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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

disconnected

im quickly running out of time and i have so much to accomplish.

ive started baking which is holding me back in weight loss because max's roommate and the other roommate's gf had birthdays this last week. funny how that gf is now banging the roommate im crushing on in addition to the father of her child and others i know of.. so shes now had 3 of the 4 men living in that house including max.. and i dont know if shes had the 4th.. its possible... [of course not including her kid..ew]

i dunno what to do with me. i need to work out a plan. i need a lot of things. crap is not one of them..

[WARNING: sex talk may get a lil graphic]

things with max are improving.. sort of. the thing with his roommates got out of hand so hes decided to quit.. to spite them. he's slipped once since then when someone left him a taste at work without knowing he was trying to clean up, but other than that hes been clean. he was worried he wouldnt be able to make me cum while he was clean because it keeps him from cumming as fast, but he did so on his first try, so not to worry... too much.

we've been fighting more. things are fine in text.. sweet even, but in person its different. dunno why. i feel so disconnected from him. cold. after a teeny fight earlier week he asked me where i was because i wasnt there with him. i just turn off. the light in my eyes was gone. a defense mechanism i formed while with the ex so i could still let him hold me to prevent arguments while i was still upset with him.

sex has been different. i used to tell max i loved cumming with him because it made me feel connected.. complete.. the last time we fucked i just kept looking up at him and his closed eyes and felt a million miles away.

he doesnt really seduce me anymore. we barely even kiss before we fuck... and yes i use the word fuck because its appropriate for what we do. i hate the term 'make love' but id prefer it to whats been happening. suddenly 'she who doesnt want a relationship' doesnt want to just fuck anymore.. i want to connect.

he fondles me a little usually in a spooning position so theres no kissing, then gets me off manually for a bit before he fucks me. the process is over in 5-10 min.

is it wrong that i want more? i feel like my window of opportunity has past. that ive let this go on so long that he doesnt think hes supposed to do anything else. and for the most part my sexual needs are being met.. but not my emotional ones.

my period is around the corner so i realize i need to take how i feel with a grain of salt.. but ive been thinking this for a few weeks now and it doesnt seem unreasonable.

i dunno.

most of me doesnt feel like i deserve what i get already. maybe i just need to shut up and be appreciative for what i do get.

i was over at his house last night and we just got sarcastic and snarky. dont know why it started, he probably said something that made me defensive that in turn also made me sarcastic and passive. [odd combo i know] his withdrawl makes him super sleepy so he fell asleep after a few hours and i went home to sleep because i hate being around sleeping people at night. makes me feel fidgety like im trapped. another something that started while living with the ex... that has remained in his absence.

ive been thinking about the ex a lot lately. i cant even remember what he looks like aside from the pictures ive seen of him. no real life images of his face have been saved in my head.. i can remember all sorts of things happening but hes faceless in them.. i dont 'see' him any more. makes me feel weird.

havent heard from max today.

wonder if more fighting will occur today. hope not. i like him better when hes sweet.

liz: thanks for looking out for me lovie. hes not abusive, dont worry.. i just am not happy.. like always.

love you.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

great, bad and back to good again

so things have been pretty much as the title informs you.

weight has stayed the same.. grr. i seem to loose control half the week then behave like crazy the other half.. and it all ends up the same. havent figured out how to break the cycle yet.

spending time at max's helps. i rarely eat there... though i usually eat dinner before i go over.. so it rarely makes a difference except when i spend the night.

as far as things with max go.. well.. it was bad for awhile. i feel like all our cards are out on the table now.

he had to deal with his quasi ex recently because she finally wanted to pick up her things from his place and that created problems. he told me he was stressed about seeing her again because previously he had been obsessed with her and was concerned shed get back in his head. he told me about her because he felt like he needed to be straight with me, which i both appreciate and fear. its hard for me to deal with other women because i feel so inadequate all the time... him telling me about her made me come out and tell him my dirty little secrets, that i was crushing on his roommate and guy #3. he took the information remarkably well.. much better than i would have. mostly just felt defensive around his roommate... something he already was. he could see through my lies. somehow this relieved some tension in our relationship.

another mile stone in our relationship occurred in my absence from you guys... he used in front of me for the first time. then proceeded to do hits repeatedly all weekend and most of this week. it upsets me but part of me is like "we always knew this..why is it different?" he kind of looses his mind when hes on it. the first night was okay.. in fact he was more lucid after his first use than he was before it.. in his lucid state we had a really serious talk about us that made me feel more secure in our relationship.. and made me feel like we had something sincere... after that his mind just sort of slowly unraveled throughout the week.. in my opinion primarily from lack of sleep. his friends are kind of getting on his case about it.. which i sort of understand.. but i also get that hes defiant.. and telling him not to do something will only make him want to do it, just to spite you.

i dont really know what to do about it.. one day it will come down to me or it. he says hed like to think hed quit for me.. but im not so optimistic... as per usual. lol

we're in a good place as of now. placid. dunno how long it will last. he needs to sleep.. so do i.. but i keep thinking about the half eaten pint of ben and jerry's in the freezer.

oie.