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i'm a 25 year old california girl who, like most of us, is perpetually in transition.

Friday, April 27, 2012

sincerely starting something

alliteration anyone?

so, were going away for my birthday again and ive decided to get serious.

i was feeling wishy washy before.
i dont anymore.
i feel strong.

im not saying im going to stop eating all together.. im just going to stop being a cow.

i weighed in at an insane [but less than my top weight] 314.4 this morning. my goal is to break 300 by the trip.

ive cut out snacking so far today.. i told myself i used to starve most of the day, i can wait til the next meal. it's working so far.

ive got a salad packed for lunch and i had eggs and hashbrowns for breakfast. thinking of having breakfast again for dinner.. assuming i dont go out with my friend tonight...but still.. things are looking well.

im feeling strong and dedicated.

not being a cow should make 14.5 lbs, at my weight, [pardon the phrase] a cake walk.

wish me luck.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

something sort of resembling hope

i keep shying away from starting.

i want to.. then nothing happens.

ive been feeling nostalgic lately for the way i used to be.. which was never skinny but at least normal... i dont feel normal anymore. i dont feel like i can do a lot of things i want to.

i love max, and things are going well with him. he's gained some weight since moving in with me and he hates it too. we flew kites with my parents over the weekend which was fun and hes taken me to mini golf a few times.. trying to get active instead of hiding inside.. [i hate the sun if i havent mentioned in the past.. im an overcast kinda girl. i like it foggy!]

im trying to eat better but i just feel this overwhelming pressure that nothing is ever different, nothing will ever change.

ever.

my current obsession is nail polish.

shopping to fill the void is better than eating to fill it.

the weird thing is i'm primarily happy but i still feel compelled to do so.. i havent been this happy in awhile.. since i dont know how long..

still..

bah.

i don't know whats up with me.

ive been watching this youtube-vlogger/blogger plasmaspeedo[s] who is into nails and was working out a bunch to get ready for boot camp. [she's gone now] i found her through her nail channel and thought she was super adorable so i checked out her vlog/blog.

she has kind of inspired me to try again.

a tip of hers is to eat a big breakfast so your're not hungry til lunch, and no food after 7.

im trying a variation on it as i generally go to bed at 9 so i think my timeline needs to be earlier. ive figured it as 5 instead of 7 but thats problematic for me as i generally pick up max from the train station around 5 and get off work between 4-4:30 so id have to eat quickly to get a dinner in and rapidly consuming food would be zero help. i think im going to just say eat dinner when i get home and no after dinner snacking.

based on my weight [i'm a little foggy on the exact number, ive been avoiding the scale] i can eat the normal 2000 cals and still be consuming less than my body needs to maintain my weight.. so my goal is to shoot for normal for awhile. then go from there.

i worry if i do too much too soon i'll just crap out again and again, like so many times before...

here it is:

[restaurant meals will not be monitored but must be reasonable]
2000 or better a day
big breakfast
healthy snacks at the ready to avoid binges
no after dinner snacks
3 cans of diet coke a day or less
water water water

more to be added if this sticks.

i'm hopeful.. and doubtful at the same time.

wish me luck.

Monday, February 27, 2012

walking in circles

i didnt weigh myself this morning, partly because i didnt want to, and partly because i forgot to do it before i ate.

i suspect i went up.

i had a lovely weekend where i didnt think about food..

which generally means i go up because im not focusing on what should be going in my mouth.

though to be fair, it also means no binging because im not filled with the panic that sometimes comes along with restriction.

im not really sure what to do with myself at this point.

im tired of being this way. very especially over 280, as it seems that that is the turning point of where my movement starts to be hindered.

i almost exclusively wear a slip or nothing in bed, this morning after dropping max off, i was sitting there watching sailor moon [you heard it, i like sailor moon, and am not ashamed lol] and i couldnt get over how fat i was. i was in disbelief, almost. i mean, i always knew i was ginormous.. but not to this extent.. it just sometimes sneaks up on you i suppose.

i cant decide if its good or bad that i havent been self conscious enough to notice it sooner.

yesterday was beautiful.. today seems so.. void is the best word i can think of... not sure..

i feel lost and confused. not sure where to start.

Friday, February 24, 2012

a shaky start

as expected i went up a little [305.8 to 306.4] 0.6lbs to be exact.

this doesnt bother me like it used to.

i am already undercutting my diet plan.... which doesnt surprise me ither.. lol

i had about 400 at home and now im sipping diet green tea instead of light chocolate soy... though to be fair its partially because my stomach is upset.

i think i have what max stayed home sick with yesterday, but in a milder version.

feeling fine.. just fragile, you know?
not hungry, which is nice..

little miss shop-o-holic, has found a new thing to obsess over. thinking of building a mac brush collection. the best of the best.. even though i am rather fond of my sexy sexy contoured sonia kashuks.. i think i might want some professional ones too. dunno, havent decided yet.

i anxiously wait for the orders to arrive.. and plot new ones to make.

its a vicious circle...

maybe i can sublimate my desire for food with material objects. lol... ive done it before..

~edit~ even before i finish laying out this post my stomach is getting hungry.. grr.. at least i brought the soy milk..

thanks lilah lee, it's nice to see people are still here :)

Thursday, February 23, 2012

starting at 305.8

i weighed in this morning at 305.8..

but it seems like an unfair weigh in since i had more time to digest my dinner than i ordinarily would.

i generally wake up at the crack o dawn to drive max to the train that takes him to work. so i would ordinarily weigh in around 5ish when i get home. instead, this morning i weighed in around 7... so tomorrow may be more.. still, it's less than imagined... esp since i had baked fish sticks for dinner.

i find my biggest problem when it comes to eating lately has been because of this switch in my wake up schedule. when i wake up that early my body says:

FEED ME!!
I NEED ENERGY TO BE UP THIS EARLY!
oh and by the way,
no,
you cant go back to sleep now,
because i said so....

anyhow, i end up eating, but then my body gets hungry before lunch so i ither binge at lunch, or snack on what i can covertly shove in my mouth in the office.

i havent figured out how to combat this yet, though i have an idea.

4 meals:
breakfast when i wake up 400
breakfast at work 400
lunch 600
dinner 600

this will obviously change over time.

im thinking some light chocolate soy milk would be well suited with my second breakfast. a full liter of the stuff is under 400, and itd be easy to drink at work because im not actually eating anything.

currently, im drinking my first allotted diet coke and munching on a few grapes. sleeping in helps so much with keeping away from binging! lol. wish my body would let me sleep when i got home at 5.

bah...

and with that, i say: here goes!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

playing a bit of catch up

so, at the last minute my trip was cancelled... which is both good and bad. i miss her but in my current frame of mind, perhaps it is best to not go on a trip where half of the things on our to do list are food related.

i will take my "starting weight" tomorrow morning. ive hopped on the scale 3 or so times in the last week and a half and it keeps popping up as exactly 307.5.. which is impossible. it would fluctuate some.

i know back in my ana days id hop on the scale first with weights then alone to get an accurate reading and i think im going to have to start doing that again. it's impossible that it has been the same, water weight alone makes you change... that or maybe i need a new scale... which may be true but i dont want to deal with that just yet.

~tangent time~

i recently got my first credit card [i had previously only had a debit card and the family credit card] and max [whom ive been living with since mid november btw, not sure if you guys knew it but it's going quite well, to my most sincerest surprise] asked me if i had been over doing it and getting into debt as i shop online all the time and constantly have packages and... to be honest.. no.

ive been having this behavior for years now lol..

i live within my means but i shop A LOT online and frequently have packages. as i looked back i realized ive been cultivating a shopping addiction since my freshman year in college. prior to that i just went to malls for things i needed or to hang out... then freshman year rolled around and out of quasi loneliness and a desire to get mail i started to buy things online..

it has grown from there.

i went on an online shopping spree over the weekend and am now waiting on 10 packages to arrive. [2 from previous sprees that havent arrived yet, 5 from this weekend, and 3 from today]

i have 2-3 more orders to make and then i think im set for awhile.. but i wonder, is that really it?

sort of like food, addiction is addiction.

is it ever done?

my latest obsession has been makeup and beauty products. kind of redundant considering, i suppose; but i enjoy putting forth the effort, and time spent "beautifying" is time not spent doing destructive things.

so, to be fair, part of the reason for all of those shipments is i try samples then get full sizes. now ive got all this super healthy natural non harmful or toxic beauty products.

side note: seriously, you know the stuff thats in your makeup, shampoo or even toothpaste? ew, check it out. [i realize i put equally bad things in my mouth, but im working on that too]

side note #2: ever heard of etsy? it's prolly my favorite shoping site. it's a little like going to a "mom and pop" shop.. only online. lol.. it's where i get all my beauty products now and a bunch of my jewelry.

~end of tangent although this is all seeming a bit fragmented and not making much sense because ive been away too long.. sorry~

as far as me and food goes, i dunno.

i was vegetarian for awhile, but i broke about 2 weeks ago and have been munching on meat from time to time since then. it's gross, im trying to cut it back out.

i remember fondly the way i used to feel with ana.. i liked it even if it made me a bit insane at times.

that light dizzy feeling.. almost like being drunk without drinking.

part of me worries that i have such rosy feelings towards ana.. but the other part of me thinks well.. it worked last time. why not?

i dunno.

my first steps as of right now is to drink way more water and much less diet coke. im currently consuming around a 2 liter of diet coke a day, my current objective is to get down to a can per meal and thats it.

prolly should start buying cans for portion control.

im sorry im so jumbled, gotta get back in the swing of things so to speak.

thank you to liz for still being here, i missed you too :)

Friday, February 17, 2012

i feel fat

i should. i am fat.

life seems messy.

i guess i stayed away so long because life became placid, i became complacent.

complacency has lead me to weight gain. a lot of weight gain.

i wanted to start over but that seems stupid. i dunno. i miss blogging i miss the community...

im going to visit my best friend this weekend and we have a tendency to binge when we get together. the last time she visited me i told her i had been having disordered eating habits.. so maybe that will affect things..

when i come back i will have to figure things out.

i dont know. i dont think ana is coming back into my life. but for those of us who know my past, i have a tendency to get carried away.

i know that in my absence, my friends have left me...

i venture out alone in this one... maybe i'll get new ones.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

hello my name is...

-edit- i wussed out and deleted my name and random tangent about my name.

so..

ive been away as im sure youve noticed.. if you even remember me anymore.

life has changed.
i have changed.

looking in a new direction.

im thinking of making a new blog because i dont like my life to be based around the desire "to be thin" anymore. the ideal of being locked into this all consuming obsession about my disordered eating habits, body size, shape and weight. [pardon the pun]

i havent decided about that.
i have decided that i am going to blog again AND i'm going to be more "me" and less "robin"

no, i'm not going to advertise my blog to friends and family.. as, well.. it's a diary of sorts... it's private.. sort of.. and id rather not..

i'm back. for now at least.
you can thank the bloggess for that, making me miss blogging and all.

if you're still out there, drop me a line. itd be nice to know.

ps. kat dennings[above] is probably the hottest woman on the planet.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

vacation and ive gone nowhere.

blah. dieting is sucky.. boys are sucky.. everything is sucky.

random thoughts spill forth from my mouth to my keys.. enjoy.

vegas [my vacation] only made me put on weight, i weighed in this morning at 268.7 not really sure what to do with it. trying to get back on track... a diet i can follow.. something to keep to long term and not create problems. seems like whenever i eat bad things.. its never worth it even while im consuming it i think to myself.. this really wasnt as good as i hoped it would be.. i should do something else.. right?

guy#3 is on a no carb lots o meat and cheese diet and its working for him. considering dropping carbs [which is easy for me if i can have all the cheese i want] and seeing where it takes me.

ive been kind of grossed out by meat lately. thinking of dead animals makes me sad.. im such a bleeding heart.. why am i eating them?

ive decided i refuse to feel guilty for buying things like raspberries and smoothies just because they are expensive. id pay a couple grand to be skinny.. why not spend it on more expensive healthy food?

i made my own grenadine the other day. its amazing... and actually not that bad for you.

i dunno.

food always sucks.

ive had 4 mini meals today thus far all heavy in protien. i feel like a pig.

also taking vitamins now and wearing sunscreen.. trying to keep up with it. on day 3 or 4 of it.. we'll see.

oh, and.. my b-day happened while i was in vegas.. 25 now.

supposed to have been at max's house for 19 hours now.. he passed out last night so i stayed here. i have yet to hear from him and im getting pissed off. pretty much have decided to ignore him when and if he calls. someone had better be bleeding or im not talking to him.

texted like 6 different friends to go out with me, none are responsive and free. thinking of going out alone and leaving my phone behind. im such a wuss about not answering my phone.

-edit- of course i answered. fighting. yay.
-edit edit- maybe im seeing him. dunno. blarg.

things with max are in a sucky place to begin with.. now this too? i think hes given up trying to get clean... just when i started thinking about a future with him.

i dont think he gets it. i bought a real sized tube of toothpaste to leave at his place.. a pillow to leave there.. i had stopped thinking of him as this guy i was just seeing til it fell apart.. i was beginning to see him next to me. for real. was even getting close to saying i love you.. now i just feel ridiculous.

clearly his use is more important than me.. more than i ever will be. hes a user first and my bf second. he says its not like that.. but i just dont buy it. if it was an "im weak, i cant do it on my own" id get it.. hell i have such a relationship with food... but i never think to myself.. yeah lets be disgusting and binge.. its out of a place of weakness.. not choice.

thats the difference to me.

i dunno what to do.

not happy, yet again...

though, am i ever?

Saturday, April 30, 2011

disconnected

im quickly running out of time and i have so much to accomplish.

ive started baking which is holding me back in weight loss because max's roommate and the other roommate's gf had birthdays this last week. funny how that gf is now banging the roommate im crushing on in addition to the father of her child and others i know of.. so shes now had 3 of the 4 men living in that house including max.. and i dont know if shes had the 4th.. its possible... [of course not including her kid..ew]

i dunno what to do with me. i need to work out a plan. i need a lot of things. crap is not one of them..

[WARNING: sex talk may get a lil graphic]

things with max are improving.. sort of. the thing with his roommates got out of hand so hes decided to quit.. to spite them. he's slipped once since then when someone left him a taste at work without knowing he was trying to clean up, but other than that hes been clean. he was worried he wouldnt be able to make me cum while he was clean because it keeps him from cumming as fast, but he did so on his first try, so not to worry... too much.

we've been fighting more. things are fine in text.. sweet even, but in person its different. dunno why. i feel so disconnected from him. cold. after a teeny fight earlier week he asked me where i was because i wasnt there with him. i just turn off. the light in my eyes was gone. a defense mechanism i formed while with the ex so i could still let him hold me to prevent arguments while i was still upset with him.

sex has been different. i used to tell max i loved cumming with him because it made me feel connected.. complete.. the last time we fucked i just kept looking up at him and his closed eyes and felt a million miles away.

he doesnt really seduce me anymore. we barely even kiss before we fuck... and yes i use the word fuck because its appropriate for what we do. i hate the term 'make love' but id prefer it to whats been happening. suddenly 'she who doesnt want a relationship' doesnt want to just fuck anymore.. i want to connect.

he fondles me a little usually in a spooning position so theres no kissing, then gets me off manually for a bit before he fucks me. the process is over in 5-10 min.

is it wrong that i want more? i feel like my window of opportunity has past. that ive let this go on so long that he doesnt think hes supposed to do anything else. and for the most part my sexual needs are being met.. but not my emotional ones.

my period is around the corner so i realize i need to take how i feel with a grain of salt.. but ive been thinking this for a few weeks now and it doesnt seem unreasonable.

i dunno.

most of me doesnt feel like i deserve what i get already. maybe i just need to shut up and be appreciative for what i do get.

i was over at his house last night and we just got sarcastic and snarky. dont know why it started, he probably said something that made me defensive that in turn also made me sarcastic and passive. [odd combo i know] his withdrawl makes him super sleepy so he fell asleep after a few hours and i went home to sleep because i hate being around sleeping people at night. makes me feel fidgety like im trapped. another something that started while living with the ex... that has remained in his absence.

ive been thinking about the ex a lot lately. i cant even remember what he looks like aside from the pictures ive seen of him. no real life images of his face have been saved in my head.. i can remember all sorts of things happening but hes faceless in them.. i dont 'see' him any more. makes me feel weird.

havent heard from max today.

wonder if more fighting will occur today. hope not. i like him better when hes sweet.

liz: thanks for looking out for me lovie. hes not abusive, dont worry.. i just am not happy.. like always.

love you.