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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

disconnected

im quickly running out of time and i have so much to accomplish.

ive started baking which is holding me back in weight loss because max's roommate and the other roommate's gf had birthdays this last week. funny how that gf is now banging the roommate im crushing on in addition to the father of her child and others i know of.. so shes now had 3 of the 4 men living in that house including max.. and i dont know if shes had the 4th.. its possible... [of course not including her kid..ew]

i dunno what to do with me. i need to work out a plan. i need a lot of things. crap is not one of them..

[WARNING: sex talk may get a lil graphic]

things with max are improving.. sort of. the thing with his roommates got out of hand so hes decided to quit.. to spite them. he's slipped once since then when someone left him a taste at work without knowing he was trying to clean up, but other than that hes been clean. he was worried he wouldnt be able to make me cum while he was clean because it keeps him from cumming as fast, but he did so on his first try, so not to worry... too much.

we've been fighting more. things are fine in text.. sweet even, but in person its different. dunno why. i feel so disconnected from him. cold. after a teeny fight earlier week he asked me where i was because i wasnt there with him. i just turn off. the light in my eyes was gone. a defense mechanism i formed while with the ex so i could still let him hold me to prevent arguments while i was still upset with him.

sex has been different. i used to tell max i loved cumming with him because it made me feel connected.. complete.. the last time we fucked i just kept looking up at him and his closed eyes and felt a million miles away.

he doesnt really seduce me anymore. we barely even kiss before we fuck... and yes i use the word fuck because its appropriate for what we do. i hate the term 'make love' but id prefer it to whats been happening. suddenly 'she who doesnt want a relationship' doesnt want to just fuck anymore.. i want to connect.

he fondles me a little usually in a spooning position so theres no kissing, then gets me off manually for a bit before he fucks me. the process is over in 5-10 min.

is it wrong that i want more? i feel like my window of opportunity has past. that ive let this go on so long that he doesnt think hes supposed to do anything else. and for the most part my sexual needs are being met.. but not my emotional ones.

my period is around the corner so i realize i need to take how i feel with a grain of salt.. but ive been thinking this for a few weeks now and it doesnt seem unreasonable.

i dunno.

most of me doesnt feel like i deserve what i get already. maybe i just need to shut up and be appreciative for what i do get.

i was over at his house last night and we just got sarcastic and snarky. dont know why it started, he probably said something that made me defensive that in turn also made me sarcastic and passive. [odd combo i know] his withdrawl makes him super sleepy so he fell asleep after a few hours and i went home to sleep because i hate being around sleeping people at night. makes me feel fidgety like im trapped. another something that started while living with the ex... that has remained in his absence.

ive been thinking about the ex a lot lately. i cant even remember what he looks like aside from the pictures ive seen of him. no real life images of his face have been saved in my head.. i can remember all sorts of things happening but hes faceless in them.. i dont 'see' him any more. makes me feel weird.

havent heard from max today.

wonder if more fighting will occur today. hope not. i like him better when hes sweet.

liz: thanks for looking out for me lovie. hes not abusive, dont worry.. i just am not happy.. like always.

love you.

1 comment:

  1. Oh honey, I just want the best for you :) I want you to be happy!! Because I love you. Because you helped me get through some tough times. Because you're amazing.

    You're beautiful, just the way you are.

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