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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

unsatisfied

i had a few more otter pops last night, definitely stayed under 1200 though. 975 today. oddly i dont so much care about it today. i feel fat but thats pretty fair considering my weight.

its been raining a lot in california lately, over the last couple of days the sun has come out and its started to smell like summer...

summer for me always makes me think of change and the past. since i was going to college, my world kind of revolved around the school year and summer break. mostly i moved every summer and had continued that with apartments after college. now it feels like i need more change.. i need to move back to my city... and i probably need to dump max.

guy#3 is goring into my brain.. but thats not why.

part of me thinks i should stay with max for the next month just to prove a point to myself..

the other part of me realizes that if im unhappy i need to make changes to be happy.

its kind of how things were with the ex before i broke up with him, i was unhappy but i wasnt unhappy enough to end something i thought id miss. i think ill miss max.. and it seems stupid to leave that especially when i have no intention of dating anyone else, regardless of crushes.

how can i be with someone when i cant be with myself? i need to fix me first... but i keep getting distracted by cute boys.

max isnt cutting it. im unsatisfied.

i want to be fulfilled.

i need to start with me.

i have given max an uninformed and unofficial weekend to prove to me that i want to be with him... which means, although i havent told him about this, and i dont know if ill really go through with it regardless, hes got this weekend to change my mind in order to keep me.

im not on an emotional bender anymore.. so maybe ill have my head on a little straighter after this weekend.

we'll see.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

confusion

okay, so food first as always:

i didnt realize i had like 3 days to loose 10 lbs.. so my goals have shifted slightly.

if i break 260 by the end of march ill be pleased.

we'll see.

i had roughly 2000 yesterday and 1035 today. might have a couple more otter pops later tonight. im full so im not really worried. dependent on what my weigh in is tomorrow i might have primarily light soy milk to consume tomorrow. have to put together something resembling lunch for work, but im okay with a lil starving to break 60 and liquid calories dont seem to count for much with my body as long as i dont got insane.

okay so.. confusion...

remember that guy [guy#3] i mentioned during my love life recap?
he of the amazing sex skills?
only other bf besides "the ex" and max?

yeah well, i recently confessed to a friend that its a good thing he has a gf because id prolly want him back if he were single...

guess what facebook informs me of?
hes single now..

crap...

doesnt help that things with max have been shaky lately.
also doesnt help that i sent him a text telling him i always had "maybe" in the back of my mind..
sure as fuck doesnt help that he wrote back saying he felt the same way..

whimper..

what does help is knowing that hes leaving the state in a month, and that he potentially is still messed up about his other ex.

im not going to do anything. i mean, why muss up what i have with max over a month of "maybe"?

it does make me wonder if i want to be with max at all though, regardless of guy#3.

the last time i saw him it was a mix of happy to see him followed by wanting to cry and feeling emotionally cut off from him.. i know my period is close.. so im not really rational right now..

but still.

max was never right for me, hes just really sweet. my emotional, intellectual and physical affection needs arent being met...which makes me sad.

is sweet enough?

having an enormous dick that can give me multiple orgasms during sex doesnt hurt.. not one little bit..

i dont know.

two weekends ago i was looking into his eyes while we laid in bed together and i thought to myself, "what are you doing? this is ridiculous, break up with him" but i didnt.. days later i missed him...

im just kind of waiting and seeing what comes of it.

waiting for him to give me a reason to cut him off.

..little reasons dont seem to justify it, is there anything big enough?

is he what i want?

i dont know.

Monday, March 28, 2011

new plan ideas

everyone can crash diet for a specific amount of time.. its the FOREVER that musses us up, right?

well, at the end of may ill be going on a trip. i really want to be thinner before that for a myriad of reasons but a large one of those being the flight to it.

heres my plan:

today is a day of saying goodbye to binge and getting whatever i have out of my system.

starting tomorrow im going to diet as much as possible. definatly no more than 1200 a day, probably much less. no binge type food ither.. there will still be allowed one day of drinking per week as its something max and his house likes to do, and i dont want to be left out.. but other than that no luxury items. i have bought some otter pops [15 cals a pop] and that should help curb my sugar craving.

i know i can commit to a month and a half.

i CAN do this.

i WILL do this.

short term goals include:

end of march: 255

end of april: 240

by trip [may 18th-ish]:230

as long as im under 240/loosely in my size 20's by the trip i wont be disheartened but these are my wishes. id love to be a 16 by then.. we'll see.

cross your fingers for me.

suggestions on motivation would be greatly appreciated. im thinking of hanging my skinny jeans up on the wall.. oh the joys of living alone lol.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

sorry ive been away

i keep meaning to post but i avoid it because things havent been going well.

ive gained something like 3 lbs..

blahh..

i need to get my act together but it never seems to pan out.

all day at work i behave.. then i go home and think.. hmm what now? i dunno.

theres been a ton o drama with max.. but none of it seems horribly relevant. we'll break up eventually. we have to. we're not compatible people... i dunno, still like him even if we arent right for each other...

i dunno.

ill get back to you guys. wish me luck..

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

the desire for something frivolous

so, since today is the first, i finally weighed myself ..and im up .2 lbs. there was binging while i was gone and yesterday was the first day of my period.. so im not really surprised.. honestly, im just thankful to not have broken 260.

though it may not seem as such to the outside observer.. i seem to be getting a hold of myself slowly but surly.. its something in my mindset.. a slow change from insanity to calm collected and methodical.. and in the spirt of new plans, ive decided to take a new approach to weight loss.

im saving money for sf.. [so therefore im poor as everything is getting saved instead] BUT! im still a girl, and i like pretty things... sooooooo.. for every day i expend under 1200 cals i get 10 dollars towards something frivolous. [i also get one night a week of "calorie free drinking"]

i probably would have spent said 10 dollars on food anyway if i surpassed 1200 cals.. so really its not cutting much into my savings.

today is a somewhat iffy day since i had coffee this morning for breakfast as a test run for meal replacement and im not 100% sure how much creamer got put into it [and therefore calories] but ither way im within 100 cals of 1200 and since its day one of the new program.. as incentive to get my shit together.. ive decided to wave the day and call it my first 10 dollars.

ive had a couple of 1200 days prior to this and it wasnt a problem... so i think this is totally realistic. mostly ive been eating as little as possible during the day and then having a crave type food for dinner [primarily lasagna lately] to avoid binges from lack of fulfillment.

i got to that weak dizzy place at work today, and it was lovely.. i love that kind of drunk feeling you get from not eating... is that terrible? kind of a weird thing to enjoy... i dunno. maybe im crazy.

wish me luck and pretty things :)