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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Friday, February 18, 2011

a question i heard on the radio...

...a question ive heard many times before.

"would you trade sex for a year to be thin?"

my instant reaction is YES, dear CHRIST yes!

..then i think a little..

is my desire for food stronger than my desire for sex? in my absence from blogger that binge-tastic friend of mine came to town and when we were out i sat across from her looking down at pizza or whatever i had ordered and i thought to myself.. and aloud.. id rather have the boy fuck my brains out than eat this.. id MUCH rather have sex.

then i start to dissect the question, as compulsive types like myself tend to do. does this mean if i have no sex for a year ill be skinny FOREVER? regardless of what i eat or do? hmm this sounds interesting. clearly i can sacrifice for a year to be skinny for life.. then i think, if i can sacrifice sex, why cant i sacrifice binge-e food for a year? if i got that low, it wouldnt be nearly as hard to maintain as it is now. i mean hell, im what? 50? 60? lbs lighter than where i started and i have no issue keeping from going back. but there would always be give and take.

throughout my thoughts, the radio is dissecting the question as well, the female says I WOULD TOTALLY DO THAT... then the male asks her if shed be willing to risk the damage it would do to her marriage? which made me think.. hm i guess that means id have to sacrifice the boy to be skinny. then i thought, does that include me giving him blow jobs if i dont receive? isnt the heart of the question, "can you deny yourself pleasure and orgasm for a year to be skinny?" does that really have to involve selfless acts to keep ur partner happy?

i dont know. if i were single now, id say yes. definitely.. but part of me isnt willing to throw out this failed relationship that makes me happy in order to be thin. while writing this i note that i am virtually saying i prefer him than the whole of what my obsession my whole life has been.. what i dedicate this blog to, in fact the fucking title of this blog "to be thin". should it be renamed "to be loved"? oie. head case.

i need to grow up and grow a pair.
cant i be responsible for myself?
shouldnt i be?

i need to come up with questions to ask myself in the face of a binge.

things like:
would i rather go see the boy and have sex instead of spending that money on fast food?
would i rather hit that goal weight and allow myself to buy something pertty?
would i rather be not ashamed of myself every second of every day?

i think i need to do something rational for once. a diet plan that will work over time, though it may take longer than desired.. one that will prevent me from binging but also prevent me from starving too..

in the words of addict: i dunno, ill figure it out after my week and a half of restriction.

wish me luck :)

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