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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

oh ana, how did i stay away from you?

funny how easily ana slips back into my life. her cold arms embrace me and she whispers dark sweetness in my ear, telling me its all so simple. that really, starving myself is easy... and it will give me everything i want. oh ana, my secret lover, will i ever really leave you? or will i forever be worshiping at ur throne?

i truly believe down to my core if i ever get down to a place of normalcy, a place where im not technically "over weight".. that ill be able to stop. that being able to blend in will be enough. will i ever see that day? will i ever make it down into the dress sizes of the standard folk? if i get there.. will it be enough? part of me appreciates these months where i plateaued. showing me i can walk away from ana. where i ate insanely and only gained about 10 lbs. makes me think if i have some sanity in my hands id be able to maintain... i suppose well see.

so things yesterday were fine. great even. i went over to the boys house and i helped him clean his room which actually made me sweat a teeny bit... then with the other *cough* activities... which also made me sweat. it was actually a really lovely time. total 180 from the last week when i was convinced he didnt want me anymore. he gave me all the attention and affection in the world, with infinite smiles and kisses. i was supposed to go home at 8pm, but about an hour before that he told me he wanted me to stay later. around 10:30 we crawled into bed to watch cartoons and he asked me to spend the night because he didnt want me to leave, because he wanted to keep me in bed and hold me. i fell asleep on his shoulder and woke up randomly at about 2:30 am so i decided to drive home instead of facing traffic in the morning. over all, the day was wonderful.

maybe it really was just the using. though, that does put the fear into me of when he takes his next hit. prior to the most recent incidence, he didnt use for about 2 weeks before that. seems kinda silly to wait until youve gone all the way through withdrawal and then have more.. i dunno. i dont want to mother him, so im avoiding the issue til i cant anymore. he knows how i feel about it, and hes considerate enough to not do the harder stuff around me, so its easy to pretend most of the time. still.. i cant date a drug addict.. even though i sorta already am... i just dont want a bf that disappears or is unreliable. plus, i worry about the damage it does to him... says the girl knowingly starving herself...... lol im such a hypocrite. i havent told him about ana yet. ive said little things like "i have an odd relationship with food" and he knows i dont like eating in front of him, or really any guy. with him its worse, hes tiny, about 135 and one to two inches shorter than me. though, on the plus side, he doesnt eat much himself so theres rarely raised eyebrows when i dont eat, even if i see him from 2pm-2am. [like yesterday] part of me wants to tell him, it just seems a little ridiculous to tell a guy almost half my size that im starving myself. clearly it aint working.. yet! :P

as far as food goes, before i left for his place i had 2 hummus sandwiches which were aprox 330 cals together. i didnt weigh the hummus so i rounded up just incase. when i got home i had a glass of orange juice [110] so for the day i had aprox 450ish cals including the swig of orange juice i had earlier that morning.

today i ate more, im not trying to restrict too stringently, yet. i had...

2 medifast bars[220 together]
humus and bread [aprox 210]
ten or so m and m's [40?]
some carrots[50?]
a lil mac and cheese bowl [220]
a mini lasagna [350]

im done eating for the day. i expect to go up some, but as long as i stay under 260, i dont really care. its my objective to get back under 250 this month, and i would really love to be a size 16 [i think i need to be aprox 225 for that] by my birthday [end of may] ..but im not holding my breath.

would be nice though.

-edit- i lied, still hungry, going to go heat something else up and pray i remain under 260 though eating this late is begging for problems. cross your fingers for me.

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