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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

confusion

okay, so food first as always:

i didnt realize i had like 3 days to loose 10 lbs.. so my goals have shifted slightly.

if i break 260 by the end of march ill be pleased.

we'll see.

i had roughly 2000 yesterday and 1035 today. might have a couple more otter pops later tonight. im full so im not really worried. dependent on what my weigh in is tomorrow i might have primarily light soy milk to consume tomorrow. have to put together something resembling lunch for work, but im okay with a lil starving to break 60 and liquid calories dont seem to count for much with my body as long as i dont got insane.

okay so.. confusion...

remember that guy [guy#3] i mentioned during my love life recap?
he of the amazing sex skills?
only other bf besides "the ex" and max?

yeah well, i recently confessed to a friend that its a good thing he has a gf because id prolly want him back if he were single...

guess what facebook informs me of?
hes single now..

crap...

doesnt help that things with max have been shaky lately.
also doesnt help that i sent him a text telling him i always had "maybe" in the back of my mind..
sure as fuck doesnt help that he wrote back saying he felt the same way..

whimper..

what does help is knowing that hes leaving the state in a month, and that he potentially is still messed up about his other ex.

im not going to do anything. i mean, why muss up what i have with max over a month of "maybe"?

it does make me wonder if i want to be with max at all though, regardless of guy#3.

the last time i saw him it was a mix of happy to see him followed by wanting to cry and feeling emotionally cut off from him.. i know my period is close.. so im not really rational right now..

but still.

max was never right for me, hes just really sweet. my emotional, intellectual and physical affection needs arent being met...which makes me sad.

is sweet enough?

having an enormous dick that can give me multiple orgasms during sex doesnt hurt.. not one little bit..

i dont know.

two weekends ago i was looking into his eyes while we laid in bed together and i thought to myself, "what are you doing? this is ridiculous, break up with him" but i didnt.. days later i missed him...

im just kind of waiting and seeing what comes of it.

waiting for him to give me a reason to cut him off.

..little reasons dont seem to justify it, is there anything big enough?

is he what i want?

i dont know.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry you're having trouble honey :( It will all work out! Wait till your period is over; then you might make a better decision that is not ruled by emotions.

    And sorry I didn't tell you I was posting again! I never left officially, but I thought that I was better enough that I wouldn't be posting much. Clearly, not the case.

    I am trying to be healthy, so thanks for the grilled cheese tip, but no thanks ;)
    Loooovvveee yoooooouuu!!

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