggesting we wouldnt work and should break up. the next day i tried to get him to take me back after i had some sleep and regained sanity.. but he didnt want me anymore.. great. from beginning to end it was about a month and a half. we're still friends but its a little odd for me.

after guy #3 i went on a few dates, fucked #2 and rejected him again... i really toyed with #2 but never meant to.. bad girl i suppose.

guy #4
i met him [whom is my current guy, though we're not officially dating] awhile ago.. actually probably close to the last time we spoke.. but i never gave him much of a chance. he has a lot of problems and a lifestyle [drinking and drugs] that doesnt suit mine. plus, he was always too distracted by someone or something else. after #3 and i broke up he made his play for me. we talked a lot and eventually he got me to come over and visit him across the bay. it was awkward. he talked non stop and didnt try to touch me much aside from when we first met when he approached me he pulled me into a hug and grabbed my ass.. which made me squeak awkwardly which he only found charming. the evening ended up at his place... in an overtly "im walking you back to my place to draw you into my web" sort of way. he pulled me into his bed and we made out for awhile though throughout it hed hop out of bed to take swigs of rum straight off the bottle. eventually he went down on me and by the end of the evening we had sex. it was actually the best first time i had had... until he started crying. he kept apologizing and saying i deserved better.. admittedly it didnt last super long but i was moaning in pleasure all throughout it.. which is something that doesnt ordinarily happen the first time. i later interpreted this to be because hes so used to being used and he equates his self worth in terms of how much pleasure he can offer a woman.. so when he didnt last very long he beat up on himself... also why he took swigs of alcohol while we made out.. so socially awkward that being with me stressed him out so much he needed alcohol to calm down.

for awhile i kept him at a distance saying we couldnt work because of distance and his substance abuse. he said he didnt care if i went out with other boys as long as i screwed him while i did and was nice about it when i broke it off. said he didnt want to stand in my way.. i went out with another guy [#5] whom i am now friends with. #4 was fine after the first date where i told him #5 kissed me.. on the second meet we had oral sex i told #4 about it and he lost his shit.. was so hurt.. i was felt horrible like i had cheated.. and i told #4 that although we are not dating, i would be with only him till it inevitably implodes in on itself and we stopped seeing each other.

weve been seeing each other now for about a month and a half, our first meet was december 27th.

i dont really know what to do with him. we started out texting obsessively all day every day.. but i can just feel it breaking apart.. for example ive yet to get a text from him and its mid to late afternoon. yesterday i only got a handful from him.. i dunno. im a big PDA kinda girl... and i always feel like im not supposed to touch him when were not in bed together. he says im being ridiculous.. but i always feel like its inappropriate...

i dunno. it will probably be over soon enough.

oh, did i mention? hes got the biggest dick ive been with, we're talking round abouts 8 inches here.. damn! lol

-edit- *note: ted and i are no longer speaking. he upset me about something and we stopped talking for about a month. though, he sent me obsessive texts.. i just ignored him. about a month ago i texted him to say hello and i just felt like i couldnt breathe all within the process of like 5 texts. i told him i didnt want to do this anymore.. and well.. nothing since then. i think ted is gone from my life. a client came into the office recently that had similar mannerisms and sounded a lot like him, it made my skin crawl. blech.

***food related***
i cut my hair off REALLY short yesterday. decided i wasn't going to be bad anymore. sure i can have that cupcake, or go get burgers.. but that means im going to cut cals elsewhere. i'm not going to loose my mind over food anymore.. because honestly.. its not worth it.. none of it really is.. not even boys.

wish me luck ladies [and gents]

*note: i will be deleting some of my old posts where i just said what i ate.. thats boring.. no one wants or needs to read it. i tried to re-read some of my old shit and i was bored to tears. no, thank you!

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liz: thank you, darlin. i dont really know where i'm headed at this point.. hopefully somewhere saner... and not dripping with grease lol.

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