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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

great, bad and back to good again

so things have been pretty much as the title informs you.

weight has stayed the same.. grr. i seem to loose control half the week then behave like crazy the other half.. and it all ends up the same. havent figured out how to break the cycle yet.

spending time at max's helps. i rarely eat there... though i usually eat dinner before i go over.. so it rarely makes a difference except when i spend the night.

as far as things with max go.. well.. it was bad for awhile. i feel like all our cards are out on the table now.

he had to deal with his quasi ex recently because she finally wanted to pick up her things from his place and that created problems. he told me he was stressed about seeing her again because previously he had been obsessed with her and was concerned shed get back in his head. he told me about her because he felt like he needed to be straight with me, which i both appreciate and fear. its hard for me to deal with other women because i feel so inadequate all the time... him telling me about her made me come out and tell him my dirty little secrets, that i was crushing on his roommate and guy #3. he took the information remarkably well.. much better than i would have. mostly just felt defensive around his roommate... something he already was. he could see through my lies. somehow this relieved some tension in our relationship.

another mile stone in our relationship occurred in my absence from you guys... he used in front of me for the first time. then proceeded to do hits repeatedly all weekend and most of this week. it upsets me but part of me is like "we always knew this..why is it different?" he kind of looses his mind when hes on it. the first night was okay.. in fact he was more lucid after his first use than he was before it.. in his lucid state we had a really serious talk about us that made me feel more secure in our relationship.. and made me feel like we had something sincere... after that his mind just sort of slowly unraveled throughout the week.. in my opinion primarily from lack of sleep. his friends are kind of getting on his case about it.. which i sort of understand.. but i also get that hes defiant.. and telling him not to do something will only make him want to do it, just to spite you.

i dont really know what to do about it.. one day it will come down to me or it. he says hed like to think hed quit for me.. but im not so optimistic... as per usual. lol

we're in a good place as of now. placid. dunno how long it will last. he needs to sleep.. so do i.. but i keep thinking about the half eaten pint of ben and jerry's in the freezer.


1 comment:

  1. I worry about you being in a relationship with this guy... I hope you're being safe :)

    I love you though! I'm glad you're posting again.