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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

playing a bit of catch up

so, at the last minute my trip was cancelled... which is both good and bad. i miss her but in my current frame of mind, perhaps it is best to not go on a trip where half of the things on our to do list are food related.

i will take my "starting weight" tomorrow morning. ive hopped on the scale 3 or so times in the last week and a half and it keeps popping up as exactly 307.5.. which is impossible. it would fluctuate some.

i know back in my ana days id hop on the scale first with weights then alone to get an accurate reading and i think im going to have to start doing that again. it's impossible that it has been the same, water weight alone makes you change... that or maybe i need a new scale... which may be true but i dont want to deal with that just yet.

~tangent time~

i recently got my first credit card [i had previously only had a debit card and the family credit card] and max [whom ive been living with since mid november btw, not sure if you guys knew it but it's going quite well, to my most sincerest surprise] asked me if i had been over doing it and getting into debt as i shop online all the time and constantly have packages and... to be honest.. no.

ive been having this behavior for years now lol..

i live within my means but i shop A LOT online and frequently have packages. as i looked back i realized ive been cultivating a shopping addiction since my freshman year in college. prior to that i just went to malls for things i needed or to hang out... then freshman year rolled around and out of quasi loneliness and a desire to get mail i started to buy things online..

it has grown from there.

i went on an online shopping spree over the weekend and am now waiting on 10 packages to arrive. [2 from previous sprees that havent arrived yet, 5 from this weekend, and 3 from today]

i have 2-3 more orders to make and then i think im set for awhile.. but i wonder, is that really it?

sort of like food, addiction is addiction.

is it ever done?

my latest obsession has been makeup and beauty products. kind of redundant considering, i suppose; but i enjoy putting forth the effort, and time spent "beautifying" is time not spent doing destructive things.

so, to be fair, part of the reason for all of those shipments is i try samples then get full sizes. now ive got all this super healthy natural non harmful or toxic beauty products.

side note: seriously, you know the stuff thats in your makeup, shampoo or even toothpaste? ew, check it out. [i realize i put equally bad things in my mouth, but im working on that too]

side note #2: ever heard of etsy? it's prolly my favorite shoping site. it's a little like going to a "mom and pop" shop.. only online. lol.. it's where i get all my beauty products now and a bunch of my jewelry.

~end of tangent although this is all seeming a bit fragmented and not making much sense because ive been away too long.. sorry~

as far as me and food goes, i dunno.

i was vegetarian for awhile, but i broke about 2 weeks ago and have been munching on meat from time to time since then. it's gross, im trying to cut it back out.

i remember fondly the way i used to feel with ana.. i liked it even if it made me a bit insane at times.

that light dizzy feeling.. almost like being drunk without drinking.

part of me worries that i have such rosy feelings towards ana.. but the other part of me thinks well.. it worked last time. why not?

i dunno.

my first steps as of right now is to drink way more water and much less diet coke. im currently consuming around a 2 liter of diet coke a day, my current objective is to get down to a can per meal and thats it.

prolly should start buying cans for portion control.

im sorry im so jumbled, gotta get back in the swing of things so to speak.

thank you to liz for still being here, i missed you too :)

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