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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

vacation and ive gone nowhere.

blah. dieting is sucky.. boys are sucky.. everything is sucky.

random thoughts spill forth from my mouth to my keys.. enjoy.

vegas [my vacation] only made me put on weight, i weighed in this morning at 268.7 not really sure what to do with it. trying to get back on track... a diet i can follow.. something to keep to long term and not create problems. seems like whenever i eat bad things.. its never worth it even while im consuming it i think to myself.. this really wasnt as good as i hoped it would be.. i should do something else.. right?

guy#3 is on a no carb lots o meat and cheese diet and its working for him. considering dropping carbs [which is easy for me if i can have all the cheese i want] and seeing where it takes me.

ive been kind of grossed out by meat lately. thinking of dead animals makes me sad.. im such a bleeding heart.. why am i eating them?

ive decided i refuse to feel guilty for buying things like raspberries and smoothies just because they are expensive. id pay a couple grand to be skinny.. why not spend it on more expensive healthy food?

i made my own grenadine the other day. its amazing... and actually not that bad for you.

i dunno.

food always sucks.

ive had 4 mini meals today thus far all heavy in protien. i feel like a pig.

also taking vitamins now and wearing sunscreen.. trying to keep up with it. on day 3 or 4 of it.. we'll see.

oh, and.. my b-day happened while i was in vegas.. 25 now.

supposed to have been at max's house for 19 hours now.. he passed out last night so i stayed here. i have yet to hear from him and im getting pissed off. pretty much have decided to ignore him when and if he calls. someone had better be bleeding or im not talking to him.

texted like 6 different friends to go out with me, none are responsive and free. thinking of going out alone and leaving my phone behind. im such a wuss about not answering my phone.

-edit- of course i answered. fighting. yay.
-edit edit- maybe im seeing him. dunno. blarg.

things with max are in a sucky place to begin with.. now this too? i think hes given up trying to get clean... just when i started thinking about a future with him.

i dont think he gets it. i bought a real sized tube of toothpaste to leave at his place.. a pillow to leave there.. i had stopped thinking of him as this guy i was just seeing til it fell apart.. i was beginning to see him next to me. for real. was even getting close to saying i love you.. now i just feel ridiculous.

clearly his use is more important than me.. more than i ever will be. hes a user first and my bf second. he says its not like that.. but i just dont buy it. if it was an "im weak, i cant do it on my own" id get it.. hell i have such a relationship with food... but i never think to myself.. yeah lets be disgusting and binge.. its out of a place of weakness.. not choice.

thats the difference to me.

i dunno what to do.

not happy, yet again...

though, am i ever?


  1. I want you to be happy! Anything I can do?

    And happy birthday!

  2. Wow. You've lost so much weight! It looks like you're doing great! You should be happy. Just keep working at it girl!