My photo
i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Friday, April 27, 2012

sincerely starting something

alliteration anyone?

so, were going away for my birthday again and ive decided to get serious.

i was feeling wishy washy before.
i dont anymore.
i feel strong.

im not saying im going to stop eating all together.. im just going to stop being a cow.

i weighed in at an insane [but less than my top weight] 314.4 this morning. my goal is to break 300 by the trip.

ive cut out snacking so far today.. i told myself i used to starve most of the day, i can wait til the next meal. it's working so far.

ive got a salad packed for lunch and i had eggs and hashbrowns for breakfast. thinking of having breakfast again for dinner.. assuming i dont go out with my friend tonight...but still.. things are looking well.

im feeling strong and dedicated.

not being a cow should make 14.5 lbs, at my weight, [pardon the phrase] a cake walk.

wish me luck.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

something sort of resembling hope

i keep shying away from starting.

i want to.. then nothing happens.

ive been feeling nostalgic lately for the way i used to be.. which was never skinny but at least normal... i dont feel normal anymore. i dont feel like i can do a lot of things i want to.

i love max, and things are going well with him. he's gained some weight since moving in with me and he hates it too. we flew kites with my parents over the weekend which was fun and hes taken me to mini golf a few times.. trying to get active instead of hiding inside.. [i hate the sun if i havent mentioned in the past.. im an overcast kinda girl. i like it foggy!]

im trying to eat better but i just feel this overwhelming pressure that nothing is ever different, nothing will ever change.

ever.

my current obsession is nail polish.

shopping to fill the void is better than eating to fill it.

the weird thing is i'm primarily happy but i still feel compelled to do so.. i havent been this happy in awhile.. since i dont know how long..

still..

bah.

i don't know whats up with me.

ive been watching this youtube-vlogger/blogger plasmaspeedo[s] who is into nails and was working out a bunch to get ready for boot camp. [she's gone now] i found her through her nail channel and thought she was super adorable so i checked out her vlog/blog.

she has kind of inspired me to try again.

a tip of hers is to eat a big breakfast so your're not hungry til lunch, and no food after 7.

im trying a variation on it as i generally go to bed at 9 so i think my timeline needs to be earlier. ive figured it as 5 instead of 7 but thats problematic for me as i generally pick up max from the train station around 5 and get off work between 4-4:30 so id have to eat quickly to get a dinner in and rapidly consuming food would be zero help. i think im going to just say eat dinner when i get home and no after dinner snacking.

based on my weight [i'm a little foggy on the exact number, ive been avoiding the scale] i can eat the normal 2000 cals and still be consuming less than my body needs to maintain my weight.. so my goal is to shoot for normal for awhile. then go from there.

i worry if i do too much too soon i'll just crap out again and again, like so many times before...

here it is:

[restaurant meals will not be monitored but must be reasonable]
2000 or better a day
big breakfast
healthy snacks at the ready to avoid binges
no after dinner snacks
3 cans of diet coke a day or less
water water water

more to be added if this sticks.

i'm hopeful.. and doubtful at the same time.

wish me luck.